lose weight

i’m actually trying to lose weight, or even gain it. i’m actually too caught up with other things to really feel fat, or feel not so fat… i feel fine. i mean, sure, i’m a big overweight, and maybe i should start workin out, but in all honesty, working out is motivated by the fact that i like nice muscle tone and resistance, so when i go back to the gym (it’s been 3 weeks), it’ll be because i want to feel good about the things i feel good about… and not because i’m fat.

last night was such a bad night. i had this ball of emotion in my chest and i didnt know what to do with it, the only place that i could go to, where no one would bother me, where i could be alone with my thoughts, was the gym. So i went. i did all cardio… burned like 550 calories and i feel good. i’m gonna focus on that fact that i feel good today.. that’s good enough for right now.

nope… been trying… and then i screw up… i go to the park to walk with my dog, i end up leaving 10 min later for whatever reason… i try to take a lean cuisine to work… i end up having cookies…. what is wrong with me? i want to do this, because i NEED to, and yet… i seem to not want it bad enough to actually succeed…. what has to click? what is wrong with me?

So, for some reason, i want to blame my weight issue for the majority of things that are wrong in my life. Not that i’m complaning, by any means, because things could definitely be worse. i’ve been “overweight” since i was 11 or so, then when i hit puberty, i got thin, because of course, i got taller, etc… then i went to college and proceeded to gain forty five pounds. yup.. 45 whole pounds, that i’m now trying to deal with. It’s not easy, but what is easy is giving up on trying to lose weight. It’s hard to stay focused on diet and excercise, and it’s so easy to not go to the gym, or to have food that you really shouldnt be having. Then there’s the guilt. THere is so much guilt… if i had done this, if i hadnt do that, if i hadnt eaten that, if i had only gone to the gym… all these thoughts, all the time, because of course, i cant live a day without any guilt.
this guilt makes me feel vulnerable, and it affects other aspects of my life, ie, relationships. So losing weight is one thing that i want to do, and i think, i’ll have to do, if i want to stay healthy emotionally, physicaly, and mentally.