beat bulemia

I kept down dinner tonight!!!!!

Last night I watched an episode of CSI where a young woman was found in a grocery cart underneath a billboard (of herself, turns out), her face was mutilated but cause of death ended up being septicemia, malnutrition & dehydration. Long story short she was bulemic, had loads of unnecessary self-hatred, & kept a log of what she took in & literally took out (weighing vomit & enema-enduced feces). I wish I had never watched it. I hate getting new ideas.
This morning I talked to my therapist about it, admitting I was not ready to stop. After several tactics, he told me it sounded like I was going to lose my fiance ~ the one that hit the button he was aiming for. In the parking lot after the session, I talked to my fiance, made the same admission, & confirmed my worst fear. Then I went & binged & purged. Twice.
The thought of all of the health risks should be enough to make me stop & wake up. They aren’t. The thought of losing this man somehow is. I must find the gumption to fight harder. If I don’t stop these behaviors, I’m going to lose him & I’m going to die.

I was huge and ~ for more than just being fat ~ I was disgusted with myself. I remember eating my feelings one day ~ overeating, as usual ~ & the thought that I could make myself sick just popped in my head. I did it. Then I did it every day for next 6 months. Some days are good ~ I try to fight it because as a nurse I know how unhealthy it is ~ but some days I don’t fight it at all. It has only worsened tho. I can count the days (now about 8 months into this illness) that I haven’t purged on one hand. Last week it was 5 times in one day. I need help.
My fiance is so supportive. My friends don’t get it & my parents don’t worry (hell, I’m not the miserable fat girl I was this time last year). But I’m a very sick girl. I’m having some labwork done next week to find out just how sick.
I have to fight this. No ~ not just that ~ I have to WIN.