live a healthier lifestyle

Down a dress size :)

So far so good. I think I am going to change the title of the is goal.

I’ve changed doctors and realized it’s not them or the band but me.

I like food and cooking. Hell, I wanted to be a chef. I enjoy making home cooked meals with my hands and going out and experiencing the food creations of others. I just don’t like the fact that I don’t have self control over my eating habits. I don’t like the fact that I eat when things are stressful or to cover up an emotion when I can’t find the words to express myself.

To be completely honest the band has helped me a great deal. I have lost 50 lbs total and have kept it off for the last three years. In my world, that’s good but in the real world that isn’t much. My doctor tried to convince me to change to remove the band and have gastric bypass. It got to a point that it was all we talked about.

After my last visit didn’t go well I changed doctor thinking things would be different, but it isn’t. You can eat around the band. Yes, I said it. I know because I have done it.

So what now?

I went to my primary care doctor and we had a long honest talk. He was more honest with me than any doctor has been in my life. He said he thinks this is something that I can be done but requires help from different angles and to address different issues.

That was a month ago and I am down 5 lbs with his help. It’s a start and I feel better. We have decided to keep the lap band in place for the moment and see where the road takes us.

I did good this past week. I ate about 3 meals a day and did a lot of walking around. I got my water in, I ate my proteins and passed up on a few things that tempted me.

I went back and visited the websites that helped motivated me along my lap band journey. I recieved email from someone starting their journey.

My friend called to check in with me. One week down. Next week is going to be a stress filled week. Some unpleasant things are going to take place at work. I know stress is my triggers so I am going to ask for some help from those around me to help and keep me away from comfort food.

My proud moment of this week was that when I was hungry I went and ate peanuts.

I don’t want to go back to my doctor. I am afraid of what he’s going to say. I haven’t gained anything but I am floating between losing my weight and maintaing weight.

No big drops.

My friend is trying to help me by getting me to think a different way. She’s told me I haven’t gained weight back ( a plus) and that I need to just start over mentally. She said I should check in with him because I need to make sure nothing is wrong with my band.

She also said I should confront my doctor about the way he spoke to me and tell him how it didn’t help. She suggested basing my leave or stay option on this conversations.

She said she has faith in me and the band. She said I was putting too much pressure on myself and should just do what I set out to do, be healthy and be able to move and breathe. I didn’t care about the numbers.

She also told me that I have to face the truth and realize I too have gotten lazy and used my band as crutch. She reminded me how important my health is to me and how proud she is of the progress I have made to date.

I have fallen off the wagon hard but I can’t lay in the dirt and cry. (i’ve been weeping and kicking dust)

She’s reaching out a hand to help me out.

It’s been a while since I have written. Things have been moving along in my life but my weight loss is at a stand still. I haven’t gain or lost a pound.

I am thinking that I need to do something because I feel like I did this for nothing. I haven’t been back to Dr. Goyal’s office in a while. The last two visits made me want to have the band taken out. Dr. Goyal said some things that had I been in another mood I would of got my records and not come back.

I had an appointment for this week and couldn’t make it due to work. But I got to thinking and I realize that I am scared to go back. If I haven’t lost any weight I am going to hear about it. Bad enough I get it else where.

I can’t blame anyone but myself for failing with the band. It is my fault. I am eating around the band.

But my doctor’s attitude to my stress and my lack of additional weight loss is a hot topic. He said that if he knew I would get so stressed out he would of never done the surgery.

Now I am dreading going. My friend who goes to him already changed doctors. She left in anger and tears from his office.

We are both in agreement that the office and meetings are depressing. I feel like I am going in front of the judge instead of my doctor.

So I thought to myself, is it time that I find another doctor too? I plan on moving back to New York City within four months if possible.

I called NYU to talk to Dr. Fielding’s office. They told me what I would need to do to make the change. They also told me how they could help me with my problem. Since Dr. Fielding had the surgery himself, maybe he can help me help myself.

I am going to give it a little more thought.

For the last month I have been feeling crappy. It started with me having an ache in my tummy like I had a lead ball stuck in it. Then for about two weeks everything I ate or drank tasted like ashes or stale. During this time I woke up sore and feeling like I had to throw up.

Since my tonsil surgery I was doing fine until the cold weather hit. Now it’s like my throat is full of cotton and it causes my voice to sound funny. It’s not in in any pain but it feel like my throat is extra thick as if I had too many scarfs on.

It’s been a long time…

I have restriction! The .45ccs did the trick.

I had my annual appointment with Dr. Goyal’s office. The appointment went well. I am down 2lbs.

I feel good.