Get to know myself

But I think I am finally comfortable in my own skin. Yes, I intend to lose weight. But basically…I like ME. I have a few bad habits but overall…I like me. It has taken a long time to come to this point.

Recently that I need people more than I thought, but I also NEED alone time. It is NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE to get that when you live with two small children and three other adults. Sigh. Well, next up: how to make time alone for myself and also how to find a new group of friends.

I have been covering it reasonably well, but you know, it isn’t good to suppress things really. One way or another, they tend to come out. I’ve had some anger issues lately and I think I just need to work this out and let it out before it eats me alive. I just need to figure out how to work out the anger and the stress. I’ve tried a lot of things but nothing has been helping lately.

I guess that it really isn’t surprising, but I’m discovering some unpleasant things about myself in this exploration. I suppose that isn’t all bad – now I know what to work on! :-P

I’ve discovered that I am much stronger than I thought I was.

I’ve discovered that I can do, and bear, much more than I thought – and without complaining! (Much to my husband’s relief, I’m sure! :-D )

I’ve discovered that becoming a mother will greatly increase your ability to just…do what needs to be done.

I’ve discovered that I can do things or face things as a parent, that I would have doubted my ability to deal with before.

I’ve discovered new depths about myself, and new depths of love.

I’ve discovered that you can indeed get plenty of sleep and still be tired! (But it is so worth it!)

To try blogging in the morning. I used to do morning pages (from The Artist Way by Julia Cameron) but I don’t have that much time these days – not uninterrupted time anyway. So, I’ve been keeping my journal at night. Now, I think I might blog in the morning. I type much faster than I write so it shouldn’t take me as long to do this. We’ll see if it helps me in this goal.

First of all, I just realized my last entry for this was apparently 4 weeks ago – where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday – really!

Anyway, today I realized that someone found my blog by searching “how do I stand up for myself”. That makes me sad (because I wish I could help that person) and proud of myself – because I am FINALLY figuring that out (better late than never, right?).

I am a stronger person that I ever thought I would be. I have been through a lot and that is what has made me the person I am. Yeah, some of it was ugly. But you know, I like who I am now. I like me more than I ever have before. It hurt getting here, but I think growing up always does. Really, all I hope is that I’ve learned from my mistakes and from the hard times and I hope I’ve become a better person.

I am going to go back and look at my old journals. I need to see if they contain anything, really, of the younger me. I wonder if the things I can’t remember now about the time between 11 and 19 are contained there. I boxed these journals up and forgot, much like the memories themselves. Those years were not good for me and I don’t know if I want to remember. But I want to check the journals before I throw them out or shred them.

I’ve discovered that I CAN tell my family when they need to back off a little – and I CAN face the consequences of standing up for myself. This past week, I let people know that the constant questions from people about our current job situation was not helpful and, in fact, was quite stressful for me. I asked, ever so kindly and politely, if people would give me a little peace and quiet over the holiday. So far, the response has been mixed – and predictably so. My mother, as I anticipated, responded with what I interpreted as a snide email. My mother-in-law has just quietly backed off – and told my sister-in-law that she was going to stop asking questions for a while. My father has also just quietly been supportive lately.

I’m disappointed by my mother’s reaction, but I realize now that this was not as painful as I thought it would be. If my Christmas is more pleasant than Thanksgiving, then I really will have achieved something important.

1. I’ve got to start setting boundaries – particularly with family.

2. I’ve really got to grow a spine and tell family to back off when they’re prying. They may mean well, but they are still in my space.

3. I need to work on some bad habits I’ve got. I don’t want to pass them on to the next generation!