have someone fall in love with me

I have a date tomorrow, well I think I can call it a date.

It’s not a priority at the moment to find some one to love me. Two years ago it was an obsession, I guess that is why it didn’t work out. It didn’t work with Braam, with Johann, with Roelf and it didn’t work with Tigger neither. I’ve thought about it and I know I’ve changed I know I am more cynical and alot more guarded. I feel safer saying I am happy single, when I am not really sure if I am feeling happy or if it is rather the safety of the Devil I know. I know being single, I know going to the movies on my own. I know travelling on my own, in fact I doubt I would of enjoyed my Europe trip in 2005 if I didn’t do the stretch of it I did alone. I am 31 almost 32 years old, everybody tells me I am pretty and is so surprised some gent hasn’t scooped me up, the thing is I have openly rejected alot of people who have pursued me, romance is mentally unchallenging I seemed be attracted to men who give me giant mind f#cks instead of flowers, I want the flowers though. I want flowers when I am alive not flowers at my fueneral. There are days I long for some one, some one who will come up behind me and put his arms around me and make me feel safe and cared for, and that longing seems out of reach, am I sabotaging it. Am I sabotaging by rejecting the 50 year old men who like, by rejecting men I don’t find attractive. Am I making myself stay single? I have no idea. What do I do?

Join the Dating Buzz again, most of me doesn’t want to, advice really needed.

Sven is, as is the case with most guys interested in me lately, old enough to be my dad. He is a widower, he owns a horse farm he has enough money to keep me comfortable for the rest of my days if I were to be involved with him. He really likes me. I have told him no so many times, he hasn’t given up yet. I need him to realise there is no attraction to him for me, the thing is my best friend reckons I should use him for his money, I really cannot do that. It’s nice that he is interested, but he doesn’t give me any fuzzy feelings. Stupid of me to be like that I know, but I need fuzzy feelings, call me a child if you will but romantic ideallism lurks in my heart…. that’s probably why it’s such an injurred heart but hey that is my choice, I accept the consequences…

I really think it’s easy to fall in love. The difficult thing is to get someone to fall in love with you. So this is my only romantic goal, to have a guy care about me, that I become an important part of his exsistence.