recover from anorexia

I’m pretty much done with this.
I guess theres a lot of underlying issues with anorexia, and I’m working on those too.

But I guess I just know I’m done with anorexia…
and I’m not going back.

At the moment, I’m seeing my dietitian every week. I am making progress in some ways. I am following a meal plan, and after some ups and downs, I am now consistantly eating what is on my meal plan.

I still count calories. A lot. I am still restricting, in many ways, because what is on my meal plan probably looks very different to what “normal” people eat. I can tell this because I still can’t sit down with my family and eat “their” food. I know that what I am eating now is very different to before I became anorexic. So in that sense, I’m nowhere near my old “normal” eating habits. But it’s ok. I’m eating really healthily.

I am seeing my doctor most weeks to get vaccinations for when I go to India for 3 months. India is really my main motivation to gain weight. You don’t really want to go somewhere like that looking skeletal and with no immune defences.

I have seen a psychologist, it wasn’t all that helpful. I have been told that often you need to shop around to find a therapist that is right for you. I don’t think my psych has much experience with eating disorders. We end up talking about food, and I don’t need that from her. My dietitian has that covered. Anorexia really isn’t about the food. I need someone to help me unearth the deeper issues, and cope with the distress of weight gain.

This week my dietitian and I decided that I need to stop the compulsive exercise. I need to get back up to 48kg before I go to India (I leave on July 9). That’s the agreed target and I haven’t really managed to make significant gains yet. It means I have to gain over 1kg a week, which is quite a lot. I have been using my walking as a ‘get out of jail free’ card. I feel ok about eating a little more if I can go and walk for 2 hours afterward. 2 hours isn’t even that much compared to what i used to do…but anyway, this week I’m not allowed to walk. Because I haven’t been gaining enough.

It’s hard. Walking has been my coping mechanism.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at.

Our growing involves the courage
to choose when it comes the time
new life-giving patterns and let die
those generations old
young as our perpetuating
patterns enslaving us
set hard and hardened by pain and fear
and triggering our reactions.

It involves shedding
skin, shell, the familiar,
layers of illusions,
nursing bruises,
tending wounds of self-betrayal

Seeing
how we keep resisting
Your enabling love
pounding away at our attachments
gentle as the quiet
loosening our hold.

- Noel Davis