Beat my depression

It all just feels so pointless sometimes.

Okay so I don’t really write posts on this topic, even though it’s my most important goal. I never feel like I can find the right words to properly explain how I’m feeling. But I think today is a real turning point for me. I don’t think I can go back to one hour counselling per week, not yet at least. Yes, it was helpful but I’d go there, come back home and that would be it. Things would go back to how they were until the next session.
Seeing my local CPN was like being thrown a lifeline. Not only was she really nice, but we’re actually progressing after two sessions. She mentioned something about trauma, which was affecting my mood and sleep. I’m guessing this has to do with problems at home and from the past. I’m being referred for CBT. I can’t blame the counsellor for not being able to help me in the way I wanted, I know they can’t actually give me advice. It’s just nice to finally be getting some answers.

Okay, so feeling loads better.
It was quite an emotional goodbye to counselling but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I wouldn’t say I’m quite there yet, but I’m going to do everything in my power to beat this thing. I don’t know if I’ll ever escape it completely, but if it’s enough to live my life again, it’s enough for me.

I’ve ordered two books off amazon that look promising. One is ‘The Art of Happiness’ by the Dalai Lama. I’m hoping it’ll help me combat some of my negative thinking, and for those times when I just need a mental boost.

The second is ‘Healing without Freud or Prozac’ by Dr. David Servan-Schreiber. The reviews were promising, but each to their own so I’ll have to see whether it helps me.

God bless everyone on this board. I wish you all the best in your road to recovery.

Okay, so this year has been eventful to say the least, in terms of completing this goal. I’ve been going to a counsellor and I’d say it’s been helping. It’s been almost a year since my first session and I haven’t really been going consistently, but I’ve been going which was enough for me.

My problem now is she’s leaving. She said we’ll have to bring our sessions to a close, and if I feel I need to talk to someone else, I can be referred to another counsellor. But, opening up was really emotional and really hard for me to do, and I’m not really keen on the idea of telling someone else about what’s happened.

So I’m in two minds. Do I go, finish the sessions, and if needed see someone completely new? It’ll take me weeks, maybe months, to completely tell them everything.

Or do I finish the sessions, pretend I’m okay, and just get on with it?

I made the doctors appointment.

Looking down my list of things to do, I’ve realised that most of them have been there for months, years even, and I believe it’s my depression (ack I don’t like saying that word, I don’t even know if that’s what it is yet) that’s holding me back from doing anything.

I’m literally going around in circles. I’ve lost interest in everything again and i’ve had about 2 days a week off from school, since february. Which is ridiculous. My grades are way down and I can’t bring myself to care. Yet I obviously do, otherwise I wouldn’t be complaining..?

I just think somethings changed and I don’t know who to turn to. I just hope doc doesn’t turn around and tell me to get over myself and stop being silly. Which is more and more likely the more I think about it. And that’s all I’m doing at the minute, thinking about things but doing nothing.

I want things to change. I don’t want to cry anymore. I want to be able to comunicate with people properly, not like the shy, naive, awkward idiot I am. I wish I wasn’t so paranoid, or fat, or repulsive. I can’t even step out of my door without having a panic attack anymore. I don’t want to lie anymore.

I do wonder if this is what my mom feels like.

Next Wednesday. God, I’m nervous.