Since i was about 14 i’v had bouts of depression, some of them lasted years, some not as long. I had all the associated self harm issues that went with it… I haven’t hurt myself in a number of years, maybe 5 even 6 and I haven’t been depressed since before my son was born, much to everyone’s amazement i beat the odds of having Post Natal depression (although looking back, only barely and i certaily had a high anxiety level) but just recently i can feel it coming back, actually that’s not quite true, i don’t know if its coming back or i’m just super sad. It starts out like that for me, i’m sad a lot, want to cry at times and eventually loose all light, i stop looking forward to things and stop doing things i used to love because there is no joy in them any more.
I’m still looking forward to stuff, like taking 10 days off work. I hate my job. I had a work place injury about 6 months ago and after some time it was decided i was likely to never return to my pre injury job. So i got an admin based job within my place of work which basically entailed my manager sitting down with the team and taking suggestions on what jobs i could do, all this really resulted in was me having a job full of tasks that noone else wants to do. On top of this i was givien my own office in a production facility away from everyone, some days it truly feels like a punishment for being injured.
The last 2 weeks i’ve had so much work to do, amending documents, creating documents, sample testing, hazard analysis, everything came at once for various audits and such and so, not suprisingly some things started to come un done (as well as me) my manager took me aside yesterday and talked to me about it, said she had hoped after the few months i had been in this position that she could give me project work to add interested to my job but she feels i can’t cope with my current work load (which by the way is the average 40hr a week plus the relieving job for someone else which is 12 hrs, not sure how i’m supposed to find 52 hrs in a 40 work week but never mind) so she feels it would be unfair to burden me. 1. i’m doing more than 1 job and 2. did that project work ever exist?
The result was i felt like a failure, hateful of myself and with a real burning desire to hurt myself, i guess as a punishment for being such a bad human being, for being so stupid and so awful at my job, which i hate. I hate admin, i didn’t study science at university level to be a bloody administrator.
The only light i have now is my son. I’m pretty sure without him i’d tell them to stick their shit job and quit, but that won’t pay for daycare, clothes, food or the mortgage.
On top of the drama about my ‘work load’ apparently another manager had complained about how i had spoken with them at one point- i know who they were because they’re the ones who accused me of lying when i said i couldn’t do something because it hadn’t been approved, said i was wrong and they had spoken with the person responsible for approving the request- they had, but because of the level it had escalated to a manager above him. Or maybe it was the time when they told me i had to do soemthing for them even though i politely explained i was in the middle of a 3 hr job nowhere near my desk and was informed ‘fine, if they call looking for payment i’ll put them straight through to you, you can explain that’ its funny how i can be talked to like that but because i don’t make a complaint its ok for it to happen.
I’m not a bad person, i care about so much, i love so many people, i am a good one. honest and caring, is that what leaves me open to be treated like this?
I’m so pleased that i’m not here tomorrow, or until the 10th of October actually….maybe if i’m not here and i’m happy i know its not the black dog but just my soul sucking job making me miserable… i really want that because then i’ll know it won’t last…