Please don’t bring too many presents to my house this year. I want to establish a Christmas that’s meaningful, not materialistic. Maybe one or two small gifts from hubby, but nothing electronic or expensive. But we’ll keep our tradition of writing and placing letters to one another up in the tree :) I see all my friends obsessing over budgets and shopping lists and Black Friday, and I don’t want any part of that. Please keep my heart simple and pure this Christmas, if you can. All I want is snow, lights on the tree, a yummy meal, and hubby and Piper. Don’t let me get caught up in store ads. Make sure I remember what Christmas is really about, and feel free to remind me if I should be tempted to feel sorry for myself when all my friends get GPS systems and huge televisions, okay? Because as you know, Santa, I need nothing. I want for nothing.

Love,
L

^{p.s.: I’ll be bringing Piper to meet you sometime this Christmas season. Hubby and I see you in the mall every year, and this year we finally have a little person in our home. She’s dying to meet you. See you in a month or so!}

Thank you so much for visiting when you were all sick. I really appreciate your utter disregard for my premature child’s health. The sore throat that I now enjoy is countered only by my daughter’s howling cough. Even though we expressly stated that visitors must be symptom-free for seven days, you felt it necessary to call on us when you were in the midst of the flu.

I really, really fucking appreciate it.

Love,
L

You are a douchebag asshole from HELL. Excuse me for not wanting to see you in prison this weekend. Sorry if I want to enjoy my baby shower and not come see you that night. I’m not the one in prison! I didn’t do anything wrong! Don’t I deserve one day with my family, to talk about the baby and just be happy? And not end the day in tears because I have to visit you? Shouldn’t I get to be like other women after their shower—spend the evening looking at all the cute gifts I received and then go out to dinner with my mother and grandmother? How dare you make me cry even once in my life, let alone while I’m pregnant?

Don’t tell me I’m “worthless.” I’m not charged with multiple felonies, am I, fucktard? I’ve written you a letter every week. I leave you phone messages every other day. Send you money. And you tell me to “piss off”? No, YOU can piss off. Sorry if your pregnant daughter is trying to take care of herself for once instead of you. The world does not revolve around your stupid ass. MY world revolves around ME, my husband, and my unborn child. You’re the one who couldn’t keep your life together.

I told you we’d drive down next month, specifically to visit you. Make a weekend of it so the visit doesn’t ruin an otherwise special day. But no, it’s not good enough for you. You must get your way all the time, even in prison, even if it means my distress…and thus the distress of your first grandchild. You are a selfish prick. No wonder your wife is divorcing you, your son never calls or leaves you messages, your brother is too busy to visit.

Loser. You are on your own from here on out.

Love, I hate you.
L

Please stop putting me in the middle. Stop asking me if she’s dating someone. She is, but I don’t have the heart to tell you. I know prison sucks, I know you miss her, I know you are trying to change. It’s too little, too late. For fifteen years your addiction has put her through hell and now that you have no contact, she’s finally moving on. She is so happy. It hurts me to hear you upset, it hurts me when you call and never ask about ME or the baby. Everything is about Mom.

I can’t do this anymore. I want to be here for you and keep you connected but it’s getting tough. My daughter will be born in two months, your first grandchild, and you aren’t even interested. Your fevered desperation is making me sick; it’s scaring me, and I’m unwilling to place myself in the middle. I don’t need this right now. Be a man and accept the fact that she’s divorcing you. She is. I’m not—you’re my dad and you will remain so.

Please stop making it so hard for me to care. You’re breaking my heart and I don’t deserve it.

Love,
L

You are the most beautiful woman I have ever known.
Inside and out.

Love,
L

Seriously, I’m going to kill you.
Trying to conceive at fifteen is ridiculous.
Calling someone your “baby daddy” is also ridiculous.
Expecting your parents to pick up the tab is thrice ridiculous.

I feel bad for the child you make.

Love,
L

i hate you all!

and I’m really glad we moved so far away
because you are soul-sucking monsters
with serious issues.
Life is better on my side of the rainbow.
Go away and stay there.

Love,
L

STOP posting on Facebook when you’re drunk. You are making yourself look like a drunk asshole, and the rest of us look like friends of a drunk asshole when you come onto our profiles and post rants and raves of the most random things. Your significant other is in the hospital right now, in a coma, and all you can do is get drunk (as always) and make a pest of yourself.

Also: if you post one more rude comment about your son, I will hit you with a brick. My husband ignores you for a good reason…stop pretending you don’t know why.

And the truth is, we all wish you were the one hanging on for dear life.

Love,
L

Don’t blame my family for adoring him and showing it. Your laziness is your fault, not ours, and it isn’t going to stop us from spoiling him rotten :) Someone has to be there for him…if it isn’t going to be you, it’s going to be us.

Love,
L

You are a bitch. And a royal pain in my ass.

Love,
L