be proud of myself

I never quite understood why some people scare me off. It happened again some days ago, and I figured I got offended over nothing. These people merely criticized my interests! I started thinking about this, but I couldn’t figure out how this could offend me, and figured I felt “judged” by these people. They’d judge me to be “boring”, or whatever…
“Whatever”, I’d always say that.
“What if they judge me? Let them, I don’t care!”
But if I really don’t care, then why does it still scare me?

In the past few days I came across this old entry of mine; a breeze of fresh air! I finally realized I’m not proud of my interests, and have come to hide my opinions.

Let me explain that. When meeting me in person, I won’t say a whole lot. To strangers, my opinions are unrealistic, and my hobbies are a waste of time. I won’t tell anything unless asked (or drunk), but too much attention is likely to overwhelm me. If people just leave me alone, I get to observe their behavior. Occasionally you’ll find me making a few jokes, which is the first step I take in engaging conversation. It takes a long time for people to earn my trust, and I’ve wondered “why” for a long time now…

This is why.
Now I’m going to change it.

Yesterday I was at community service when I decided to ask some colleagues of mine for some clarification on their psychotic experiences. I’ve often heard them mention it and it peaked my curiosity. Their first answer was drugs, but that answer did not satisfy me.

So drugs make a person prone to a psychosis, but what does that person go through? How would one go about describing the experience of a psychosis? Apparently it’s possible this may happen through a series of unfortunate(or fortunate) events: A loved one dies, someone broke in and stole something valuable, and on top of that you’re being sued for something awful. Is someone out to get you? The opposite may cause megalomania, when only good things happen.

Psychosis. It’s merely a different perception of reality.

But let’s get philosophical. “What is reality?” Reality is a perception of what’s possible and what is not. Everyone’s perception of these possibilities are different. With that in mind, what could really be so wrong about psychosis? Nobody had to answer that question for me. I already knew. When I was 16 I went through a similar experience. It was only now that I realized I was psychotic at the time.

When in a psychosis, one’s perception of reality is so outrageous that it may become a threat towards society. Let’s say you’re convinced someone is out to kill you. In your mind it’s either you or him. This may mean you’ll go through the length of purchasing a handgun, intended for self-defense. But the next time the two of you meet, you end up killing an innocent man. Society will label you a killer, but you justify your means. It is really quite sad. Anders Behring Breivik is a good example. I’m happy to announce that my personal psychosis had nothing to do with such bloodshed.

I was quite rebellious towards society. I would say I was a little megalomanic, and a faithful, but openminded believer of mixed religions with a few additions of my own. I was far from a well-functioning member of society, but it must have been the best time of my life. That’s when I got a wake-up call. And suddenly there was no meaning to my existence. I was deeply ashamed of myself. Next thing I knew I had an identity crisis, and I started looking for myself. Started looking for my place in society. And tried to view the world through the eyes of an atheist. That must have been nearly 5 years ago by now. I’m proud of how much I managed to change, but alas, I am not yet satisfied.

I’m still ashamed about this.

I’ll start off by continueing from where I left: my last entry, otherwise known as “the best night of my life”. I went out with a couple of my friends today on this generic Monday night, and I wasn’t feeling at my best. While I didn’t explain about this “best night ever”, I simply told them I felt like shit because I had an amazing time going out, and didn’t feel like I could have a night out quite as amazing as that. Yeah, it’s a silly thing to say. I said that, and they thought so too.

Later on, I ended up confessing I’m still a virgin. The discussion carried on with the girl in our group being surprised by that. Me replying to it, that I have confidence in my physical appearance, just not my personality(as I’m an authist). She ended up proposing that I could have her take care of that, but I never said yes. I agreed with her up to the point where she said that sexual issues are hard to deal with until you’ve finally lost your virginity. It’s true. I just don’t feel easy about doing that with someone I’m not into. She fits the description(They also mentioned that every new person is like having sex for the first time, so in that sense everyone’s a virgin).

So now that I’ve overcome about the biggest hurdle in our group of friends, I’m seriously considering to do the same thing with my other friendsgroup. That being the group of people I’ve gone out with last week. I’m not entirely sure whether I’ve changed my mind when the weekend strikes, but we’ll see. It would probably change my life, so I don’t know… But if I’m ready for that, let’s do it! (It’s only the guys who care about virginity anyway, girls generally don’t think less of you, so fuck those guys)

One of my other worries was the alcohol that was involved one weekend ago. Seemed like it was the only possible way to put my worries aside… As it seems was tonight… Then again I feel good about expressing my sexual frustrations.

Wow! This was the most amazing night ever.

Before the new year still, I was invited to a belated birthday party of an old friend of mine. At the time, I met a few other old friends, and one of them told me about a Drum&Bass/Dubstep event on the 16th of January(15th when I looked it up). I was sure to write it down in my agenda. Today I went there, and it was amazing. I was actually pretty nervous when I was still at home. But on my way there, I told myself that I would do something that would change the way I think about myself. And it did.

