be thin

I really do. I hate weekends. I’m so good during the week and then wen the weekend comes idk wat happens. I eat. im so tired of eating. hunger means nothing to me. its just tht compelling need to want to do sumthn i guess. idk i just hate wknds. this week will be better. i finally got some more coffee after i accidently dropped it on monday or tues. i don’t like coffee at all-especially black coffee-but it takes my appetite away. i need to reach 115lbs by the end of this month. i think my goal weight for the end of this week will be 120-118lbs. just need to keep picturing my non-touching thighs nd i’ll get there soon.

i was ok this morning. took my green tea and diuretic pills. idk it was lyk 1pm or so and i felt so weak. I was at the mall and i was smelling all the delicious and nauseating food. But i resisted and drove back home. when i got home tho, i ate some cereal (cheerios and raison brand crunch), then i got sick for some reason and stopped. a little later i had lyk 3 crackers, and then 1 slice of garlic bread—-which i feel soooooooo shitty about right now. how am i supposed to reach my goal weight of 115 if im going to keep doing this? i probably wouldnt have even eaten n e thing if i didnt need to do my ap work. i was so tired tho and out of coffee i didnt know wat else to do.

weighed in at 122 this morning. had 7 crackers not sure why but got full pretty quickly. i’ll have water for the rest of the day and gum. bought 2 dress yday and one of them i wont wear until im 115 or so.

The morning was ok. I had 4 crackers and an activia yogurt. 150 cals. Didn’t eat until the afternoon. Idk. I kinda had a bad day so I ate more than I would’ve liked to. I just keep thinking that if i were skinnier i wudn’t care so much about wat the people i hang with say to me. i cud just silently say to myself,”watever ur just jealous b/c im so much smaller than you r.” im too scared to weigh myself today. i can’t wait until my thighs are visibly not touching. i cant help but feel like things are going to really happen for me once my thighs don’t touch. i guess its kinda weird. I need to get to 115lbs. not to sure about when. definitely before November.

I didn’t eat any solids at all today. I had one yogurt this morning, then it was water from there. At around 4 or so I had 2 yogurts. I have this perfect image of myself wen I get reach my goal. I haven’t weighed myself yet. I’ll do it in the morning. I got these green tea pills a while ago. idk i get this feeling that they’re not working anymore. idk. do any of u guys do diet pills? im tired of being 125lbs and over. im so sick of being fat. it just feels so wrong.

well i went for a run today and did sum walking. the started off well nd i didnt have very much to eat nd i my stomach was a bit slimmer but i think im going thru my binge stage. i hate this stage; i hate this rut im in. Its the worse place to be cuz u feel like ur never gonna get out of it. i eat nd eat nd eat nd eat nd I’M NOT EVEN FUCKING HUNGRY!!!! im soooooo pissed at myself! i’m just thinking why dont i have enough balls to just throw up or sumthnn??!!? (im afarid of throwing up) i kno it doesnt help much but im taking 4 laxs right now to feel better about myself. I think they’ll help if i can just close my big fucking mouth nd occupy myself with work i need to do. im so upset. my stomach is bloated nd i look terrible.

Weighed in at 122 this morning. I’ve got about 7 lbs to go.

i had surgery yday on mouth. i had all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out. so my mouth has been so swollen and im in a lot of pain but the bright side of it is that i’m not eating as much. I can’t eat solids so all i’ve been eating is yogurt, applesauce, sum oatmeal and mashed potatoes. i pretty much only eat wen i have to, like if i need to take sum pills or sumthn. so yeah, its mighty painful but it’ll pay off. i kno it will. I weighed myself this morning and it was 121 lbs. so my goal is 115 and i only need 6 more lbs to go.

I live in Cali so it’s really hot here n i don’t kno wen the best time is to excercise. shud i go early in the morning or just suck it up n go in the afternoon? I’m not too sure. I really enjoy riding a bike but im not sure how effective that is. i used to walk a lot too. i feel lyk, compared to everyone else, my type of exercise is very laid back. idk. i just feel bad about myself all the fuccn time and i just want it all to stop. im miserable most of the time anyway-whether im thin or not, but at least wen im thin, i look good miserable. im sick of looking down at the scale and looking at the number there, either not being the least bit surprised at the weight thats showing up or being surprised at the fact that i’ve barely eaten all day and im still at 125. I look disgusting. i feel disgusting. and incredibly bloated.

i didn’t even know I gained so much weight. i’m upset. this morning i weighed in at 126. that’s digusting—-REALLY disgusting for me. I have a goal to reach before fall: I need to go back to school with my thighs slightly not touching, my stomach as flat as can be, my hips attractively out, and weigh about 110-115lbs. won’t that be so cool once I reach that? I’d be so happy to tell people my weight then! “Ur sooo skinny! I’m jealous-how much do you weigh?” Then I’d say, “110”. =D =D
I’m getting a little excited and a bit ahead of myself. But I can do it!!! Ok, question: How many calories does it take a day for me to ok? Like without fainting (though even if I did it won’t really matter since I’m home most of the time anyway.). I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it!! Ok so how many lbs is that? Um, so I need to have lost 16lbs (ish) by the end of August. And then I need to be able to maintain it.

Sometimes I get to a really good weight like 120-118 but then I teeter-totter between 120-123. Its hard to keep it off sometimes.