Be a better friend

When you look back on life, the people you will remember fondly, and in some cases miss, will likely be the people who led, inspired, and helped you to go on to create enduring and beautiful things.

It’s easier to laugh when you perceive the person you are interacting with has your better interests in mind.

If you want to spend more time with the best people in your world, then start by treating the people in your world as if they are the best people in your world.

Counter to some possibly widely held assumptions, significant relationships don’t necessarily fade due to an increase in conflict or a high level of conflict.

More often, significant relationships fail after a period where one person perceives, correctly or incorrectly, the other person will not be willing to make, or capable of making, desired adaptations.

More than simply an existence of a high degree of conflict, the inability or unwillingess of one person to address significant points of conflict will more likely lead to a break down in a couple’s ability to continue to relate to each other.

In other words, don’t be concerned about a high incidence of healthy arguments as much as you should be concerned about an absence of healthy arguments.

Acknowledging conflicts by having fair and clearly communicated arguments is often very good for relationships. The absence of a willingness by either person to address conflicts through considerate arguments is a greater concern.

At the point you fear your partner no longer will argue with you, or at the point you cannot imagine your partner will bring new ideas and arguments to the table, that is a time to consider seeking the counsel of books, expert opinions, and other therapies to bolster and educate both or your abilities to address the issues . . . if you want to maintain and nourish all the other beautiful parts of your relationship.

Being in a healthy relationship is not the same as being in a couple.

In healthy relationships, the people involved have the ability to infer, anticipate, communicate, and take care of each other.

In a healthy relationship, both people are willing to put in the time and energy to take care of the other.

Healthy relationships are rare because they cannot exist through the extra efforts of just one of the people involved.

Healthy relationships require the cooperation of two.

If you don’t have the ability to listen to correction when it is accurate and warranted, you will probably have difficulty maintaining close relationships.

You can be very attractive, funny, and brilliant. But if you don’t know how to yield and how to concede when you are wrong – if you don’t know how to change your perceptions, reasoning processes, and responses when applicable, you will probably always struggle with long term relationships.

The better you are able to adapt to improved patterns of thinking and behavior, the more likely you will be able to enjoy pleasant interactions with others.

If you don’t figure out how to make real changes, you can fault all your past friends and lovers for their weaknesses, and you can convince yourself you were right to not change through each of those relationships that have come and gone . . . but ultimately the consistent unadaptability may still be within you.

A practical question to ask might be: Were all of my past friends and lovers flawed? Did they ever figure out how to adapt well with others?

The word “relationship” may sound romantic. But a practical definition of the term might be more plainly expressed as: “A fluid existence of regularly conceding faults and an eagerness to adapt personal patterns to meet the interests of the common good.”

Some dogs bark to prevent humans and other dogs from being bit.

Who do you treat as a second class person?

Why do you treat them that way?

Is it because of their race?

Is it because of their religion?

Is it because you’ve filled your quota of first class people and you can’t accommodate one more?

Is it because of their gender?

Is it because of their sexual orientation?

Is it because of their marital status?

Is it because of their appearance?

Is it because your social circle wouldn’t approve of you treating them as a first class person?

Is it because they don’t fit into your plans and predictions?

Is it because they don’t fit into the life story you were writing?

Is it because they don’t agree to agree with you enough?

Is it because they make valid criticisms of you?

Is it because they sometimes discuss what you don’t want to discuss?

Is it because they don’t fit your physical body-type qualifications?

Is it because they don’t make enough money?

Is it because they don’t come from a good enough family?

Is it because they don’t have a good enough job?

I encourage you to re-evaluate whatever it is that causes you to consciously or unconsciously treat someone as anything less than first class.

If someone’s treatment of you and yours has been first class, then consider that maybe they should be treated as first class based on the quality of their character, and the quality of their kind, fair, and good behavior toward you and yours.

When you are encouraged to treat others as second class for unwarranted reasons, then consider rebelling. Even then . . .

Love always

Consider responding to first class behavior with first class treatment.

On a related side note: As you might expect, I really don’t like the lyrics and supporting philosophies behind The Beatles’ song “If I Needed Someone” from their album “Rubber Soul.”

“I didn’t say we got along. I said I loved her.”

“I didn’t say I understood her. I said I loved her.”

Of our first relationship, I think I can say this:

I gave you Faith.

You gave me Reason.

And I believe I got the better end of that trade.

I apologize I did not have anything better to give you at the time.