In a way it’s kind of cruel to put this here, but it’s close enough.
It’s 1.30am. I’ve just realised that today is… or rather, would have been… my second wedding anniversary. We were married on the six-year anniversary of our first kiss. Yet in about two months, I’ll be filing paperwork for the divorce.
It’s quite odd, because I really wasn’t sure how I’d be feeling about today. Was chatting to ReadyToSoar a little while ago, and now realise that in a way it’s a day to be positive about, because it’s a reminder of just how far I’ve come… and can continue to go.
It’s been a bumpy road, but I’ve always believed that there are certain paths that must be travelled in life to get to where you truly need to be. The direction in which I thought I was travelling turned out to be a detour… but has given me the much-needed opportunity to discover who I really am. Whilst I still have little miserable moments, it’s been worth the difficult times for that alone.
So… what am I ridding myself of? Well, a marriage that wasn’t really meant to be, yet seems to have been a necessary chapter in the story of my life. A vision of the future that turned out to be quite inaccurate. The dream itself I’ll hang on to… but it has had to go on hold for at least a little while longer.
On a more practical level, I still have a wedding dress hanging in a cupboard in the spare bedroom… along with wedding and engagement rings that I need to dispose of. This will all happen in due course. And I’ll continue to travel along the path to whatever it is that my future holds.
Here’s what he wrote:
I’d figured something along those lines. Working on the basis that either I had over stepped the mark, which I only did because my reading of you is that’s what you wanted. Or I just scare you because you think I want a lot more than you do or I’m too much like the ex’s. Ce la vie.
It’s a bummer, because I reckon your well worth knowing, and I mean that as a friend. So I think it would be nice if we could stay in contact, and by all means let me know if you want to go for a bike ride along (local area) or something else.
In typical fashion, he’s assuming that he knows what I did/do want… and better than I do myself. Both incorrect and annoying… but at least he seems to be accepting my decision. Most importantly, accepting it without my having to explain how irritating I find him.
Hopefully that’s the last of that.
After all of my stuffing about, I finally worked up the courage to email CG yesterday. This is what I sent (it’s pretty much the same as I posted the other day):
Good to hear that you had a good time on the hike.
Life’s been quite busy, keeping up with work, friends and family. I had meant to reply to you the other week, but things have just been getting away from me. Your email prompted me to think about things a little, and to be honest, I don’t know that I have the time to fit extra people into my life at the moment. I’m very glad that I got to meet you, and have had a lovely time with you, but don’t think that I can continue to do so… I’m struggling to fit all my friends and family into my life as it is.
I really wish you all the best, and hope that you understand.
I haven’t had a response, so I’m hoping that I’ve got my message across without being too hurtful…
... I continue with it nonetheless. I had intended (again) to respond to CG and try to put him off without offending him… but time slipped by and I managed to very conveniently forget. Plus, I was kinda absorbed by my work-related dramas, and I was sick, and busy etc… I didn’t hear anything from him though, so started to get my hopes up again that he’d given up in disgust at my lack of response.
Lo and behold… on Wed last week I got another email! In it he chats away and then says “PS. You’re not ignoring me are you?”
YES! I am ignoring you! I am SO ignoring you that it’s just not funny! Aaarrrggghhh!
Obviously, it serves me right for not having the guts to just come out and tell him in the first place… it seems he has enough confidence in himself that he’s not going to be put off (frankly, one of the things that irritates me about him… he just seems to be completely ignorant of other people’s responses to him)... so I am going to have to respond to his email and let him know that it doesn’t suit me to keep in contact with him anymore.
Here I was thinking I’d done quite well with this. In fact, Laura asked me just this evening how things were going with CG, and (with fingers crossed) I explained quite happily that I hadn’t heard from him, so hopefully he’d got the hint.
How wrong could I be? As it turns out… incredibly so. Received an email just a few moments ago, and I nearly cried… honest to goodness, I truly nearly did.
Sorry Im, we’re both going to have to get tough for this to happen, I think. Dammit… now I’m going to have to try to get to sleep whilst I’m all grumpy… :-(
I received an email from CG a few days ago, and replied, but was very ‘non-engaging’. Then yesterday he sent a text message asking if I wanted to go to something on Saturday night, or on Sunday. My reply was fairly blunt (but honest):
Sorry (CG), no can do. Am having dinner out tonight, and am in (far away suburb) tomorrow. Thanks for the offer though.
I didn’t get a response… I feel mean, but hopefully he’s giving up on me, and then I don’t have to explain that he makes me feel uncomfortable (and irritated). He means well, so I don’t want to be hurtful if I can avoid it.
He needs to go. Annoyingly, he’s not being as pushy as I expected him to be this week. That just irritates me further, and makes me all the more determined to end it.
I’ll keep considering the shoulder touching option! ;-D