not be depressed

My life is a bad story.Everything I can remember is 90% negative.My smiles come from fantasies of what could be ,could’ve been..everything real is bad for the most part.My daughters are the only happiness I have,and I feel sorry for them that I’m their mom.Anyone that ever befriended me or was nice to me it was so they could use me for something.I don’t know if anyone’s ever genuinely liked/loved me and just stopped for some reason…or if noone ever really wanted anything from me but what I can do physically for them.I’ve been treated like dog crap and I feel sorry for my kids because I’m scared people are gonna treat them like they treat me.My life gets worse the longer it lasts…I don’t want to see how bad it gets..the only reason I think I’m here is for my daughters;I try for them..I’m gonna try my best for them.Sometimes I need a hug so badly and can’t get one.. get pushed away.He acts like it’s a chore to hug me or look me in the face.I told him so many things about me thinking he cared;he spread those things around and uses them to abuse me and the people he shared with use these facts to do the same.I’m scared they’re gonna mistreat my children too…just because I’m where they come from.Always made fun of/cut out of the group or never let in.Always for entertainment and amusement.No friends and loved ones don’t love me.I feel so stupid.I’m called stupid when I stand up for myself and a crazy,stupid b&&ch when I do.When I don’t cry I’m cold and when I do cry I’m dramatic/cunning.When I close off and am just polite;I’m bitchy..when I open up and try to build relationships;I’m manipulated and exploited.Anyone of the opposite sex has only spoken to me because they want to sleep with me..when they see that’s not gonna happen..they treat me like everyone else does(which they were probably doing behind my back anyway).I’m spied on in groups,she tells him what to say to me;like he needs help talking to his own wife..or like I have more of a bond with her than him. They have convos with me while the another person sits quietly listening on the other line..or they copy my emails to them and pass them to eachother and copulate on what the one person’s response will be.They don’t know that I know they do this..but why?Why am I being treated like some sort of science experiment? Don’t I look human like you? Why do you not care about my feelings at all? WHY?Why am I treated sub-human?Why do you hate me?..If I asked you wouldn’t tell me..but you WOULD discuss it with your comrades…”the lowly peasant wants to know why there’s no respect..can you believe that?” If I ask I’m a troublemaker ..but it’s nagging me;somewhere in my mind I have a strong belief that a candid conversation would bring closure and rest to everyone.Can’t write you..you’ll just ignore me and have a field day with the letter.WHY?! Why do you disregard me like that?Why can’t you just tell me what I did wrong or what you don’t like?It would hurt so much less if it didn’t appear to be for no reason but sheer hate.Could I be THAT bad and have no clue? Could I have been that bad all my life and have no clue?Why am I so insignificant to everyone? Is it my face/voice? Someone pays attention to you..makes an effort to convince you that they find you attractive/maybe even are in love with you..treats you like your soo pretty so great..makes you feel pretty and confident and special then unexpectedly becomes disgusted with you…says and does things to make it clear that they DON’T find you attractive or smart..that they really don’t give a rat’s ss about you.Made me feel like it was some sort of sick joke the whole time and I really AM ugly; and stupid to boot.I hate looking in the mirror at stores or pictures of myself.I’ve never been told I was pretty unless I asked or there was some sort of “charitable” intention behind it.I’ve been called ugly before.I don’t want my kids to be embarrassed of me.I don’t want them cut out because of me.Made fun of and a fool of.This person has spat on me,kicked me,ripped my hair out of my head,punched/choked me while pregnant..said he didn’t want me or our kid…I open up just a little about it to someone who acted so interested and caring(I thought the butterflies were mutual..I feel like SUCH a fool now)..they accuse me of just trying to evoke sympathy..and basically told me I was lying. I’d like to just ask these monsters why..very direct questions of why they did /helped do certain things to me…they would never answer..they’d just hide behind a wall of lies that they create and everyone who believes them who’ll come after me full force for asking such things.It’s appalling to confront,but it’s okay to commit the offence?It’s appalling to ask why(causes too much trouble)so we’ll just do x%x say whatever we want to you and you just smile & keep your mouth shut about it..that’s the program,okay? That’s considered as having class and being “easy-going” in our little world,now don’t be a crazy,stupid bitch and screw it up!Somewhere in the back of my mind I’m still convinced there’s someone that GENUINELY loves me/thinks I’m beautful/wants to know me..and I’m wondering what they look like so I’ll know ‘em when I see them lol!This vent feels good,but how I wish it were a person listening instead of keys on a computer. I’m gonna wash my face and go to bed..there’s solice there and in my work and efforts..I’ve stacked so much stuff up to do..I’ve found this is a good way to keep from thinking about other aspects of my life that aren’t so sunny.I’m gonna reel it in now.I feel a little better…Thinking of the pros and positives of my life cheers me up.I put up pretty curtains in my shack of reality..I make happy memories and positive facts.That’s my light at the end of thetunnel..I tell myself that although bad thingsarehappening and I have mostly bad memories..I can make goos memories and do things to feel proud of myself and give my girls reasons to be proud of me and where they come from.I just wish I had that loving peron right now.

Who doesn’t belong to me.

Who is semi-related to me.

Who already has a family.

Who probably doesn’t even care about me.

Who has a low opinion of me.

Who wants nothing to do with me.

How can I be so pathetic?

Or rather at different moments during the day..I feel extremely confused, lonely, defective and worthless.I feel like noone on this earth cares about me and the people that did or could have I messed it up somehow.It makes me not want to do ANYTHING.It makes me wonder why I’m here.