stop

I’ve realized that my own fear has been holding me back. I have nothing to be afraid of. All the love I need, I already have, inside myself. I have to stop lying to myself. Reality is reality. Without my emotions, I need to see things as they really are. If someone is not being good to me, they are not good for me, no matter what they may say. I cannot live against myself and my inner voice. I don’t need to. I do not need to prove myself worthy to anybody. I want to simplify. I want people in my life who want to be there and who love themselves. Who understand love and realize that it is not about controlling anyone or changing anyone. Now that I have realized that, I believe I will have more people in my life who feel the same.

It hurts too much to continue on this path of unhappiness. This path of predictability of my relationships that are doomed to fail. Will my fairy tale ever come true? Possibly, yes. It will be better than a fairy tale, but it’s up to me to make it happen. I have to stop doing the things that are harming me. These guys all have the same traits in common. Starting with my father. I am not enough for them, but at the same time, I am too much. I am too much, yet not enough to be deserving of their love. Not funny enough, not sexually enough, not spontaneous enough. Not caring enough, not nice enough, not strong enough. Too verbal, too emotional, too opinionated, too independent, too anxious, too clingy, too dependent. Too smart, too pretty, too good, too crazy, too strong, too bitchy, too annoying. I have been told all of these things, not always with words, but sometimes with them, yes. Contradicting, yes! Who am I? What they say I am or who I know I am? I lose myself in them. They tease me. With their words, I am their everything. But their actions cannot follow through. It hurts my heart deeply. I give my life for them. I give my love, my life, my body, my time, my energy, my soul, my everything, my all, if only they will see and give me a piece of their heart. It never happens. I am angry. I am mad and hurt and bitter inside. I give my everything. I gave my everything. My soul has been torn apart for love. For a taste. For counterfeit moments. Moments of deceit that seem like peace, but cause a hurricane inside of my heart and soul and mind because I know the truth. I sense the truth. It’s all pretend. If only I could grasp something real. If I could grasp that there is someone that loves me, just because. And to hold on to that truth because I know how weak I am without true love. I am capable of destroying myself in search of it. I have no strength or courage to be alone without a sense of love. A hope of love. Lord, is this a re-run? Or is this my moment of freedom? Is this another fake breakthrough? Or is this going to be peace and clarity of myself for once in my life? Am I going to learn to love myself enough to stop giving myself to bad people? Am I going to sense your love so deeply that I can move on from my destructive behaviors of myself?