stop gambling

Things are turning around I can feel it!! The dreams are there, but I awake and consciously tell myself that my new goals are worth sticking to and don’t even think of slipping cause that leads no where good. So far I am doing very well and am surprised how much lighter I feel already.

I found my way here by some miracle and I am working on keeping that miracle going in the right direction. I have been dwelling in my own self made hell for way too long (21yrs). I thought crazy thoughts of one day being the winner of the world poker tour, I actually believed I was good. The problem was I was out of control, I could come out on top one day and then the next I would be on the bottom. The guilt and shame started to out weight the highs. I have come to terms with the fact this is not the life I want and I wasted way to much time on tournements and cash games at the local poker room. I lied about my where abouts to all and I shrugged my personal, family and work responsibilities so I could play either live or online. I missed out on countless family holidays and friends invitations time that I can’t get back. I made up false excuses for not attending many special occassions in all avenues of my life. I used money from our joint account that was for home expenses and bills, I took out title loans on all my vehicles, I pawned off or sold my valuables. I took out pay day loans and personal loans and high interest credit card loans. I moved checks from accounts to accounts in effort to make payments which were barely being made. I borrowed from friends and family. I was manic and out of control all for the rush of this game, I blame no one but myself and I take full responsibility in my recovery and in making everything right. Time to ask for forgiveness both from those I have hurt and myself as well. This is tough and very painful but these are the consequences and I did think of the alternative coward way out but I am not capable of taking the leap of losing my life, I want to live, and learn from my bad decisions…I want this miracle to continue and for the possibility of turning my life around.The rush I was prisoner to my own guilty I am writing a letter to myself to carry with me in the events that I get an urge. Dear Self, Breath in and out exhale the thoughts and desires, inhale and visualize you being active happy health participant in family and with yourself. Be honest you need not this insane thoughts, you need the peaceful thoughts. Adrenaline can come in many ways no need to count on the cards… better to replace that with riding the waves or bicycling down the shore. If it shall rain, take a walk in it jump in the puddles smell the freshness, rebirth in the tranquility. Calm down take a breath slow your racing thoughts and search out new thoughts of painting, swimming, talking with friends, playing the bongo’s, petting the cat’s, reorganizing the closet, redecorating, singing, dancing, Laughing!!! Letting those in my life know that I love them very much and prove it to them by being there and doing things with them, or if they are far call or write. Visualize the beauty that is coming into your life the peace the honesty. Feel the lightness of the weight that is lifted. Smell the calmness, no more stench of fear, breath in the freshness of the truth. Sense the changes around you, notice and appreciate all the things you use to take for granit. Enjoy the time, instead of rushing it, be patient, be honest, love, laugh and live!!!!

It is still really tough but I am doing it!! Trying to reprogram my thoughts as well toward my new goals!!! That part is exciting for I can visualize all the ease and peace and tranquility I will bask in once I get some more time under my belt. This past weekend I spent some much needed time with my friends and even got some sun :). Next will be to start on all those chores I put aside :). My spouse is still very very angry with me which hurts and I wish I could take all this back, but I must just move forward and do the things I can do. I am creating a new real reality and maybe in the future I can be trusted again. I am starting with telling myself the truth!!! Stick to the new goals and I will begin to breath more freely. My Abundance spreadsheet doesn’t leave my purse and I look at it for inspiration when I have my doubts. The spreadsheet shows me that there is an end to some of the heavy weight of the debts I have created upon myself. This is why I named it abundance for that is what I am working toward by honestly working to pay these off.
The picture looks beautiful, now I just have to paint it for real!! :D :)
Thank you for having this space and listening, I so enjoy coming here and reading about everyone else I have learned so very much, so far so good and I pray to continue!!

Lots of peace, harmony and tranquility to (((((ALL)))))
_~~~live~~a.k.a.(Nicole)

I am holding back myself with all my might I have 100.00 dollars that I didn’t have time to deposit for the bills and I was actually contemplating that I could just borrow it for a few hours and double it. What an incredible DUMB thought!!! I wish I could rid myself of all thoughts like this. Last night I had a dream that one of my friends that I am in debt to was dealing cards to me and that I was winning and paying her back. HOW utterly sick I wouldn’t think of this during my wake hours, but my mind is so SICK it dreams up this distorted perception of a good idea that is really a very bad idea.
I am going to lock up the money in the night deposit at the bank so I don’t do anything with it.
Hope every one else is having a good beginning of the week!!
Stay focused and on track, I am doing my Best to do the same.

I am amazed at how often the thoughts come through my brain, I keep reprogramming my thoughts to positive activities such as my new bicycling and now swimming hobbies. I also still have so much to finish up with chores around the house and work all the things I put aside while I was preoccupied with poker. The closet that still is a major obstacle needs to be cleaned out. I pray I stay strong and focused. Worked on my Abundance spread sheet again this morning and it makes me happy to see that at some point if I continue to abstain, I will be debt free… this is an amazing aspiration and I just have to focus and not give in to these passing thoughts that are urging me to just go to one more tourney and make the debts go away faster. I know that is such an illogical thought and I will convert it to positive note of pay it off steadily and with real earned money.
Hope everyone else with this STOP GAMBLING goal is staying on track.
I wish peace and serenity for you all! =)

It is so hard, but I am still standing strong to my goal of not playing poker or gambling. I wish I could erase the random dumb thoughts of its ok just go to one last tourney. No it is not OK, I have to repeat to myself. I have started to bicycle to get on to something more sane and peaceful. Breathing helps to and trying to change the constant Mantra’s in my brain to play more peaceful goals and aspirations trying to get the cards and dice out of my brain waves daily patterns.

Ok,(big sigh) =\ so I still think in my sick mind that I am actually good at Poker. What a terrible thought. I have been playing for the past twenty one years and I think I have finally realized that all the winnings and all the ups don’t make up for all the lost time. Time I could have spent with family, friends, or in the great outdoors which I use to love. I use to love bicycling cross the country. Skydiving. Scuba. But now my life has become memories of poker hands and the faces of opponents in tournaments. I do get time to read in the bathroom and spend some off time on the pontoon boat or kayaking on Sundays. It just isn’t the life I thought it would be though. What a waist of time, all for the love of poker strategy. I think about it even in the terms of driving or boating when I come to an intersection or decision it is always who has the higher hand at that point. It is sick it is even in my bed at night when I think I can actually enjoy some physical pleasure there the cards are again getting big slick instead of pocket rockets… It has gotten way too SICK>>>>> :(( I need help … I have tried to quit many many times… the INSANITY keeps rising stronger is my will to go back to the tables then live a peaceful enjoyable life with my family doing possibly a better job something that is fulfilling yet not consuming???
Anyone have similar issues??? :\