Discover how to stop being "the bad guy"

I take the brunt of rejection and people wonder why I am morose.
I strive to be better and no one notices.
I beg for one moment of hope and I am ignored.
I watch things go on that would make anyone wonder and still I do my best not to doubt….but again…no one seems to notice.
Even common courtesies are not extended by people with an uncommon connection.
Am I really the bad guy?
Every time one of these things happens I am filled with self doubt. I have always been confident in myself so I don’t know how to deal with this. I am filled with worry. I overflow with doubts. I burst from the repressed emotions going all the way back to childhood.
I have lost everyone and I see myself losing everything else.
Am I really the bad guy?
My strives not to be go unanswered. My attempts go on ignored. My pleas unheard or possibly just unanswered due to lack of interest.
I want to be important. I want to be missed. I want to have someone blow off plans with someone else just to spend time with me. I need to know I am not the bad guy that I feel like right now. I need to know I am lovable. I can’t seem to get anyone to help me see that for even a moment. I can’t seem to be content with second best.

this is the letter I wrote her trying to be the good guy. It is unedited and exactly the way I felt (and still feel) I put it into practice yesterday with minor bumps in the road but all in all I kept my word. I was better than the day before.

No matter how justified in my feelings I may be, no matter how offended or hurt it may make me feel, and no matter how much I wish you to change I cannot make any of those things bigger than my affection and love for you. You are right. I have been a fool. The real problem is that I have been trying to turn you and I into one person. Your problem has been rebelling against that even if you couldn’t explain it to me in a way I could understand. Or you let it build up until it exploded and my first reaction was defensive. I do understand much more now. You could call it an epiphany but I actually prefer to leave it nameless. Let’s just say that now I am AWARE. The two of us as whole, individual people can bring more into a relationship than two “half people” who are joined at the hip. My jealousy, while I may feel the circumstances justified it, was based on the assumption that you would find someone better than myself. We had already been through too much for me to allow that thought to stay in my head but I did. It was all my own insecurities creeping up. I apologise to you for all the times that I made myself upset over things like that. By making myself upset I put stress on you that you revolted against making the situation worse. That is the reason, I have decided, that whenever I would ask you to come home or call me you would do the opposite. I wasn’t asking in the correct way. I was putting stipulations that my feelings would somehow change if you didn’t do what I wanted. It is nice sometimes to get what you want, and it would be much appreciated from you should you decide to do things at times for me but it is not required. I explained last night how you stood up TO me but never FOR me and that it is one of the things that really hurts me. I felt as though if I would walk through hell for you you should be willing to do the same for me. That isn’t always the case. I want you to concentrate on making you happy. If I am involved in that then I make this vow that you can show me anytime you feel I am being the slightest bit unreasonable. I will never try to change you into another half of myself again. I would like to get to know some of the people you want to hang out with….not out of jealousy but because if they make you happy then they must have some redeeming quality that I couldn’t see through my anger. I would love to be part of your life. Not an all inclusive part, just as much as you want me. I really am trying to change my outlook on things and open up myself to you in a way I NEVER have with anyone. We have been through too much together for me to sit back and stubbornly hold on to my anger over something that, in all reality, didn’t do much harm. My own anger did more harm to me than your actions did. It made me sick and in pain just from the worry and frustration. Your actions didn’t cause me a bit of illness or pain…..it was all in my head. I will love you forever regardless of what comes in the next week or month or even years. I may occasionally ask for favors but they will not be used to guilt you into anger or try and manipulate you for my own ends. They will simply be the request of a man who loves you and desires something you have to offer. If you do not do it I will not be caused any physical pain at all and provided that I work on my emotional state even that will remain untouched. You really are very special to me and my only wish would be that you could see yourself for one day the way I see you. You would never have another insecure moment again if I could give you that gift. You would feel like the most beautiful woman in the world all day every day. This is my promise to you…..now and forever. I will always try to be better tomorrow than I am today. On top of that I think I have made a huge leap since yesterday just by seeing how my own jealousy compounded the problem. You can walk away from me if that is what you want. I will never walk out on you. I love you in the most profound way a man can and I hope you can find the love in yourself to allow me to continue to be involved in your life.

My girlfriend of 3 years wants space. Well ex girlfriend now. I admitted that I was being smothering and overbearing and promised to change. I made that promise yesterday and I believe that I handled things much better today than I would have last week. It seems that no matter how much I try to change to make things better (I know I am 50% responsible for the problems.) she will not try and make my changes easier on me. It is almost like she is prodding the same areas that drove me crazy before. Even so I did not react the way I used to. I remained calm, did not throw out petty insults and asked politely for her to help me by doing a small thing. Coming home. She wouldn’t do that for me and apparently it made her mad that I even asked. Again I am the bad guy and I don’t know why. I did hang up on her but that was only because I felt that no matter what I said I would be wrong in her eyes and nothing would change that so it would be better to simply stop talking and accept what happened. I am not mad about her staying with her friend. I am not mad about her not telling me she loves me on the phone (even though she told me she loved me right before she kissed me and left.) The thing that bothers me (not anger…just dissapointment) is that one minute it seems like there is a chance and the next minute she tells me that we are through. Back and forth. If I didn’t love her dearly I wouldn’t even try and change for her. Not that I think I didn’t need to change. I am at peace with my own actions right now knowing that I showed a great deal of trust tonight but the doubt remains if I should stop trying. I don’t want to stop trying. I don’t want to give up. All I want is a little help from the other side making these changes in myself without hitting the triggers that cause the crazy to creep back in. Who knows….maybe it just isn’t meant to be. Guess I won’t know that for sure until it is either going good and strong again or dead in the water. Till then I will keep hoping that I can do enough alone to convince her of my sincerity without any help from her.