become a diplomat

... I fail so much that I might as well eat failure for breakfast. The numerous kinds of failure that have befallen me are like breakfast cereals from which I can choose.

That’s right, I failed the Qualifications Evaluation Pannel. I was fairly certain that I was going to fail this portion of the exam simply because I am young and Master’s-less.

However, I do not despair at the numerous breakfast cereals of failures from which I can feast, for dwelling on failure (except as a way to examine a mistake and improve) does nothing but create more failure. Oh Failure Breakfast, you Foolish Fiend! I will not get sucked into that trap! Nice Try.

I am not really ready to be a diplomat yet. I think that I need to grow and learn more about myself and the world before I can be a diplomat and before I can decide whether I even still want to be a diplomat or not. When I first passed the Foreign Service Officer Test, I panicked because I knew that I was not ready to be a diplomat and that I was not sure I even wanted to be a diplomat anymore. This is one of the first goals that I ever added to 43things. I chose diplomacy as a career path, because I love to travel and it seemed to be the best career path for one who wants to travel. Now I still want to travel more than ever, but being a diplomat seems to involve mostly bureaucracy and being-a-yes-man. I would have to defend causes/beliefs that I do not believe in. I can physically do that, I am quite an eloquent speaker and talented at making logical arguments, but ethically I can not do that.

I am happy with the idea of working in Korea as a teacher for a little bit to raise money for graduate school and then potentially getting a PhD or going into the non-profit sector. I love the idea of being able to travel on my own for a little bit to raise money to learn, that feels right. One of my favourite professors did just that before he got his Master’s degrees and PhD. My mother insinuated, however, that getting a job in Korea was a kind of failure on my part. If an adventure in Korea is a sort of failure, then I am happy to be a failure.

I am fairly certain that I will not pass the Qualifications Evaluation Pannel (QEP) who review my Personal Narratives (PN), HOWEVER, I certainly tried! I put off writing my narratives, because I keep thinking that I will not make it into the Foreign Service. But I must not think like that. I must believe that I am brilliant and that any company/school/program that does not want me is losing out.

My responses are in and now it is in their hands….

It’s nice to have these responses done and this weight lifted off of my back.

We’ll see. We’ll see…

I think that I did very well on the FSOT (Foreign Service Officer Test) which is the first step towards becoming a diplomat. It was trivia questions (which I found fun to answer), English-language questions (nothing tricky really) and Biographical questions (which was only difficult in that we had a very short amount of time to write answers to several questions). There was also an essay that asked me to defend my opinion on a given topic.

I think that I passed… if not, I would be quite surprised. But I thought that I would make it into the JET program too, so that shows how much my opinion of myself is worth. What I am worried about is passing the QEP (Qualifications Evaluation Panel). I am very young and have not yet gone to graduate school and my only work experience is volunteer, part time, and temporary jobs. I am hoping that if I am able to relate the experience that I do have to being a diplomat that I stand a chance of making it to the Oral Assessment (OA). The OA is basically a day-long interview and practical examination that pits me against other would-be diplomats.

There is an ambassador who teaches at my University. She is only on campus Thursdays and Fridays, so I am going to go speak to her either tomorrow or Friday to decide if this is the right job for me.

Oh! THAT Ambassador who works at my University and can help me get a job in International Relations…
I should talk to her…

My only fear is that because I will be representing my government, I will have to be proper all the time and will lose myself…

I always want to remain a kid in spirit, I do not want to lose that for anything. Will wearing a suit and tie everyday and talking about politics drown my spirit? I hope not, I hope my spirit is stronger than that.

I hope I will always act as I wish to act. I will always seize the day, no matter the work I do…

I do not know if this is the career for me.

It’s not a matter of sinking or swimming, I will swim. I am a great swimmer. I think it’s a matter if I will just be a swimming body and if my soul will have to live elsewhere for a while… I can’t put my soul on hold. I can’t tell it to wait while I work. I have to keep it with me at all times. That’s the deal.

In a world where so many do not know their purpose in life, I know my purpose quite well: to enjoy life and to help others along the way, to always stand up for what is right and squeeze the wonder out of life. To never miss a second of the splendor…. Yet, with all my knowledge of my own purpose I still wonder if the job which supposedly will be great for me will leave me satisfied or not… and knowing myself I will probably say it is great, even if there are problems. I will try to make the best of it… I need to promise myself now that I will be honest with myself.

Me: Self?
Me: Yes Self?
Me: Do you promise to tell me if you do not like being a diplomat?
Me: I’ll try, and that’s supposing I even get a job as a diplomat…
Me: Okay, so promise for any job/career that you will tell me if you do not like it… So that we can change it. okay?
Me: Okay, I’ll try. I’ll try to be honest. I’ll really reflect on the situation.
Me: Do you promise to not suppress that child inside? To not supress yourself? Your true being? (Whatever that means…)
Me: Yes. I promise. I could never hurt a child, especially if that child is myself.
Me: That’s all I can ask.
Me: Do you think it’s at all strange that you’re having a conversation with yourself? Strange That you are not only having a conversation with yourself, but typing it for others to see?
Me: A little, but hey, I’m a strange person.
Me: Indeed.

And maybe my chosen cone “Public Diplomacy” will make all the difference… It seems to deal more one on one with people and cultural events, so that means that I do not have to suppress myself…

Hopefully I would quit anything that asked me to suppress myself. Hopefully whatever it is that makes me me will shine and exist regardless of what I do.

I hope.

I’m not sure that I want to be a diplomat, but I’ve taken steps to find out if this is the right job for me. I’ve written to a Diplomat in Residence (via the State Department’s website) and asked a good load of questions… I’m in the process of filling out my form to apply to take the Foreign Service Officer Test (FSOT) and practice so that if I do decide this is what I want, then I’ll be ready. Likewise I am taking a “Intro. to International Relations” next semester to give me a taste of what I could be getting myself into…

I want to make a difference in the world and travel… But I don’t want all of my work (or even most/much) to be done in an office… I want to help people, bot behind a wall, but face to face… and I want to find intellectual and creative stimulation from the job… I guess that’s a lot to ask… I’ll also miss my family….