think more positively

Sometimes it’s hard to be positive when the things you need to accomplish are numerous and overwhelming. That and I want too many things to happen right now that I’m afraid won’t ever happen.

One of those things is to travel (out of the state and out of the country) with my boyfriend. Unfortunately it requires money I don’t have, and because of student loans I need to be paying, that won’t happen for quite a while.

I also need to get a job or at least and internship in animation so that I can feel like my time and money that went toward school hasn’t been a total waste.

Sometimes I worry about being positive because I’m afraid it’s me being delusional.

Sometimes it’s just easier to think negatively about things. I’m afraid I do it because somehow it makes me feel like I’m handling the situation.

As if crying because I’m so depressed by a situation,as a result, is handling the situation.

For once I realize I’m being negative because I’m afraid of the fall if I allow myself to get my hopes up. I’d really push myself, but I’m really afraid of the disappointment.

Maybe I just need to sleep on it because all I’m doing is rambling.

I feel kind of lost, or, without direction. I’m also feeling stuck in my situation. Nothing is going horribly wrong, but nothing seems to be going quite right. I just got a job, but it’s only part time, and not a job I got my degree for. It’s frustrating because I know others have expectations of me, and I’m not meeting them. The expectations I have for myself? I want to move out of my parent’s house. I feel I’m getting no where, and it’s really…really frustrating.

That and the possibility my family could be moving hundreds of miles away. I wouldn’t go with them, but I don’t like the idea of being so far away from them. What if they need help, is what’s in the back of my mind.

I also have doubts about whether I would be able to support myself financially without a fulltime job, or another parttime job. I need a car.

Right now I have too many floating thoughts that I don’t know how to piece them together in a working map. I’ve always had a plan, but now I don’t know what road or choices to make. Trying to think about it is taxing, it doesn’t help that my relationships have been stressed lately. I feel emotionally exhausted from inside out.

I’m just feeling kind of numb. I want out of this rut.