Im no freak, no over religious fool and no coward.
Im a regular dude who pursues the incredible and wants to be a part of the wonderful aspects of life.
I want to work hard to earn the good and pleasurable aspects available to us. I dont want to serve two Idols, God and the World, but I do want to be blessed with what I pursue with a good and faithful heart.
I will work, I will never give up, I have withstood tribulations and I know that doesnt mean they will cease to exist. But, I can not can not can not defeat myself by, or accept defeat if I have just one ounce of hope, just one grain of love, a single memory of a smile even if its not my own smile, I can close my eyes as the wind caresses me or beats me down. I can embrace that power and be a part of it and not run from it. I am not afraid to fail.
I will always always always get back up. Its not easy. My body may not have what it takes, my mind may break… but I have the heart. I swear to you God, look inside of me and work on me. Forgive me for my weaknesses, hold me, re-open my eyes, awaken my good spirit once again, breathe strength into me as it pushes out fear and doubt. Please…Point in a direction and I will go.
God has proven Himself in my life though He never has to. It may not have been in the exact times that I “needed” and “wanted”...but when I have sought Him, He was there. He made things happen that were needed in my life and those that surround me.
Im broken and desperate for restoration. You are the Father to the fatherless. And I want to be a good son. I always have wanted to be…here…there….anywhere. Always and forever. I am so thankful for being taught humilty. It has been the single hardest thing for me to accept. But now, I am so in love with my humility. I have been beaten by my own decisions, by my own fleeting puruits. I have tricked myself and I never meant for that. I gave the world everything I had inside and out every minute of every day and now I have learned the emptiness that can bring if what you gave your all to paid no divedends on those investments.
I am a man. I real man. A loving, strong, determined, sincere and good man. But I will always be a son of yours. And I pray for more brothers and sisters in my life. “Family”, whether wordly or heavanly. Allow me to feel their presence and involvement in my life through action and prayer.
My walls of pride have crumbled to ashes as I have taken the battle to Satans door and fought him toe to toe. I have not failed, but I have been wooped like a child fighting a bear. I will never stop messing up Satans life as I have allowed him to mess up my life. I will stand firm until my very last breathe, until my bones collapse and never accept defeat.
Game Over to the enemy and to the enemy within me. Its time for it to lose and lose royally. I take a sludge hammer and an axe to that part of me and beat it to dust. I am doing that… I will continue to do that. For there is much much more to us than this body and its parts. Its the soul, its the thoughts, its the “heart”, its the love and beleif and faith and courage and spirit that makes me who I really am. In that….lay infinite possibilities.
-Derrick Michael Means