address my anxiety

I’ve gone to a counselor a few times on campus and I’ve also started seeing a psychiatrist. I’m using the cognitive behavioral advice of my psychologist in combination with medication prescribed by my psychiatrist. I can tell a HUGE difference. There are some negative side effects, but in comparison to how I’ve been feeling for the past few years, this is a welcome breather! :)

I went to a counselor here on campus a few weeks ago to talk about my anxiety issues. Basically, he determined that, based on what I said, I tend to behave in accordance with what I am going to term the “perfectionist syndrome.” This is completely believable looking at my younger and high school years. When people are perfectionists and have anxiety issues, eventually they tend to have chronic low levels of depression, starting around puberty. (Yes, that’s me.) Also, people with this so-called “syndrome” tend to complain of feeling like fakes. (Yes, that’s also me. I’m always asking myself “how did I get here?”) Also, sometimes such people tend to complain about a lack of motivation. (Counselor surmised that I am in the burn-out phase of perfectionism since it went unaddressed for so long. This is completely true and probably started around my senior year of college, if not earlier.) Also, such people often complain of being unable to focus (raises her hand). It is not a matter of not being intelligent; instead, this lack of focus comes from the fact that the constant levels of anxiety tend to interfere with cognitive processes. (Oh my god, finally someone explained this to me in a way that makes sense. This explains SO much about me.)

It’s 1:48am and I’m tired, so I know that this is very much a rambling blog post…

In sum, I am reading a self-help book that was recommended to me. I really want to “fix” me and I’m going to try and do whatever I can… I just wish that I had more free time!!! I want to meet with the counselor again soon, but I have no idea what we’ll talk about. I tend to be so distanced from things, so just talking about ideas and reading about them has little effect on me. How do I go about addressing things that feel biologically hardwired by merely telling myself to change my thinking patterns? sigh I will try anyways..