forget him

Hello everyone. It’s been so long since I’ve posted anything. But things are great here. I don’t talk to him anymore, and I don’t even think about him. I’m very busy with school as well as the stories I’m writing. Yes I am writing. lol. It gives me the energy to wake up in the morning. I’ve written quite a lot during the summer holidays, but now that I’m back at school, I have not given up. I’m still writing stories. Fanfiction actually. I get more support I dared to dream of. I write fanfiction about twilight. It’s the most amazing book I’ve ever read and I have to admit I’m addicted. It gives me hope, though. Hope to do everytime right. if you want to read my stories, or if you want to know a place when you can post YOUR stories, contact me. I’ll be glad to help, because everything is great here and I’m happy. Thank you all for your encouragement!

I’m going crazy. I can’t stop thinking about him. It all started at school, on Friday. It was during a boring class, and I began writing his name on my desk. And suddenly, I remembered all he used to tell me. Everything he used to tell me that really entered right in my heart. Everything that had touched me. I remembered the way he used to say hi, the way he used to ask if I was busy or if I could talk to him, the way that he used to tell me he loved me. Even the way we used to fight. And I feel so depressed! I miss him. I miss him so much! I just love his way of talking so much! Life keeps going on and HE keeps going on. I bet he doesn’t even look back. I bet he just think about me as a fly on the wall. A girl who just passed by. But sometimes I have the feeling that he, too, is trying hard to forget me. That he does all he does, like having other girlfriends, and saying I love you to them, just to bury his feelings, and the fact that he’s missing me. But I have to be dreaming. It cannot be the case. If he doesn’t love me and if I don’t want him to, then why am I still thinking about this?

I have his password on tagged and I have been going in and out, in and out, just to know what he’s been up to. Just to know to how many girls he talks to, to how many of them he says I love you. There are many of them. He’s just a playboy anyway. I knew it from the beginning. But I didn’t take that into consideration. I wanted him, I had him. But now I have to forget him. It’s just that the urge to talk to him is so strong, I can hardly think about anything else. I’m so overwhelmed by him. By the memories. And I’m stuck behind. I have some views on other guys, as well. Who hasn’t? But it’s just views, right? It isn’t going anywhere. And I like it that way. I like the hesitant look. The longing, the smiles. Well everything that starts a relationship.

Well, coming back to THE guy, I still have feelings for him. But I’ll be over it in the next weeks or so, I guess. If I go talk to him, he’ll be cold, either he will tell me he is busy and has to go, or he will remind me that it was my choice the idea of breaking up. So what’s the use?

This week has passed so well I can hardly believe it! It feels so good to realize that I can move on without him, after all. It’s been a very busy week and I’ve done a lot, not only in my studies, but in my life. Yesterday was a public holiday, but I didn’t even think of going on the internet to talk to him. I think I’m on a very good path. I’m in such a good mood today, and it feels so good! I’ve been listening to music for hours. Not sad songs, but good and happy songs. Even the sad songs on the radio do not sound desperate or depressive today. Am I a bit over-excited? Don’t know. Perhaps. But it doesn’t matter ‘cause I like it. I like everything about my new life. But then the weekend is back and I’m praying so hard to pass through it without looking or worse, going back. But I’ll succeed. I’m positive. 100%. Not a single regret, not a single tear. In fact I think writing these entries about how I feel helps a great deal. Letting it all inside NEVER helps. This experience has helped me grow up a lot. And I’m so grateful.

I’ve been feeling emotional many times today. I have even thought about calling him or going on msn to tak to him. But I know this is not alright. I guess I’m not alright, myself. I thought I was over this, but somehow I knew in the back of my mind that it was going to take some time before I actually begin to accept the fact that we are not going to be together again. This is so weird. I used to tell him everything. Even though he didn’t care. It’s so hard not to have anyone to talk to now. I’ve been thinking of getting another guy. But I’ve realized that even if it works and I actually forget him, it will not be fair. I don’t want to play with people life. And I don’t want to end up breaking anyone’s heart or, worst, my own. It’s only Saturday, and I am already starting to think: ‘It can’t be wrong if I talk to him only 5 minutes, right?’ I feel that instead of moving forward, I’m going backwards. But I’ve not already broken down, so I guess there’s still a chance to move on. I have to grow up, and find myself other priorities in life. And I’m positive about the fact that I’ll succeed, not only with the help of my determination, but also with the help of all those who are encouraging me. I can never thank them enough, but I guess a way to pay them back is to try my best and succeed in my new life.

I deleted all his messages. I was a bit hesitant to delete them at first. But I did it anyway. All of them. Even the one that said he loved me. I used to read it everyday! But now I realize how much harm I’ve been doing to myself and I’m much better. After deleting them, I was out of breath. As if I’ve been climbing a mountain or running miles(strange, huh?); but I like the feeling. I have to do everything that will help me succeed in my new life. Even if that means I’ll have to make a lot of sacrifices. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to forget him. It is soooo difficult. It’s been only days and I’m starting to break down. Just hope I will not cry. That would make it worst; ‘cause when I cry, I think about all the things we did together. I feel so awful without him…

If I pass through this weekend, it will be ok. ‘cause then there is school for one whole week and so much to revise for. I will not have much time to think about him, and I’ll feel better. I like keeping myself busy but sometimes I feel so bored and lazy, I stay in bed or on the couch all evening, thinking about the good times we had together. Even the bad, sometimes. But then I think, every couple has its bad times, right? Only that we are not a couple anymore…

I’m still hopeful about the fact that I’ll forget him. I just have to find a distraction. A good distraction. whatever, I’m still trying. Thought about him many times today. Even found myself smiling. Perhaps it will take more time than I thought to get over him. I’ve stopped using msn. But I still do not have the strengh to delete the messages he sent me when we were still together. I did not delete them ‘cause I know I will regret it. This is why I have to let time heal it. I have to wait for the time when I’ll have no regrets. I still have some. I usually tell myself that even if we fight, the importance is that we are talking. Because his presence satisfies me, sometimes. But I can’t stand the fights anymore. I can’t stand the lies, the pressure. I’ll have to go my own way. Without him.

Confusion envelops me. I look at his name on msn. I want to talk to him. I need to talk to him. I’ve been addicted since the day we met, and I’m trying to control it. This proved to be more difficult than I ever imagined. He’s my drug, and I need it, every week, every day, every minute. I’m lost in him. Lost body and soul. Though talking to him always helps, I’ve realized some time ago that it does me more bad than good. He doesn’t care about me, he cares about himself. He cares about having a girlfriend to show to his friends. He cares about having a girlfriend to tell him how great he is. And he IS great! I can’t forget him, I can’t forget the memories, I can’t stop thinking about him…But I have to try. Harder. And this time I’ll succeed. Can I tell him I love him one last time before I block him from my existence? No, or else I won’t be able to resist. I’ll need all my strength. I’ll need help.