Take control of my life by improving my relationships with the people I care about

after not speaking to him since Christmas. We had a fairly good chat considering. I told him about my teaching experience, which is a step in deepening our relationship I think as it’s usually superficial happy things that we talk about. He sent me a lovely message half an hour afterwards with good advice in it. I told him about my upcoming graduation and said I’d email him the link so he can watch it.

a tangle of emotions
a furious mess
awkward, frustrated, detached
love

when seeing your dad for the first time in five years? Jeans and a nice top apparently. Awkwardness was there, which was to be expected, it was almost like re-learning each other all over again. I am so, so glad that I have my sister to go through this with. It would have been much harder without her ♥. Dad’s here for a week with his wife and son (11).

on the phone last night. We didn’t argue! She actually gave me some good advice, which went something along the lines of: “If you’re not being you, then who is?”

FB walls who live far away. I was surprised at how few of them I felt the need to do so, either because it’s the kind of friendship that doesn’t really need the “upkeep” and can just pick up where we left off or that I just didn’t really care how they were doing to be honest. I think I’m getting to the stage where I’m beginning to realise that I choose to have people in my life, they aren’t just there. I either make the effort or I don’t. That being said though, I do need to make the effort more often.

might be coming up to stay for a few nights this Thursday. Going to try to not get annoyed and do my best to just enjoy spending time with her.

tonight I had a lovely chat via Facebook with a friend I met in high school. She left in year 10, so we haven’t had a lot to do with each other for a few years. It was so nice to just catch up on each other’s lives, must try to see her in “real life” soon :)

Well this very much contradicts one of my other goals (be the kind, loving person I am, in every situation I encounter). I think there are just some relationships that can’t be improved or resolved as the case may be. This relationship (ex-best friend) that I’m talking about has just been poisonous and the fallout has just absorbed me, so much so that I’ve become obsessed. But no more. I’ve had enough of my partner, my friends and myself being treated like absolute shit. They deserve better. In fact, so do I!

With Mum…I seek her approval, yet I don’t look up to her, she is certainly not my role model. In fact, I aspire not to be her. I seem to go round and round in circles of this relationship, never stopping at a place where things are good between us. It goes up when she approves of something I do, then down when she disapproves of the decisions I make. I just wish she could trust my judgement more and simply be happy for me for once.

Go home this weekend, have a niggling feeling at the back of my mind that if I spend more time with Mum, things may get a bit better between us. Preferrably short periods of time I think.