stop being suicidal

I used to be really suicidal. Sometimes, especaially if I’m thinking to much about my mom or Jacob I get really depressed and think alot about killing myself… I just get really afraid though. I don’t want to get on medication.. I’ll end up oversoding to get high. I really don’t want to go to therapy. I don’t need a doctor to tell me I;m depressed or fucking insanee. I can see that by all of the scars on my arms and chest…