make peace with my current job

...what PEACE! he he he!!
I get one day a week until my last day, because I gave notice.
Yeah!

One item that I need help with is:
- Figuring out how to create closure with a colleague of mine who I originally enjoyed (there was a mutual appreciation) and who had become extreme standoffish, aloof and it seemed competitive.

I think I still feel a little mad and confused about this one.

My options:
- Pretend I don’t care and start to be aloof only with him. See if this provokes him to realize that he might loose a colleague, a future “connection” or friend.
(FOR THE RECORD: I hate mind games, but I realize that some people are soo much more savvy than I am.) This might work, since I have been oh so forgiving to him and his aloofness, when I really am a team player, support and would be willing to bend my back for him if I considered him a friend.
- Do nothing. But it seems like I have such a short time. I want to make a decision about where I stand with him. I want to have a bit more closure, even if it is arbitrary and circumstantial. With option A, I still have no idea of knowing what he’ll perceive.. the thing that eats me up is that I am AM a loyal friend. and I DON’T want to be loyal if I see that someone is selfish. ...hmmmm….

I received my offer for a new position. I have two weeks left to really make peace.

This week I acheived the following:
1. Spoke and joked with and genuinely enjoyed a colleague that I had lost all respect for. I could do this sincerely recognizing that we are all “human” and at different places, we all have areas in which we need to grow.
2. Set up a meeting with my boss throughout my 2 years at the organization. I would like to share some of my long-term professional and ministerial goals.
3. Determined that I cannot expect my recently-appointed boss to be a safe person. (Note to self, re-read the book Safe People). I will need to move on. I think that I would like to ask her or her husband about the culture of the new job that I have – her husband just resigned from this NGO after working there for the past 12 years.

...if I have a new job offer.
This may depend on how things go as I leave, how things go with one coworker in particular, but in the end if things don’t go well with him – I will need to process through my disappointment and move on.

I am recognizing and seeing very clearly the reasons that I am now moving on. That helps! in making peace.

My colleague that I mentioned in early entries was also in a car crash yesterday THANKFULLY he is fine, but I could sincerely talk to him about the experience and hopefully express that I do genuinely appreciate the professional friendship.

...I think that leaving will help me make peace.

I don’t want to leave the evaluation and reflection on the experience until after I’ve left thought…. I feel anxious – I want to move on – but I know that there are things for me to learn – if not professional, then personal.

...when I work on a non-profit salary.
Granted we have a 9 hour work day that is inflexible.
And I have a 3 hour commute in bus – but I don’t make enough to drive everyday. augh! I need to complain and get my frustration out.

What happens when someone you thought of as the closest work friend suddenly begins to pull political moves to move ahead?

When you can’t have a work-related conversation without them questioning you and suggesting that the three of you have a conversation with your superior?

...well, I for one, just feel like I want to cry. I am not an awful person. I am smart, intelligent… why is this so difficult?

...is it my suspicion that this person has now determined to betray my trust? Is it my impatience? is it his anger?
Is it that I still would hope to restore the friendship?

I am letting go.
Asking God for help in taking my thoughts captive.

I have an exciting project that I wrote and achieved financing. Now I would call it problematic.

I have to cut across departments, I need some help developing the implementation plan and we are behind. (I am also still learning and don’t have the ability to move stones, when I haven’t been given the authority.) We keep meeting obstacle and obstacle and I find some colleagues less than willing to be more supportive.

Part of the fun of leaving here would be that I wouldn’t have to stomach the consequences of poor coordination of these departments. Although staying and experiencing what it means to help pick up the pieces, might be the courageous way to deal with this.

There’s my honesty.

Say a silent prayer for me.