Construct a masterplan on how I will run MY house once my parents have moved down to England and left ME in charge muahahahahahaha

My internet connection should get cut off at 12pm today, along with my telphone and cable TV. I can’t afford those bills. Or rather I’d prefer to spend the money on better things, like guinea pigs. And when I get back from my holidays I’ll cancel the TV license, and then there will be NO TV. I will be happy. But my poor internet. It was supposed to be cut off 6 minutes ago…hmmm.

My darling mammie has flown off down to England to visit my dad so I am in charge for a week.

One of my first steps towards independence is to stop washing my brother’s dirty laundry. He’ll be 20 in May but he still comes home and dumps it for me and my mum to do. I absolutely refuse to be his maid! The question I’m now facing is whether I should a) just do nothing and hope he comes over in the middle of the week to pick up his clean clothes…muahahaha or b) text him and offer to do his laundry in return for a small charge.

no matter what happens the air freshener has to go. It is wrong on so many levels. My dear mother bought it a couple of months ago and it has terrorised our lives ever since. It sits in the corner of the living room and periodically spits out a stream of air freshening particles.

You can be sitting peacefully on the floor perhaps reading a paper about tail-flicking in moorhens when suddenly you hear this evil hissing sound like some angry viper is about to attack. And then you taste the delightful chemical mixture in your mouth just before the hideous scent smothers all of the other senses. And that is why it has to go.

I don’t know. My brother (or rather his girlfriend) worked out all his finances and figured out he needs more money if he wants to move out next year. But my mum has none to give him. I think he’ll cave in and get a student loan like any normal person. If he doesn’t then that’ll mean he’ll be back living with me, and will no doubt bring his lady love with him.

And I was so looking forwards to a life of peace and withdrawl…

My dad’s antique cameras have got to go.

They are a pain.

I guess it will just be a battle between me and my mum to see who’s house they don’t get kept in. My point of view is that they should stay with their loving owner.

There’ll be no more of this “TV watching” in MY house. Therefore step 1 is to convince my brother that television and subsequently television licenses are not necessary.

Next all cleaning products will be replaced with eco-friendly alternatives.

I shall subsist on an entirely vegetarian, fair-trade organic diet, as shall Jack and Dougal (my brother can subsist on ready meals from Iceland and whatever is available from the chip shop).