But now I also know why.
I didn’t completely grasp what being my own best friend meant, so how could I say I had done it and believed it was there to last?
I’ve messed up during the last couple of days. Been sharing a whole lot with a few close friends, here and there. The way I used to. The way that used to make me feel uncomfortably naked afterwards, because 1) I had divulged more than I intended to, and 2) I knew my words hadn’t been properly understood, so I now felt like I was being judged or held accountable for something that wasn’t entirely accurate.
I never knew why I did that. This feeling of involuntary nakedness is something I can always remember having, ever since I was a little girl and had that bitter taste in my mouth after sharing personal details about my parents with my friends.
This had stopped though. Ever since I started working on this goal. Ever since I understood the true reality of things. It was hard at first, but probably one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned. At the end of the day, it’s just me. So I need to be able to just lean on me, and stop seeking emotional support elsewhere. Because others don’t always give me what I need when I need it, and I can’t keep making myself this vulnerable when I have understood this. (and this isn’t bitterness, or disillusion… I have not disengaged from other people and stopped opening up and seeking comfort in others, it’s simply a healthy discovery that was long due).
But anyway, I slipped. The past couple of weeks have been a bit heavy with my guy (we have a lot of challenges, and I go back and forth a lot between being committed to us no matter what, and doubting if I made a wise decision in wanting this relationship). But the problem is, noone knows the whole story. People all see things from their own angle and based on their own experiences, and they only hear one tiny side of my story, because right now, I just need to share my load. Except they don’t get it. All I get back from it is a) them no liking him, therefore jeopardising the possibility of shared friendships if our future as a couple goes as I plan ; b) them having an opinion of me based on the bit they heard, not matching reality and therefore complicating my future relationship with them ; c) me receiving advice that I absolutely can’t use, because they either really can’t relate or really don’t get it – or both.
And then I feel naked. And feel guilty towards my guy for having wanted to share some of my load and ending up speaking badly of him somehow. It’s not good. I wish I could take it back.
But it’s positive too. Because I have now come to understand that being my own best friend, to me, also means that it’s enough to share my deep inner thoughts and concerns with myself.