forgive

over the weekend I realized that there are more “debts” that need to be canceled…some big…some trivial.

One big issue I have (and yes I mean have, and not had) is with someone who chose to not help me when I really, really, really needed help. I was physically injured and he was capable of helping me, but by his own admission he simply chose not to. I almost gag when I think of him as being a brother in Christ (I think he’s a piece of…garbage).

Not sure how to deal with this one.

I got blasted by someone the other day (for no good reason. someone has some myth about things are, but it’s all just a bunch of crap), and so as a step toward making peace with this person I attempted to be helpful (genuine help, not a thinly veiled attempt to give them a shot back, but honest genuine help) and of course was blasted for my efforts.

Otherwise, they will trample them with their feet and then turn around and attack you

Movin on…movin on…

my pastor talked about forgiveness this weekend. He suggested that we make a list of people to forgive and keep that list with us the entire week…has he been reading my thoughts?

I put this goal up, I’ve been running into people that I need to forgive. I mean I’ve been seeing people that I haven’t seen in years!

The other day I ran into a woman that I worked for briefly. She actively worked to give her boyfriend credit for the work that I was doing…and wasn’t exactly subtle about it. I quickly found work in another department, but I’ve never forgiven her. I thought it was in the past, but she came through my area a few days ago and I was (am) still upset.

Hate really is like a man burning down his own house to get rid of a rat…but this one is going to take some work.

I was outwardly kind to her, and helped her with her work…but I wasn’t diggin it, I mean I REALLY wasn’t diggin it.

At least I was able to restrain myself and be nice to her, but I need to get this garbage out of my head, and out of my heart.

Maybe being outwardly nice is all I’m capable of right now…but it’s not where I want to set up camp.

a cranky, acerbic, curmudgeon…mad a the world…and I had that awkward feeling. I went over to him, smiled and wished him well, but I wasn’t being very sincere. If he could see into my heart he’d know that I was mad at him for being an unreasonable ass. I’m working on letting it go. Sometimes I’m the one who is the unreasonable ass, and I need the gracious forgiveness of others.

I’ve been praying for him and myself. Praying that God would bless him, and bring the right people and circumstances…and praying for myself that I would just let go of this garbage…so that others who are holding my garbage can also let that go.

I need to make amends where possible. It’s awkward and I suck at it, but I need to try. I’ll start on my knees, but leaving it at prayer is just the coward’s way out.

as I pray about letting go of past hurts, I realize that one reason that there is still “steam” in these memories is my own guilt.

I’ve always thought of the emphasis on forgiving yourself as being so much feel good balogna…but I think this is part of the process that I have to go through. Perhaps I’m still mad and afraid because I’m ashamed of my own guilt and I’ve never really admitted it to myself and to God.

since I’ve been thinking about it, my list of people to forgive keeps getting longer. Today I remembered someone I haven’t seen for a couple of years, but dread seeing because…well you can fill in the blank.

I do pray for them all, and I pray for myself that I will relinquish my desire for getting even, or seeing them punished. It’s hard though. I don’t naturally want to forgive everyone, but I’m tired of dragging this garbage with me any longer. Besides, I’m also more aware of shitty things I’ve done to people in the past.

I made a list of people that had wronged or deeply disappointed me, and people who I believe/know that I’ve disappointed or wronged.

Wow…what a list. What surprised me was the emotions that were dormant over some of these things. This is going to take a fair amount of focused effort and time (especially with family), but I’m looking forward to “cleaning out my closet”.

I’m aware of just how much resentment, bitterness, grudge-holding and general crap I’ve been carrying around with me.

I’ve been kidding myself thinking that I’ve forgiven everyone in my life…what a lie that is.

I want to let go of all of that garbage, and let go of my desire to get even…and truly and totally forgive others.