Me and a friend had a long talk about my behavior some time ago. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and conclude that I perceive some social situations as an attack on my person, even though I’m well aware that it isn’t. I tried making a list of these situations and this is what I came up with:
- Social communities: I’m talking about communication methods like Facebook, Whatsapp, forums or whatever. The way I see it; these are displays of people, flaunting their rotten personalities to the outside world (I don’t need another map of your head). It makes me sick to my stomach. The sight of it insults me; like disgust being punched into my gut. But then I also feel socially deprived for not being in the center of attention, like they obviously are. I do not envy them, however.
- Self-Deprecating Humor: Unless I’m in a really bad mood, I typically don’t mind when people joke about my quirks. It happens pretty often. And while it’s amusing, I can’t resist the urge to make a comeback. If I fail to defend my honor, however,I feel a little humiliated. I laugh it off. But hiding my anger becomes increasingly harder when a genuine weakness is being triggered. I can only take so-many humiliations before I lose my joy and take offense.
- Sex and Love: The social types love to bring up these topics for some reason. They’re my biggest weakness. Everyone who’s not a total lowlife thinks of these subjects as a goal or meaning in life, and their search for chemistry has made for many interesting stories. But I have nothing to fuel their high expectations! It reminds me that I have achieved nothing. How is that not offensive?
Corrections: My mother used to say I couldn’t deal with criticism, and so I decided to take people’s opinions seriously. This open mindset led me to embark on a journey of self-doubt, turning me into a perfectionist. I criticized my own work constantly, so as to impress others. This is how I got very skilled at pinpointing the slightest of flaws, and why they occur. Unfortunately, this eye for detail turned me into a skeptic. Typically, I often feel like the advice I receive is predictable. In fact, when people try to explain me the basics, I get a little offended. Who’s to say that I’m right though? The Johari window does have a blind spot, after all!
- Underestimation: I typically don’t like it when people try to teach me something I am already familiar with. Neither do I like it when people make assumptions about what I’m physically capable of. Some people like to underestimate me, and I would love to prove them wrong but I won’t even try, for that would mean I underestimate them and possibly make a fool out of myself! Oftentimes I am way more capable than I realize, but I’m too humble to acknowledge it.
- Other People’s Pet peeves: Some types of people get annoyed very easily, and I can’t stand it when they point it out. They’ll restrict you from doing anything to the point where it becomes offensive! Eventually they’ll have you carry around a rulebook with things you may not do: You can’t tap your fingers on the tabletop, talk during a movie, do a silly voice, have a sense of humor, be in a bad mood or have an opinion of your own. The list goes on and on.
I’m starting to think it’s not regular shame I feel in awkward social situations; but predetermined humiliation. This means I feel shame ahead of the situation, and it gets in the way of my confidence.
I think a penpal might be usefull. Haha, what a weird thing to say, but yes! A penpal. They’ll tell you about their live, and listen to the stories you have to tell. There used to be someone like that in my life. I remember how we once met on the internet. The threads she made about her life were ignored by most people, but to me they were so interesting… We became friends and eventually she’d write these stories about her life directly to me. Next thing I found myself writing back to her about my own life. Sadly I lost all contact with her, it’s my own fault, but that’s beside the point.
Looking at my life now, there’s not much I want to talk about. It’s mundane, yet unusual. I keep degrading myself as there’s not much I’m proud of. It’s the reason I stopped writing to the girl. I used to be full of talk, but once I woke to reality, I became very ashamed of myself. Ignorance is so much bliss… Ever since then I felt a huge urge to impress everyone, which is a burden. That’s how I’ve become the silent type. You’ll find me joking around when I’m with people. I’m trying hard to leave a good impression on the people I meet.
If I start writing about my life to some total stranger, I might get to feel a lot better about my life. I might talk about things I would never talk about with others, and maybe even throw my weaknesses out there, along with my jumbled thoughts… See what comes of it? Or… Maybe not. I must have been too blind to see that 43 things has been my loyal penpal all this time. Man, that’s making me feel lonely. What a depressing entry…
So I guess what is bothering me is college is starting soon, and I still haven’t got anything I want to do! It makes me feel empty, ambitionless, uninteresting and weak. What’s my excuse? Got none. Just don’t wanna. Then why would I feel horrible? I shouldn’t! People keep telling me I should do something with my talents. Well, I am. They’re hobby projects though, never anything official. These compliments have a bitter aftertaste. They make me feel empty. How fun is life when youre hobbies are a burden? As for a girlfriend, don’t have one. Got the looks, don’t have the charisma. I’ve got a feeling that is one thing I can change. Maybe sooner than I think!
I’m starting to lack a little bit of confidence lately. I decided not to hang out with a girl who obviously likes me. I like her back, but I’m indecisive about it. Then there’s my jobcoach who reminded me of our contract: I need to get a payed job by the end of this year. Should be no problem, but I like doing community service. It makes me feel appreciated. Right now I feel like this secure position is being taken away from me. Still I’m glad I won’t have to quit instantly, and if a payed job won’t work out, I can always come back.
Just when I was glad to have survived my birthday, things get worse. I noticed it has become harder to get out of bed these days, and I get impatient and frustrated with life. Something has changed in the way I feel about myself, and I think I know what it is: Arrogance. I’ve allowed myself to be trampled in February. Most of the damage was caused by my own thoughts, but I’ve also allowed some other guy to snatch the girl away from me. More than balls; I need a reason to be with her. It was rational thinking that made me give her away, so I feel good about it. But it still sucks. I’m better than him.
Ha, that’s the spirit!
It’s been a while since I’ve last felt my confidence peak. I was actually quite depressed until I was accepted in my friend’s band. Then a few weeks later we were performing at a neighbourhood party. It didn’t even go flawless, but I felt great! It didn’t take long for the band to kick me out though, and eventually I lost that feeling of “belonging” somewhere, “Feeling at home.” That stuff. After that I gradually started to fall back into a depressed state again.
I feel it’s about time I polish up my ego and make it shine again, just like when I got into the band. Something’s quite off this time though… I feel like I can’t make it without the help of others. Many people would tell me that’s not a bad thing, but they’re wrong. It is a wrong approach. Of course you stand stronger together, but it shouldn’t make you feel weak to be alone either!
According to my best friend; it was all me.
In fact, everything I have ever done was all me. And I shouldn’t credit other people so much for their support, when in fact, it was all my doing. Arrogance is the key here.