find love

I’m beginning to wonder whether or not this goal should actually be ‘realise love is possible for me’ or ‘accept I am worth falling in love with’, or even removed completely.
Find love seems so grand and definite. Yes, I really do want to find love. I want someone to share my life with, a partner in crime, a supporter and a lover but I can’t help but wonder whether or not this goal may be in any way detracting me from finding it, in the sense that perhaps it’s too much pressure? I have ‘Date more’ and surely this one will eventually follow.
My initial foray into internet dating, while ultimately unsuccessful as far as this goal goes, has in fact opened my eyes to the possibilities out there. Currently I’m corresponding with someone who seems far more suitable and I feel very relaxed about it and am happy to just take it as it comes and see what happens. And of course there’ll always be the third person, with whom anything happening is extremely unlikely, but which has feelings attached to it that I’m unable to turn off just like that (and of course, I suppose one should never say never).
So there are avenues out there. I’m not the brittle, unloveable, bolshy and intimidating terminally single person I thought I was and that’s what makes me wonder whether or not I have in many ways completed this goal. While I am not with someone to whom I’ve said (and heard) ‘I love you’, I don’t feel as hopeless as when I added this. Argh, I hope this makes sense and isn’t just the ramblings of a mad woman!

So. I’m back from my date. It didn’t work out. He wasn’t the same in the flesh, I didn’t find him attractive nor did I want to work on that. He was incredibly shy and there were awkward moments, but it wasn’t hideous and all is not lost.
I have learnt an incredible amount from it. The main thing is that I am attractive and sexy and confident and funny and worth dating and that I should stick to my high expectations of a partner. I could so easily have tried with this guy. Without wanting to sound too full of ego, he was extremely keen, and if I thought that was all I was worth I could’ve continued and known I’d have been adored. But I’ve realised I deserve to try for what I want and that eventually, I’ll be able to get it :)

I’ve met someone (in a manner of speaking, hello match.com!). We’re meeting next week, I’m very excited, he’s so lovely. I have a good feeling about it.

So while logging into MSN, this article caught my eye.
Most of them don’t apply as they assume previous dating history but I have to say, 1 is spot on for me. I jut don’t get about enough. As it were…
The trouble is, I just can’t get over feeling like people aren’t that bothered by me and that I’m a bit of a trial to spend time with, despite what might seem evidence to the contrary.
The article suggests finding a ‘partner in crime’ to go out with. Well yes, I’d love to! But most people my age have already found their life partner in crime and the place I live is populated by cliques of people who’ve generally grown up together and already have strong bonds and don’t want/need an addition. That last bit genuinely isn’t an excuse, it’s fact.
Oh I dunno. I’ve just suddenly come over feeling all crap having felt perfectly fine for ages (I know I posted on this just the other week but I wasn’t feeling as crappy as I do at the mo) and this is always the goal I come back to when I’m down. I guess it’s because things would be much better if I had Someone to give me a hug and tell me everything will be OK.

brutally honest, I’m feeling sad about this one at the moment :(

I often get these wild crazy crushes on people that make me feel 14. I’m a sucker for a pretty face and when it’s combined with a gorgeous, kind, funny personality, well, who wouldn’t be drawn in.
The trouble is, as with life in general actually (the majority of this entry could equally be filed under Fight The Fear), I often feel like I’ve got a bit overexcited, a bit giddy and a bit full on and immediately back off for fear of, well, I don’t know really. This can happen without even having to have had any feedback from anyone, it’s almost as if there’s an excited puppy inside me gambolling about, jumping and panting, wanting to play, who then gets spooked by something imagined and goes and hides in a corner.
Again I guess it all goes back to not wanting to be made to look stupid, which must in my head equal lack of respect and rejection.
There are a couple of people I’m fond of at the moment, people who for whatever reason excite and attract me and make me think I’d like to spend more time with them but I’m full of reasons why it’d be pointless to even try. So I don’t. And this goal remains just that, a goal. Not a reality.

note I realise this sounds all a bit depressing, but actually I’m in a really good mood. I’m just getting more and more ticked off about this (about me) so want to put it all out there. Carry on… ;)

My friend said to me the other day ‘you can go around America on your own but you can’t talk to a guy. Baffles me.’. And she’s right. It’s not that I can’t talk to a guy, I can, I’m an amazing flirt. I just never ever feel like I can take it further than that intial lightheartedness. Partly because I don’t feel like they’d be interested so why bother, partly because I don’t want to be proved right that they’re not interested, partly because even if they said yes I’m interested I’m not sure I’d believe them.

But lately I’m starting to feel like maybe I could make that leap and potentially believe it were someone to tell me they liked me, y’know, like that. It’s not like they wouldn’t have reason to, I just can’t quite seem to trust that.

I think I’m probably more of a soft shell crab at the moment, as opposed to its tougher, can-only-be-eaten-with-a-nutcracker hard shelled cousin.

So I’m in the mood to explain this one. On the surface it’s blatantly obvious. On the surface it’s also one of those vague, wishy washy goals (like “Be Happy”) which I try to avoid. But let me elaborate…
I’ve never had a romantic relationship. Ever. Nor even got close. In 30 years. That makes me sound like a real freakish weirdo right? I’m really not though. I socialise (though possibly less than most), I’m fat but not unattractive, I have opinions and interests and skills, I’m funny (honest!), I have brains, I’m pretty much normal (although I struggle with confidence and not feeling wanted fairly often) I have (obviously, or I wouldn’t be on here) lots of things I want to achieve and lots I can offer someone.
Yet somehow I’ve never managed to translate this into making myself a viable relationship candidate and I really can’t put my finger on why. Uglier, fatter, stupider, cleverer, nastier, nicer, more stable, far more fucked up etc etc etc people have relationships so why not me? Maybe it’s because a lot of the time I just don’t believe positives about me. Like the list above, or when friends or family say nice things. I can understand the words are probably true yet they’re like oil and water, they just sit there. The emulsion is never created. And how can you believe someone else likes you when you don’t like yourself?
All I want is someone to care for me, to think of me first, to spend time with, to have fun with, to have someone I can be physically close with and for whom I can do all those things too.
So really, what this goal truly means is for me to somehow find, explore and finally shed whatever forcefield I have around me that prevents this happening in order to find that special person.
And then to find him :)