give my parents as much as they have given me

It’s difficult, this goal, when my parents hate each other. If I get close with one, the others gets angry at me. It’s a terrible balancing act and it isn’t fair to me. I feel as though I am being trampled on and crushed under the weight of their collective malice. My lungs are collapsing and I cannot breathe- figuratively speaking, of course. I want to be close with my parents and give them as much as they have given me, but it’s a catch 22. If I am close with one, I alienate the other. Both of them love me, but I feel I am being pushed farther and farther away from them. It’s a scary position to be in… to feel that no matter what I do it will be wrong and upset them. I’m walking on eggshells. I’m close with my brother, but if I move away from my parents, which I think I might need to do, I’ll move away from him… I’m not sure I can stand that… I hate constantly being afraid of upsetting or alienating my parents… of disappointing them. In all other aspects of my life, when I am alone or with friends, I feel free… when I lived by myself, I felt free. In coming back, I haven’t heard the end of how much I hurt them by leaving. I’m so conflicted. I need to be on my own, I think, but I don’t want to hurt my family. I love them, but I need to breathe. I am made to feel ungreatful, but in reality I AM a good child. I try my hardest and I don’t like having my emotions tossed about and stepped upon. I’m not perfect by any means, but I try so hard and it’s not fair that I always have to feel guilty or be the one to fix what I did not break. I love myself, I am not a bad person. I don’t deserve this. But when I explore all the options in my head, there is no way for this to end well…. being stuck in neutral is terrible, but to free myself I would have to hurt someone and I’m not willing to do that. So I bare the grunt of the situation, I do that for my family, for my brother… and I realise I do not want to give to my parents, but to my brother. I love my parents, but all they require of me causes me great pain… and what does my brother requires of me? Just that I am there to take the burden off of him… and he doesn’t even realise it. I feel over dramatic and whiney, but I’ve been holding this weight for so long and it’s killing me, it’s stifling me. I do not know what to do, but I need to figure out something quickly… my back is breaking and soon the world will tumble down.

I have been trying to make a concerted effort to help around the house more. I love my mum VERY much and want to make her life easier. When she asks me to do something I do it without complaining. I ask her if she needs help, and even insist upon helping. I try not to argue about small things as much. I do things without being asked. These are small gestures, but I feel they help and let my mum know that I want to help and care about her.