be loved

I am constantly caught up in the whirlwind of romance. Always hoping this is the one time, this is the one place, this is the one outfit that will make it happen, etc. And so far, that strategy has been dismally unsuccessful for me. And I’m going to be honest with you, I’m quite a catch! I have a lot to offer in a relationship. But then again, maybe that’s why I’m still alone, I’m intimidating. In any event, I had a long talk with my father today and he reminded me a something from my childhood. When I was younger I had an obsession with butterflies. So for a vacation one summer my dad took me to a butterfly exhibit in Canada. And all I wanted was for a butterfly to land on me. I was so desperate to have a butterfly land on me, literally to the point where I was chasing these butterflies. However, it wasn’t until I gave up and sat still that a butterfly finally landed on me. The moral to the story is this, stop chasing the wind. You will scare everyone away trying to grab onto things that are not yours. Love is equally as delicate as a butterfly and all you can do is sit back and wait for it to land on you.

Maybe I was never really In Love with you
Maybe I was just looking for someone to fall for
And you happened to be that closest someone
Maybe you were just convenient

Maybe I was just bored with the state of my life
Maybe I had too much time on my hands
And developing a crush on you was just something to do
Maybe you just consumed my time and made my life less dull

Maybe you were just a boy to talk about
Maybe liking you confirmed my womanhood
And maybe I just wanted to feel wanted for once
Maybe I was just looking for you to fill a void

Perhaps I never really like you at all
Perhaps it was all a masquerade
And I was just using you in some sick and twisted way to find security in myself
Perhaps I never really wanted you, I just wanted to be happy

Perhaps love is not the answer
Perhaps it is something you have to find inside yourself
And it is not the love of humans that we strive for
Perhaps the only love that contends desperation and insecurity is the love from above

I had another dream about you last night
You were there but you weren’t mine
Not far from the truth
I promised myself I would never be this kind of girl
I would never let a man dictate my life
Perhaps what is worse is that you have no idea how I feel
And the thing that annoys me is that I will never have the guts to tell you
So while you continue on with life-
And while I am invisible to you
You mean the world to me

Each night I fall asleep realizing that you were in my lasts thoughts
And when I wake up you were among my first
And even in my dreams you encompass my attention
I can’t escape you!
And it’s driving me crazy!
And its so frustrating to think that I never even entered your mind
You can get along just fine without me
While I am here bombarded with all you are-
Dominating my thoughts day in and day out

When will I be over you?

It takes such a long time
And it causes such great pain
But when you finally let go-
You let go as if it were forever

Never again do you wish to be reminded
Or feel as you did before
You just want to get past it
Get over it—-Get over you

And just when you have released it from your grasp
The trials come
Everywhere you turn, there is a memory
There are so many things that remind me of you

Of course you’ve come around again- like I once hoped you would
Trying to reclaim what you could have had
But now its gone-
I’ve let it go; I’ve gotten over it

So now your ready
And I’ve spent my time convincing myself I’m not
Why is this so hard for us?
Or just the conspiracy of us I invented in my mind

But as far as I’m concerned
We never existed
It was just a fantasy I dreamt up for God knows what reason
And if you truly knew what I felt you would not be back for me

Can you really handle me?
Are you wiling to try?

There has to be a point where I shut the door on you
What makes you think I should sit around and wait-
While you “figure things out”
And yet I do, and I probably always will

And as hard as it was to let go-
It’s just as easy to take it back
To desire it back, like it was a part of you
And you begin to question if you ever really let go at all

And that’s what being lovesick is all about

Is it me, or do I sense avoidance

It is so easy for me to fall into those pools of pale blue eyes
If you let me, I would pour my heart out to you
I would give you all of me
Like the calm peaceful breeze of a warm summer day, I desire to bask in your presence
I want to be with you- talk to you-hold onto you-
I just want to stand next to you
With just one word from your mouth you could burst me into bloom
Like the flower bud that never thought its’ day would come
I yearn so deeply for us
You could be mine and I could be yours
And together we would be unstoppable
We could take the world by storm, simply because you’ve unleashed the beauty that I long to bestow upon the world, but would never let anyone close enough to release
But with you I would
Your existence gives me the courage, and your love would give me the freedom to color the whole world with the paradise that resides in my soul

So why do you withhold your presence from me
I receive not even a passing glance
I wonder if you even remember I exist
I burn with envy as you so unselfishly offer yourself to others
And yet, you completely avert your attention away from me
Oh how I wish to know what is going on in that head of yours
What do you feel towards me in your heart of hearts
I lash out with desperate acts just to get a response from you
And yet my acts are futile, for they muster not even a fleeting look from you
Perhaps if I avoid you, you will realize that you need me too
So I run from you, evade the slightest of encounters, and refuse to allow my physical self to be near you
Still you do not seem to notice
I have feelings for you but I can see they’re not mutual
All I want is you, and you don’t think twice of me
What now?

Am I vain to think we ever had something special?
How did my feelings grow so strong for you while you look at me with reluctance?
Are you scared to reveal that feelings do exist for me?
If that’s the case than why are you trying to defy fate?

Perhaps you think you need to protect yourself from falling too hard for me
Truthfully I am scared too
But the rejections you’ve already cast on me are more than I can bear
And quite honestly I know I don’t deserve this torment
So now it’s your turn
Figure out whatever it is you need to figure out
If you can own up to feelings than I will stick around and we can work through this together
But if feelings are not mutual…
I refuse to waste anymore of my time and precious heartache

But if ever you can see me and discover love, I’ll be back in a heartbeat
The quick, jumpy heartbeats that I used to feel when you walked into the room
For now I must do what is best for me and relinquish the obsession I made out of you