Get over it

I am still occasionally stuck in a vacuum. Re-playing the same old screen-shots. The same old reels and resentments. Dear me. I tell myself I am working through things, but perhaps the better response would be to notice them – then let them go. I mean really can I still be hanging onto frustrations from temps ancien?
I deserve better than this. I deserve to move on – and moveover to focus on all my wonderful memories and those who loved and valued me, instead of those who I felt slighted by.

Ahhh… release and relief! I felt to persecuted and wronged when I returned, a new and improved me, and the people in my life who I ‘expected’ the most of, weren’t even kind. I suppose my relations with all of them were toxic (my new favourite expression). And on relfection, they are themselves not v impressive samples of human dna. Small and nasty. Socially insecure. Well basicially insecure. And my r’ship w them was built on the smallest and nastiest parts of me! Pompous and aspirational.
So role call: SOB, BFattyW, EL and let’s face it, my heart sinks around the drama queen of them all, the draining MM (honestly what is she about???!).
It amazes me how you realise all that is/has been bad for you as you get older, and let it go with relief.

So funny – and such a ‘treat’ to observe… So major moment of insecurity on the job front. No idea what comes next. But darn it let it be good! ANd whoosh – all of my insecurities, my social, I am so friendless and lonely insecurities come back. It is virtually a pleasure to see the pscyhology of it. Skulking and sulking.
And most interesting: re-hashing. Hating, resenting, decrying SO’B (how true), EL and BW, re-fantasising abt MJ and of course VL – ah the virtual conversations we are having. All in some other virtual universe where I have a job. a life, interests… a sense of self, security…! When really I should have been ‘over it’ long ago!
Hmmm. Definitely food for thought.

I remember as a little girl, before all the negative messages – thinking, believing, knowing that I was perfectly normal and acceptable etc. That I was upbeat, cheerful and believed that the world felt pretty good about me and was on my side. WHo wouldn’t be? That little girl is not so far away. She is me in fact. Hello there – com eout and pitch in. It’s our life after all.

Yeah I get caught in the same cycle – and not going anywhere with it. Here’s to moving on. I will not fall into my same depression traps as ever when I go home. I create a new pattern that allows me to enjoy my life there.