The tears flow.
Only a few short days after my last pregnancy entry, I miscarried. I spent about five hours in the hospital after heavy bleeding and pain that I knew wasn’t good. Five painful hours of test after test and uncertainty, discomfort, pain and sweat. Five hours until I learned that I had miscarried.
The feeling was…
Indescribable.
Although I’d only been a mummy for six weeks, and been sure for even less…even though I had completely planned on giving up my baby for adoption…I feel like a part of me has been torn away.
I had accepted this pregnancy. It wasn’t planned. It had seemed to ruin my life and the life of the father. It had torn apart the friendship between me and a new but treasured friend.
We’d made plans and last minute changes that would completely alter our lives. We’d cried and held eachother for hours on end, we’d panicked and felt like we were going to die.
But I had finally accepted this baby. I had accepted that my life was going to change and that something amazing was going to come out of what originally seemed like a mistake.
And then after so much emotional, physical and mental pain, in twenty seconds…it was all over.
My world seemed to be torn apart yet again. My baby was gone. After getting used to the idea, I was ready for this journey. I wanted to prepare myself for what was ahead. Daddy Jesse and I were willing to make changes, alter our lives and begin forming new dreams around the changes that had occurred.
I had even held love in my hands. Jesse and I were on better terms than ever before. And I could see more clearly what I think he feels but won’t admit. I could see it in the way I would catch him looking at me…when he’d turn away after I caught him. I saw it in the way he provided for me and the way he worried in that silly way that I’ve come to miss so much these past few weeks.
Three weeks have passed and just now am I able to shed tears.
I cried for a few minutes in the shower after my return home from the hospital.
But now I feel that relief as the tears pour and my emotions and my soul are cleansed. My heart’s wounds cleaned out by the salt.
This goal…put on hold. For a better time.
But I loved you, baby…
