Convince my mother that medication never stopped my downward slide.

I’m not anti medication. I’m not anti people that take medication. I took it off and on for a few years (the off and on is part of the problem).

Just really sick of the weekly conversation I have with my mother where she asks if I’m ok, then suggests I go back onto medication. Medication is not a quick fix solution, and most of the time all I need is a quick fix to boost a down mood, because my mood goes up and down like a yo-yo.

So the only thing I think will convince her is a really long letter. This’ll be the next step in the goal.

I probably need to do what everyone else does, and join in conversations instead of staying in a corner and hoping that people will come to me. But when I’m like this it’s hard. Sometimes I think it’s related to PMS, because it seems to go in monthly cycles… up down, up, down some more. When I’m up I exercise, I’m cheerful, a go-getter, rarara. Down means sleeping. Really down means cutting myself off from all my contacts.

Received my last cheer 14 hours ago. My last text…

I swear to god one day I’m going to put an end to it, no matter what I do the same shit happens over and over.

My boyfriend wants to talk about the future of our relationship tonight but the best option seems to be sleeping. Way better. Get so tired of trying, need to have a rest from everything. Can always read while in bed, then it wouldn’t be a total waste of time. Need to catch up on reading, only get the book for a month, never seem to get them finished then if someone else has requested it, you can’t renew it. Anyway, I digress.

People gave really great suggestions, some not possible due to my pessimism, others just not possible. As I’m not at uni any more, uni clubs are out. If movies aren’t in the budget, gym is even less in the budget but I think the point was getting out and doing things so that’s ok. I can’t cook in my own home at the moment, but if I move I could invite people for dinner. Maybe. The library is good, if you want a book from the basement you have to ask for it = people contact. Some of their free stuff is during working hours, really not suitable. But the worst times are at night when everything is shut and your only option is a bar.

Last night had first trial working at a bar, was so nervous. Hoped to get some love from my peeps via text message afterwards, but nada. That was a low point. Just want a big hole to open up in the ground and swallow me up.

Weekends at night are the worst time, worst for loneliness. I’ve been to dinner on my own, movies on my own, bars on my own. Doesn’t make you feel any better, its just awkward. Even trying to start conversations with strangers, or anyone just adds to the loneliness. Last night I had a long walk home in the dark from my Portuguese class. The class sucked and while walking home, it felt like the night was just going to swallow me up. Like if I just kept walking, and never stopped, it wouldn’t matter.

I think I’ve managed to stop the slide down for now, having goals and being able to tick them off helps, as well as getting encouragement.

...So I added this goal because it occured to me I’m on that slippery slope down, when I spend every available opportunity in bed. In bed by 6.30 on a Friday night. Friday for goodness sakes! Then on Saturday, sleep in til mid morning, sleep in the afternoon… There is more of course but when I want to sleep more than is healthy or necessary, it’s always been a sign in the past that I’m not well.