Be a better friend

I was counseled two days ago with this analogy:

A long term relationship is like a marathon, the longer you continue it, the more difficult it can become.

I think some people have a possibly incorrect expectation about relationships – they perceive the longer you are in a relationship, the more “comfortable” and “easy” it should become.

But the only people having human relationships these days are humans, and we are a fairly sophisticated, desirous, and particular species.

You may have more success in your relationships by not expecting they will become easier, but rather expecting they will remain relationships between two different, not-identical, and independent-minded humans.

No one else makes you unkind to others.

If you are unkind to others, it is by your choice.

Whatever keeps you from helping those around you shine is not only a hindrance to them, it is a hindrance to you. Look for actions and environments that allow everyone to shine.

The objective is not only to find others who will show you new ideas and environments. If you can find that, that is delightful. But even if someone else gives you those things, your role becomes consumptive, consuming what is provided by others.

A better objective is to find others with whom you both can create together new ideas and environments. Those kinds of cooperative creative chemistries are rare and treasurable.

I don’t know how to describe my “condition.” I’m a person who looks for positive feedback from the people with whom I am in a relationship on a daily basis.

This may sound normal and to be expected, but it is not always the case.

I’ve been in signficant other relationships where the other person would “disappear” for days. It sometimes wasn’t that they were avoiding communication; rather, they didn’t either have the desire or make the time or priority to “connect” on a daily basis.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I need to have feelings of “connection” or solid, affirming communicaiton every day. But I want it most days. And “daily” is my preference.

Why am I mentioning all this?

In dating, or in choosing a significant other, you should do the best you can to determine if the other person not only likes you, but also try to answer these questions:

a) Do they want to make time to communicate as often as I do?
b) Do they want to feel “connected” at a similar rate of frequency? Or do they need significant personal space time away?

It’s not necessarily good or bad to want to feel communicated with and connected more frequently or less frequently. But it may be very important, pleasant, and healthier to choose a significant other who looks for similar frequencies and kinds of positive feedback patterns.

If you want to “connect” daily, and they disappear for days at a time, that may say nothing bad about either of you, but it could lead to signficant conflict and heartache.

Okay, let’s be honest.

There’s going to be times when you say something that isn’t nice.

So, my best advice is to limit those times as much as you are able. And because some people are more “able” to do that than others, for the times when you say something that isn’t nice:

For each of your criticisms, try to preface each with an equally sincere and weighted compliment. Usually, if you are in good enough standing and position to criticize someone, then you also should know other equally good things about them. So, do the work and hold your tongue long enough to remind yourself and express to them an equally good or better characteristic about them before you criticize.

And if you really can’t think of something equalizingly good to say, then you probably need to examine yourself or the relationship further.

I once knew a girl
She didn’t want to sell me clothes
She didn’t want to sell me trinkets
She didn’t want to sell me jewels
She didn’t want to sell me food
She didn’t want to sell me a religion
She didn’t want to sell me
She wanted to sell me moderation, consideration & sensitivity
She wanted to enable the opportunities for me to answer my questions

There are literally thousands of people who are willing to receive more from you than they are willing to give you.

A social and business pursuit is finding and maintaining relationships with the very few people who are willing to give you as much as you give them in return.

That may not sound like a very exciting or prosperous exchange, but it is. Seek relationships where you clearly add similarly equal value to each others’ lives.

It is important to consider that most people may prefer “owning and controlling things” over “maintaining relationships.”

“Relationships” require balancing, responsibilities, mindfulness, and consistency. They involve determining and meeting subjective and objective desires.

“Things” don’t usually have similar considerations.

If this is true, I’m not saying these circumstances are good or bad.

Relationships are difficult and require regular maintanence. For all the talk we hear about how much people “want to be in a relationship,” the reality is that fewer people, than most may expect, desire to do the work involved in maintaining relationships.

Possibly surprisingly, one of the underestimated personality characteristics that may help a person maintain happy relationships is this:

The ability to be pleased.

And the more easily a pesron is pleasable, the more pleasure may ensue.

Sometimes the problems are not everyone around you. Sometimes you can improve your environment by allowing yourself to be pleased more easily.