forgive myself of my sins

I feel that if I never drink again I will be in the position where I can truly move on from what I’ve done. Drinking has been the root of most of my problems and smoking the root of the others. If I never go back. If I accept this and embrace this new life I honestly believe I will finally find peace.

Well, I did until I went and got drunk. The problem is I just turned 21 so all I want to do is explore my drinking freedom. But here’s the thing. I want to try new types of drinks but then I get this urge to drink another whether it be the same or different. I’m just really confused right now. If I think about drinking I kinda… crave it… a little bit.

I will do this. I know I can. I am a capable person. I will stop listening to my inner demon and all its pleas to abuse. I will not give in. I am a strong person. And I will grow up, today. Not tomorrow. Tomorrow no longer exists. I have today. If I do, I do today. I am putting out this cigarette and I am going to drink 1 drink a night three times a week. No more lies that I can control it. No more. I said no more. And it means that.

I know that I should move on. It’s been three months since I started this goal and over a year since I was so wrong. I should be moving on. But I can’t. It still hurts. It won’t leave me alone. AND I DON’T WANT IT TO!

I will do this is by making something of myself. Doing good things that counterbalance the bad. Only then can I find forgiveness.

Yes, I hate it but Cloud’s right. “I just…” what? can’t do it? Why would I try then? I regret to the core of my being what I did to M. Calling her like that. Insulting her and myself. Driving drunk. Driving tipsy. Getting in the car with drunks. Disrespecting myself. Flouting arrogance in J’s face. And I sin still. It may not be the same sins. But they are sins nonetheless. And this isn’t a religious thing. As I’ve said before. But “sin” is the only word I can think of that sums up my misdeeds accurately. So how do I forgive myself??? Why? I just don’t understand why I should. Shouldn’t I accept it, move on the best I can but always remember how much pain I caused myself and others? I mean, if I actually did forgive myself… what’s to stop me from doing it again? I should be dead. Many times over. I should not be sitting here, typing this right now. I should be dead but not before I would wish I were dead. I should be dead and if not dead than scarred for life and traumatized. Everyone explores the dark roads. I went too far. And I’m lucky I’m okay. But I still hurt the ones I love. And that hurts me even more. They trusted me. They let me in. They tried to help me. And I hurt them. I’m so sorry.

This is by no means a religious goal. I have done bad things that I know only one person can forgive: me. I have tried to forgive myself. Each time I come up with the same reasoning. The rotten, horrible things I’ve done will be in my memory for the rest of my life. No amount of pleading will alleviate the situation. I must live with the guilt for the rest of my life and that’s okay; because only then will I deserve forgiveness. Consequences, consequences.