let go

I think you’re arrogant, self centered, selfish, and a DIVA! Thinking about you drains my soul and I’m left unhappy. Why? She adores you, and though I don’t want her to lose your companionship because you make her happy, there are times I want nothing more than for you to piss her off to the point she wants you out of her life like you have with me.

I think I need more of a life. I think if I were more distracted with happiness in my life then I wouldn’t find myself so caught up with this.

I realized I’m not willing to forgive this person and get over my grudge until they’ve gotten over their grudge, which is likely NOT to happen anytime soon…and even if they did, there would be no way for me to know.

So much of this is about pride. It’s stupid and frustrating, but I just can’t seem, to, well, let go.

It’s been years now. It shouldn’t even be a big deal, but it is. Why do I care?

I also realized I want to be better off than them…at practically everything. I want to make this person regret ever hurting me. Isn’t that terrible?

Thinking about this feels like it’s stolen time from my life. How do you get over something when the person you’re still mad at isn’t completely severed from your life? It’s not as if I can ask my friend to stop being friends with this them, and asking them to not talk about them would make me an ass.

sigh It’s all rather pointless, yet somehow I keep thinking about it.

I can’t seem to stop being angry with this person, and it’s been, what, almost 2 years? Is it possible to hate, yet care about a person at the same time? I can’t help but want to know how they’re doing.

Some days I feel like I’ve finally gotten over it, yet others, like today, I want nothing more than to tell them in person, “I hate you” for making me feel so inadequate, and after two years, I know my grudge has only gotten worse and I’ve become angrier. It greatly troubles me because I’ve never hated anyone before, and truthfully I know I’m to blame for feeling this bad. Deep down, I know I shouldn’t hate this person. My feelings are totally out of proportion.

I want to forgive them, not so much for their sake, I’m no longer a part of their life. I don’t want to feel these flare ups whenever see, hear, or read about them. I want to get over wanting to check up on them. I want to put this behind me, but I can’t help but feel connected to this person through other people we both know, and times when I haven’t thought about them, they, in some form, show up in my life again.

Maybe it’s too much to expect to be completely without even hearing about them, so I want to be able to not feel this angry when I do.

I would like to move on, but even after this long, I’m not sure how I’m suppose to go about it.