Rant. Quietly

I am tired of sleeping by myself. I have Kitty, but there is always the chance I will wake up with pee on the bed or even better, on my shirt. Human affection, real and sincere, is needed in my life. And not just feelings from one side, but from both. Just the thought of that excites me, but I know it really is too good to be true. I meet a great, normal (this time she really is normal!) girl but I make myself appear at a literal drunk and even druggie which definitely ruins my chances. Why I do that to myself, I have no idea. At least I am not lying though, that is how I see it..
Whatever, all this girl really needs is her dog and computer. I am socially awkward anyways, lets just avoid all that bs together and live in peace… But thats not what I want, of course I want more so I keep doing this crazy same routine. Ugh. I will learn one day, I am sure.

I knew and I know what she writes is not about me. I am no where near anything like a lion at all. I have no mane! Though I am so sad, heartbroken almost, that those words arent for me….
“why bother be soft spoken when we could press hard against window panes and bed frames.”
i know i have had my time, i have had my words. technically i still have most of them, on the shelf. am i stupid for still reading them from time to time?
am i stupid for actually thinking that text was for me? that my plan was happening. it wasnt until now that i actually faced that fact that that was what i was actually trying to do. and now that i have made myself known to that, consciously, do i need to tell her that? it isnt right that i give her this attention under friendship terms. i cant let her think i can really live with her without expecting anything now… what perfect timing for my phone to have a delay..
but i know her, she wouldnt be associating back if something wasnt going to happen, right? i dont know. we are close friends now, it should be discussed. its not worth ruining the relationship.

i already know… its just not meant to be.

Lets break this down.
Girls are attracted to me, yeah.
But..

They only like me when they are drunk…
basically.

Now, I have draw this conclusion with the past 3 girls, but in actuality, all of the past girls with exception of one.

I dont even drink that often, so I guess that is why I have been so blind to this. But thats starting to change a little, and thats why I guess I have noticed this. And the patterns.

Ugh. I am definitely not proud of this. Who would be. I want someone to like me for me, when they are sober! Maybe I just need to meet people when they are sober. Then my chances would probably be way better. But.. me not being that social of a person doesnt help. Doesnt this just sound like a lovely circle?
Well at least now that I realized this, I wont fall for dumb hoes as easily. My wall definitely got rebuilt quick after some recent effects. But I am hoping I will be able to let it down again if the chance arises, or whatever.
But right now that doesnt matter. I dont need to start thinking ahead of myself.

I am starting to think that writing is actually more therapeutic than typing. With typing too many words come out too fast. I dont think my mind works at that pace yet.

Ah so much going on right now though.

maybe it would really be in my best interest if i kept my true feelings to myself.
it seems as though every time i tell someone my true feelings, its either too late or it doesnt really matter…
ughh.
its really ridiculous. i do try, and i thought actions spoke louder than words, but i guess some people are really just too blind and need to be told straight to their face.
but of course, it never works out in my favor.
i just need to figure out how to respond to situations then if letting out my feelings if obviously the wrong thing to do.

Who do I miss more than anything?
Who do I want more than ever?

... I know we already had our chance, and I realize our history is literally history and older than anything else I have had.
But I thought we made a promise? One bitch is all it takes for your to break your promise?
Then why do I still want you so much?
Because I know how great at everything, besides this, you actually are.
I have seen how much you have grown. How responsible you have gotten. To some degree.
There is no one that compares to you. To you looks, to your abilities.
Why do you allow yourself to be controlled by this bitch that isnt even totally faithful to you? This was only suppose to be a fling that lasted a few months at most. So why are you still with her?
Why have you allowed yourself to be happy, then miserable, then happy, then just settling when you do not have to??

Do you really not see that I am here, practically waiting for you?
You know how reliable I am, but I only do that for you.
I’m just hoping youll see one day.. she isnt right for you. But I am not saying I am right for your either.

I want to try again, I dont even know where you stand on that.
Much comment cant be made because you are with someone, but if we just pushed that aside, am I waiting for no reason?
Probably.
I am seriously willing to do anything.
I have become so proud of you.
4 years doesnt seem like that long. But when we are dealing with what you had and did back then to now, it is such a huge difference. I am so proud of you for that. I know your past. I know your present. I am ok will all of it. I am more than ok with it.

How can I tell you all of this? How can I talk to you without interference?

So much of my thinking time has been taken up by you within the past couple of months. I cant keep doing that. I need to know if I have to get over you…again… Which I am sure will be the case because I honestly know you well enough to know that you are going to wait til the relationship with her gets to the worst to end it.

You start talking about her, and you sound happy, and that hurts me. I try to keep quiet on the phone. Then the more youre talking the more you start to complain and then I can tell she is texting you… needing to know what youre doing and such. I dont mind listening to you go on about the things you hate about your relationship. And its not because I’m hoping those will be the deal breakers, but because I just enjoy hearing your voice, talking about anything. And I know this is the only thing there will be time to talk about, because soon youll have to abruptly end our call to call her.. then who knows when the next time I hear from you again will be.

But whats new, right?
Youre happy, or at least content. I am here making myself miserable. When I could be with a few different girls of my choosing, but thats not who I want, so I cant and I wont fake that attraction in any manner.

I know what I want. But I just dont know if I can have it. If I can, I will wait. I wont intentionally break up the relationship. I can wait. But if thats not even close to an option, I need to know. I really cant be this alone anymore.

...I miss what we had, how we were. How you are.
I miss you.

First off- You can ‘Thank’ me all you want, but your head must be really up in the clouds if you think I am really trying to help you. Dont forget I’m not actually your sister here. [Thats something you never thought of, as you had no reason to]
I probably will never back you up ever again. I regret every time I ever did.
Youre going to need more than luck for now on, sir.

And aslo. Trust? As a whole I do not believe in such thing. Ever. When have I personally ever been completely God honest true to someone about everything?...[meaningful, I mean]
Ehhh, thats all.