be happy

How can I become happy? I always feel like my heart is breaking. Just shattered to bits in my chest. It never feels like it’ll go away. It’s like this constant hollow feeling. Like when you’re scared on a rollercoaster and it’s like your stomach is dropping. Not to fun on this ride.

I feel so unhappy right now. It’s as if the whole world has gone away…

Sometimes I get unhappy when my mornings don’t go too well for me. I feel as though its sending out this negative vibe or energy that carries out and lets everything around me know that I’m going to have a bad day. And bad days really upset me. They just kinda turn my whole world upside down. It really sux that its like that and I should be able to control my own day and where its going to go, but I guess I get so wrapped up in the bad energy I’m giving off and I just stay in that little funk until I get home. But I’m working on it. I’m trying to be better at what I do to make the best of sitautions.

What makes me happy? I’ve already established that music makes me happy. Food makes me happy. But it also makes me unhappy. It’s weird. And annoying. I guess…alot of things make me happy. My poetry makes me happy. Even though the tone of my poetry is really morbid and melancholy in a non-psychotic way. People enjoy it which makes them happy, and when I see that they like it, it makes me happy. Bringing home the good stuff- whatever that may be- that makes me happy. Grades, money, great news, good news, new clothes, new movies or games. Games make me happy. My friends think that its weird that I like videogames. Hey whatever! One even said that I’m like a guy because I had that Burger King Double Texas Whopper. So it’s made for a guy, B.F.D. I can take it. Again, food makes me happy.

I think my musica makes me happy. I don’t really listen to the radio or MTV that much anymore. I mostly watch shows or movies and I pick out songs from there. They sound really cool and something about each one lifts up my spirits a little bit. When I’ve hit rock bottom, I listen to sad music and surprisingly it makes me feel better. Like some of the lyrics I can relate to and i just feel like Okay cool, someone understands.

i guess you could say that life is alright at the moment. I have a job, I have school (which believe it or not is not such a bad thing) I have my family, and I have…..other stuff I guess. I don’t really have that many friends. I used to but now we’re just “hi how r u?” kind of people. I have a few good friends but i only see them after school which doesnt help when I am at school. Girls don’t like me. I think they’re jealous. Believe me its NOT a conceited thing. I think I just might be one of the most nicest people you may meet in your life. I just kinda go about my buisness and hope that i’ll maybe find a friend one day who isnt so…mean. I write alot of poetry and that helps alot because alot of people like my poems and maybe that could be a conversation starter.

I hated the person I became in 6th grade. I was chubby and had no emotion. I was just blank. I wanted to kill myself and almost made an attempt but flaked out at the last minute. I was skinny again in the eight grade and that’s when I met the first guy I would later fall in love with. He was so sweet and kind and really cute. There wasn’t a day that would go by where we wouldn’t see each other. We were crazy about each other but it was never made official.We never went out. He never asked me, we nevr kissed, we were just like forbidden fruit to each other whatevr you want to call it. So he dated other girls but really only cared for me. When we got to high school I told him that I didn’t want to do this anymore- lying to ourselves that we really like each other. He finally asked me and I refused. I felt relieved that whatevr we had was over. But then he moved in summer 06 and I took it really hard. I cried for about week. Last year, I went MgMtn with some friends of mine and it slowly progressed into the worst night i ever had in the year have in life. This guy I really liked was there and his date (not gf) didn’t show up. So I thought okay he’s been giving me all these signs at school I guess i’ll go for it. it turns out that he was looking to score with my friends sister. which was a downgrade if you ask me. It might not sound terrible but that night was really awful and when I got home that night I was crying hysterically. The next morning i went and got myself a razor blade and statred to cut my left arm. It hurt like bitch the first couple of times but then it started to feel so good. Like I was doing it to really feel something bcuz I felt so empty inside. Then it got worse when he hooked up with my “friend”. From that point I said that i’ll never be happy again just Ok. I guess now you could say that I’m Ok. I’m not complaining about anything. Life is alright.