Fall in love

So I think something happened…

I don’t know if my emotions are founded. Someone outside of the experience will probably say they aren’t, but for me I can’t feel any other way than this.

Lately I’ve been feeling depressed. I tried to tell my best guy friend I didn’t want to have anything to do with anymore. I tried to tell him that I was in love with him, and him not being in love with me was killing me, but that I understood that he could no sooner turn on attraction than I could turn mine off. He told me no. He told me that he wouldn’t allow me to walk away from him. He said that it was ridiculous like investing a million dollars into a business and walking away.

He said we had been through too much to let go. He said that I was just feeling a little burned out because I have been doing all of the work to maintain our friendship. He said I was the one going out on a limb for him, and it was wearing me out. He said he was going to do better. He said he was going to try harder.

His attempt to try harder included not calling me all weekend. How am I supposed to not “do all of the work” when he doesn’t pick up the slack. Anyway, it worked out, and somewhere in there we had a defining moment. A moment that made me fall in love with him all over again, but I can’t really go into detail due to the fact that this is already a long post.

Anyway, so we made plans to go shopping last night and we were going to go on a roadtrip. He talked about going to Chicago, but we would only get to stay like an hour and it is cold there. I just prefer to not be cold, so I suggested we move Chicago to another day later in the year.

So last night we went shopping so that he could pick something up. Not shopping for me mind you. Then when we were done he saw this girl, and there was this really AWKWARD moment. Then he was just weird all of the way home. He asked if we could go to the grocery store, so that he could pick up some things. He was driving I said go, so we went. I was still upset that he hadn’t explained why that moment was so awkward.

So we pull into the parking lot and he is like tell me why you are upset I don’t even know what I did. When I told him about it it was like he didn’t even remember the incident. Then he told me that his girlfriend was coming by tonight and he needed to get home.

I said when did you decide this. He said before we went out. This really hurt my feelings because I had two different offers for last night and turned both of them down because I already had plans with him.

I don’t know I’m really upset. I don’t want to see him anymore. I’m tired of his inconsideration hurting me, but all I want is for my phone to ring and it be him. I know that it wouldn’t take hardly any effort for him to get me to forgive him, but I am so scared that he won’t even make that effort.

Sorry for the length, but what am I to do?

Well, the BFF has a new girlfriend. This sucks. I don’t know.

I ran into an old friend though (ZOF), and we might go out. I also have to dump FBG. Well, I keep telling him I’m not his girlfriend, so I guess not dump just stop dating.

I think if love were easy maybe it wouldn’t be as sweet, maybe when I find love I will know its value because of all the waiting I did.

This is what I try to tell BFF. If you can find someone with a spiritual connection like ours why not go with it. He just tells me he isn’t attracted to me and it lowers my already fragile self esteem.

So let me update the entry about my bff from Friday. I kind of called him out on the kissing thing.

I said this is what I think is a more realistic scenario. I think you were sitting there and you were thinking man it has been a long time since I have been with a girl. Then you were thinking hey there is a girl right next to me. I bet I can use her to scratch this itch, so you grabbed me and started kissing me. Then your good Angel appeared and said Stop you can’t use her. She is your best friend, so you stopped out of respect for me and our relationship.

I said is that closer to reality than you were checking for feelings. He agreed that it was.

Which is good, but why now am I thinking that maybe I should just scratch the itch. Someone talk me out of that!

Okay I have been pinning away for my BFF for almost two years now. I just think he is amazing.

Anyway, last night he kissed me. Real kisses—French kisses. It was pretty amazing. He had his hand in my hair and pulled my face towards his and kissed me.

My brain was going a mile a minute and I couldn’t stop thinking how do I get him to do that again?

Then he said look I think about you too. All the little things that you do for me, and I think about us. I just needed to check and see if there was a spark, but there isn’t I just view you as a friend.

Then he sends me a text message and says I didn’t mean anything when I kissed you, so please don’t think anything into it. Thank you for who you are.

I don’t know what to do!!! I can’t make him love me and I can’t make myself stop loving him especially with him supplying with just enough bait to keep me on the hook. What do I do?

And just so that everyone knows. Not talking/seeing/hanging out/spending time with him is NOT an option.

The art museum in my city is running a special exhibit from the Louve. I am so excited because I asked FBG if he would take me and he will. I think we have been on about 8 dates. It is fun going slow.

I canceled a date last Friday because we had seen each other on Tuesday and Thursday of that week and I just felt that three times in one week was too much too fast. What do you guys think of that?

It ended up alright because I went with my BGF (best guy friend who know the one who owns my heart) to see the Nutcracker. I didn’t break the plans for him, and I had no intention of going out with him, so I think I am in the clear.

So sometimes you just have to give people a chance take, take things slow, and be honest.

I told the FBG how I thought he didn’t act very manly. He stands 6’7 and he would like squat down to kiss me. I said Honey, I am dating you because you are tall. Stand like the big strong man that you are. I need you to be “manly” and a little less timid.

I don’t know why it worked, but it worked. I don’t know I’m still battling my feelings for him because of the best friend, but I’m developing feelings and that is helping me move the best friend out of the soulmate position and into the best friend position. It is a slow process, but I feel it happening.

Now here is the advice I need before the end of the day. FBG and I got together on Tuesday and went out on Thursday. I mentioned that I wanted to see this art exhibit at the art museum yesterday and he said how about tonight. I initially said yes (kind of impressed with his ability to go to the art museum) but now I’m thinking three dates in one week is a little much. I think I should postpone this date to one day next week by telling him I have homework due (which is the truth, but I could get it done in time if I wanted to). What do you think? Is that a good course of action. Besides I think I would enjoy a night in. I went out every day this week.

So FBG is definitely a virgin. He confirmed it. I’m 26 and I’m not. What to do about this?

What the crap is wrong with me? Okay so I have went on one date with FBG, and today I get an email message that says I love you on the end of it!!!! I know right? I immediately email it to my two best friends who are flabbergasted. One wanted to do a background check and the other said write it off as a typo, so I ignore it. Deciding not to bring it up to him unless he says it to my face.

I love you is important to me. It means a lot. I’ve only said it to three men: one I went to jail for, one I almost married and one who still owns my heart, but prefers to be titled my best friend.

That being said I’m a little put off by someone who would use it after the first date even if he is kind of shy and a little dorky (both qualities I don’t really mind). So tonight he calls and asks if I want him to bring over a movie. I said I had made plans with my niece and nephew to take them to a haunted house, but invited him to come along. He agreed and it was a nice outing except he kept calling my five year old nephew champ, sport and little buddy, and never once stopped holding my hand—ever!!!

He told me he loved me twice tonight; asked me if I thought we would last because he did, thanked fate for bringing us together, and told me that he liked me from the moment he met me. WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS BEFORE HE ASKED ME OUT!

So here is the question. I am in the place where before all this happened I wasn’t absolutely sure I was into him, but I liked having someone who was into me, and I wanted to take things slow and see where it went.

I feel like all this lovey, mushy stuff has taken that away from me. What do I do?

Okay, so the Fall Ball Guy. From here on out to be referred to FBG came over last night and we watched the transformers.

It was nice so high school. We watched it in my room and we started out all distant, but slowly moved closer until we were holding hands. He has great hands, being 6’7” you can imagine how big his hands are and I think that is one of the most beautiful things on a man strong hands.

Then he kissed me goodnight and we hugged standing outside in the fall wind.

So I wrote about being asked out to a Halloween party. I guess we are going as Naruto and Hinata.

The problem is that I love someone else, who doesn’t love me, so I am working really hard to give this new guy a fighting chance!