not be depressed

Some days are easier than others.I want to blame “him” for my unhappiness but I’m still with him.There’s a roadblock that wont allow me to continue.I know what I want out of life and I’m not going after it.I feel mentally stuck,I feel physically ill.I’m exhausted like I’m on a treadmill that’s never going to stop.
I just want to be normal and smile like everyone else
I just want to be happy.

Today is so bad,so many disappointments,I’m cursed.Why I’m I still here?Why is everything so wrong?I just want to be stable already

I’m physically feeling the strain of trying to not be depressed,my stomach is in knots,my head hurts and I’m trying to supress the thought of crying and even anything remotely destructive.I HAVE to be positive,I amd deserving of good things.I am a good person.I am going to be successful,that even though he treats me like a fucking business sometimes that I’m going to finally leave him one day and find the love of my life and tread lightly on his heart,I will do all the things I want.just be positive,trust in God,pray and read and talk to people and write because you can write well.

breathe

Life is crumbling,thoughts of death and loss.I can’t stop myself,I feel depressed.My head is throbing,I’ve been in the house for a week solid..why do I hide myself like this?why I’m I afraid of what’s out there..why are things not working..maybe I just want to accept that I’ll never do anything with my life,maybe i’m afraid of my own power to accomplish things,I’ve survived,I’m still here.
Why cry? why think? why insomnia?..I want to feel like I can do anything again.