be more social/less isolating

Ding ding ding.I’ve been hanging out with actual people for the least month,I love them to pieces they are real and humble people and we have fun to spare I am so happy

I’m still doing it..pushing people away.
I dont know why I allow myself this,why I think people are out to use me.This shouldnt happen anymore,I’m 21 I’m self sufficient to an extent.Im I waiting for a journey that will never come? a sign that may never show itself? what if this is it? what if my thoughts of being a certain way are deceiving me?
I want to let people in,I want friendships

this has become almost impossible.I’m working two full time jobs and see my friends “enjoying” life maybe this is a cover up for being so down about not knowing how to interact with people.I hate to sound cliche,but I feel ugly old and fat even though I’m only 21 but I feel like I’m 45.

I feel like at this point I’m becoming wary of people,just as a way of trying to protect myself and my loved ones from hurt.I am tired of dissapointments,I miss having friends,I dont have friends but I think of those I have and those I have in common with my boyfriend and I see that most of them are in it because they need something,this raises a thought is all the things we share with friends because in the end they might want something?I think love should be like friendship,yes you can help each other out but when it’s all the time it gets a bit boring and down right ridiculous to have to do every single favor for someone all the time,friendships are not built on favors.I trust few people now I dont need this kind of thing.Maybe I’m closing myself but at least i’m not getting hurt,maybe I’m overly self sufficient

This is still hard,i’m becoming used to being alone.It doesnt bother me anymore,I try to keep busy busy busy.Listen to music and be online,writing.I’m isolating myself again.I tried talking to people at a concert and felt ridiculous and out of place.

I guess it’s easier to just not confront your fears,I’m thinking of what to say but I dont say it,I take people’s stares so seriously,read too much into things,try to be perfect,try to fit the mold.I just need to be myself I like myself and I think other people would too.