forgive myself

or if I have, it may be complete. In which case, I am in need of a whole new goal.

My first instinct when she “left me” was to regret that I had inflicted any pain upon her. Now I sit wondering, “Is she over me?” It feels like a lifetime since she last inspired that indefinable part of me that I know is exceptional. Since our last, I am a shell.

Although I still regret her pain, my overwhelming concern is whether this is this a life sentence for me. If she were gone from this world, I could accept my fate. She is not. In my mind she is pining one moment and relishes the break the next. If I only knew which was reality.

I think the new goal should be “get on with life” (Rick the (Flannelled) Affective Yeti thinks it is worth doing). Either accept the death of that something that used to inspire folks, find something else that unveils it (who knows if there is something else), or find some way back to her. Take a leap of faith, leave my wife, quit my job, lay it all on the line for love.

Why not? She said not to contact her anymore? I would be left with the prospect of actual loneliness? Not much different from my current married life though. I don’t want her to hurt, and I just don’t know whether she has extinguished all sensitivity for me (in which case my actions could just harden her to life, I couldn’t be more altered from my current state). The only downside I can see is a more pained King. The King I know deserves better than a court jester.

was last friday. I was thinking about her all day long. Mine is coming up, will she be thinking about me? I doubt it, she never was very good at remembering mine.

The pain is starting to subside, which I think means that I am making strides on this “thing.” Nonetheless, I am pretty bitter about it right now. This has happened to me more than once. I will have a very close three-person friendship with two other girls. There are mutual feelings between me and one of them. When something bad happens and the relationship doesn’t work out, or she comes to me and says we can no longer be friends, I’m the odd man out. The two gals are still tight and I am left alone again. I am going to cultivate more friendships with guys.

or am I left worse off for ever having met her? I can’t really wish that we had never met. The moments we have shared are too important to me. I am trying to find something good in the pain that I am feeling.

I think in order to forgive myself, I’ll have to move past blame. It is difficult. I was honest with her; in late night drunken messages left on a machine, Harrisonburg parking lot conversations, and through friends who I know can’t keep their mouth’s shut. I needed to know that we would give it a chance. She couldn’t give that. She needed me to take a leap of faith and risk being alone. I didn’t give that (I could have if I had known, but if I had known it wouldn’t have been a leap of faith).

I said the words, “one day we will both wonder why we never tried, we may be soul mates.” We were best friends.

She had every opportunity to let me know. She didn’t, I got married. We could have been best friends forever. In hindsight, I was making an unknown choice between getting married and not having her in my life at all, or not getting married and perhaps being alone romantically but with her companionship. Which to me wouldn’t have even been a choice. She was clear with me that she found nothing inappropriate about our relationship, and had no intentions of ending it.

Now she writes me and tells me that it is too difficult for her to be a part of my life. IT IS NOT FAIR! ! ! I want to be angry at her, I want to blame her, but I really can’t. I wanted the words for what I already knew. She says it isn’t my fault and that she hopes that she hasn’t hurt me. I can’t bear the thought that I have hurt her, that her life is worse for having known me. If I knew now it was still possible, I would run to her (probably in the rain). I would leave everything. But despite her words, her actions say she is hurting because of me. I love her. I love her so much that I can only express it here, in an anonymous forum. I can’t risk F*#kin^ up her life anymore.

I am left with blame. Not for her, but for me. “One day we will both wonder why we never tried.”