Fight the inevitable return of the Great Black Dog.

I can’t say I’m never going to have another depressive episode, I probably will at some point, but this goal was added 16 months ago and so far I have faught it off with all kinds of clever tactics. Most recently being taking firm control of my life.

I am marking it done because I am no longer staring down into that pitch black vortex, I can’t even see it from here.

With the exception of my stupud job which I hate and bring me down, I am feeling so freaking positive at the moment, I am putting most of it down to getting outside and running, it has always made me feel better to be active, but this is beyond that, I guess because I feel better I am walking happier, taller etc.
I’m a little concearned that Sunday will bring me down though, last show if Saturday night and I think the anticlimax to follow will be a very rude shock….but I’ll keep running.

If I am very honest I can say I run to hurt myself. I used to cut, when I am so pent up with rage I still get that urge, so now I run until it is exhausted out of me instead of getting miserable at home. If I word it like that I sound crazy, so I’ll just tell the normal people ‘It’s great stress relief’ and smile like a loon.

not suprisingly at all, the C25K program, a log with the getting outside and going for a walk thing and generally being more healthy is making me feel good. I think because I am taking a proactive approach to a part of my life I can actually control, unlike the job sitch, which requires far far more time. Long gone are the days of ‘fuck this shit, I hate my job, I quit’... now I must wait for the right job 1st… BUT the running is great and I am physiscally tired, so sleeping better, win win win.

I hate my job, i constntly feel like no1 cares what I do, which is great for some people but i like to get stuff done so if i’m just waiting around for things to happen which are out with my control, I just can’t do anything. This makes em feel useless which makes me hate my job further which makes me Job hunt which makes me sad because there are not a lot of jobs out there and thenI start to wonder about life choices and how i got to here and to do anything else i’d have to go back to uni, but I can’t afford it and so then I feel useless and lik ei’m no good at anything and the stuff i am good at won’t make enough money etc etc repeat, so you see I need to get out of this funk…

Since i was about 14 i’v had bouts of depression, some of them lasted years, some not as long. I had all the associated self harm issues that went with it… I haven’t hurt myself in a number of years, maybe 5 even 6 and I haven’t been depressed since before my son was born, much to everyone’s amazement i beat the odds of having Post Natal depression (although looking back, only barely and i certaily had a high anxiety level) but just recently i can feel it coming back, actually that’s not quite true, i don’t know if its coming back or i’m just super sad. It starts out like that for me, i’m sad a lot, want to cry at times and eventually loose all light, i stop looking forward to things and stop doing things i used to love because there is no joy in them any more.

I’m still looking forward to stuff, like taking 10 days off work. I hate my job. I had a work place injury about 6 months ago and after some time it was decided i was likely to never return to my pre injury job. So i got an admin based job within my place of work which basically entailed my manager sitting down with the team and taking suggestions on what jobs i could do, all this really resulted in was me having a job full of tasks that noone else wants to do. On top of this i was givien my own office in a production facility away from everyone, some days it truly feels like a punishment for being injured.
The last 2 weeks i’ve had so much work to do, amending documents, creating documents, sample testing, hazard analysis, everything came at once for various audits and such and so, not suprisingly some things started to come un done (as well as me) my manager took me aside yesterday and talked to me about it, said she had hoped after the few months i had been in this position that she could give me project work to add interested to my job but she feels i can’t cope with my current work load (which by the way is the average 40hr a week plus the relieving job for someone else which is 12 hrs, not sure how i’m supposed to find 52 hrs in a 40 work week but never mind) so she feels it would be unfair to burden me. 1. i’m doing more than 1 job and 2. did that project work ever exist?

The result was i felt like a failure, hateful of myself and with a real burning desire to hurt myself, i guess as a punishment for being such a bad human being, for being so stupid and so awful at my job, which i hate. I hate admin, i didn’t study science at university level to be a bloody administrator.

The only light i have now is my son. I’m pretty sure without him i’d tell them to stick their shit job and quit, but that won’t pay for daycare, clothes, food or the mortgage.

On top of the drama about my ‘work load’ apparently another manager had complained about how i had spoken with them at one point- i know who they were because they’re the ones who accused me of lying when i said i couldn’t do something because it hadn’t been approved, said i was wrong and they had spoken with the person responsible for approving the request- they had, but because of the level it had escalated to a manager above him. Or maybe it was the time when they told me i had to do soemthing for them even though i politely explained i was in the middle of a 3 hr job nowhere near my desk and was informed ‘fine, if they call looking for payment i’ll put them straight through to you, you can explain that’ its funny how i can be talked to like that but because i don’t make a complaint its ok for it to happen.
I’m not a bad person, i care about so much, i love so many people, i am a good one. honest and caring, is that what leaves me open to be treated like this?
I’m so pleased that i’m not here tomorrow, or until the 10th of October actually….maybe if i’m not here and i’m happy i know its not the black dog but just my soul sucking job making me miserable… i really want that because then i’ll know it won’t last…