So at first I was there, waiting for my friends to show up. When they did, we went inside and had a good time. Eventually more familiar faces showed up. Including a girl who had some obvious interest in me before. It didn’t take long before I got to dance with her. I also had a chance to move my feet with my friend’s girlfriend, while her little sister was dancing at the side. Quite cool to have this one guy stare at me for dancing with 2 girls. That made me feel rather awesome. As time crossed us by, all of a sudden my friends had disappeared. WTF?

So I went up to a girl I had seen a friend of mine talk to, and asked her if she had seen him. She told me she didn’t know, but I took this chance to dance with her a little. During our dance she told me how she had danced at a party bigger than this, illegal and including drugs. Though I’ve been wanting to dance with her since the beginning of the night, this was a turnoff. I soon found a chance to go home, and did. On my way to the exit, I saw one of the guys. I asked him where everyone went to, and he said they left. That’s when I went home.

It felt like my life had changed, as I rode back. For the first time in my life, I danced with 3 girls on one eve. And so, for the first time in my life, the obnoxious drunk fella riding in front of me was my comrade. I guess we shared the same joy. Now that I’m home, I guess I can say this was the best night of my life. I totally made up for the bad aftertaste from that new year’s party! I fucking loved it!

(It’s funny how easy I seem to forget achievements that really matter, so I’d like to take this opportunity to add some details. I shaved before going to the party, it might have had some influence. I was still in the middle of getting my hair cut though. On my way there, I told myself I still had plenty to learn, and it made me feel stronger to know that I’d learn something new that night. I met a guy who works in the local concession stand, and who’s been in my class ages ago. I also met a friend of my causins who’s serving the army, and an old neighbour friend. Someone spilled a mixdrink on the right sleeve/shoulder of the denim vest I was wearing. It smelled rather sweet, familiar, probably redbull… It makes these memmories all the more vivid! When I walked up to the girl to ask her a question, I thought I could smell she had eaten garlic, but I didn’t mind it much. Her appearance vagualy reminded me of Arielle Kebbel. I came home at about 2:15, so I think I left at about 2:00. I felt as if I was equal to everyone else out there, unlike that time with the new year. The music was downright awesome aswel.)

It’s been a little longer than a week since I first turned on my computer again after a month of absense. Throughout every day, I have been making notes of both positive and negative changes I’ve experienced. Enough time has passed for me to conclude the following: This month has not changed the way I live. On the bright side, I’m percieving the reasons for my frustrations a lot better.

As I said in my last entry. I’ve come to realize it’s actually the productive time spent on my computer that feels like it has all gone to waste. I’ve been using my music and animation skills to amaze people, and distract them from my hopeless lifestyle. The question here is not what drives me to entertain these people, but why doing so makes me feel so damn unapreciated. Answer being; I don’t do it for me.

Simply put: I work my butt off only so that other people will envy me, and I can feel a little better about myself. But no matter the reactions, it never satisfies me. The amount of satisfaction is hardly even worth all the stress! Come to think of it, it doesn’t happen with music and animation alone. It happens with everything… I used to think I never had a goal, but I suddenly realize it’s far worse than that. THIS little parasite right here has been my goal in life for years now…

To avoid feeling any more humiliated by my own lifestyle, I decided to take me up on my own offer and stopped using my computer for a month and a few extra days. As I wrote back in June, I was using my computer to escape reality and didn’t feel proud because of it. I even mentioned that being productive on my computer sedates the awareness of how much reality sucks. Ultimately, I made it my goal to break this force of habit.

Previously, I spent time on my computer aimed at either productivity or entertainment. Sadly, I was wrong to expect so much from both of these things. In my month of absense, I found new ways to keep myself entertained. Gaming mostly, but I’ve been underestimating tv aswel. Honestly, when I was finally able to log in on my computer, the amount of entertainment was pretty disapointing.

Thus, I’ve been aiming to dig myself a new grave. It is only now, that I realize I haven’t been wasting my time with entertainment: It is the productive time that feels like it has gone to waste. I’ve wasted hours making songs and movies, deluding myself into thinking that they would be great achievements, but they’re not. The only reason I’ve been working so hard on these projects, is so that I can distract people from the pitiful life I’m living.

Of course I still missed my two biggest hobbies during that month: Music and animations. But with the stress it tends to give me these days, I am now wondering why I love these hobbies so much. Maybe I should spend another month avoiding these forms of creativity, see what happens this time?

Just now my sister barged in while I was working hard on overcoming some flaws in the final mix of a song I happen to be working on. Of course she came in to tell me that I was being too loud, or that it sound anoying, and she was trying to sleep. I didn’t even listen her out, really. The moment she came in, I knew what she was going to say, and I was right.

Whenever she comes in to tell me this, I get defensive. It makes me feel so offended and powerless, as I can’t just tell her to shut up and go to sleep(although I say simular things). I cussed at her and with slight regret I uttered the words “There’s nothing else for me to do.”I closed the door behind me and heard the muffled sound of her agitated voice rediculing me on the other side. Sitting back in my chair after having calmed down a little, I turned down the sound and thought of what I had just said.

“There isn’t anything else for me to do.”
Suddenly I realized my view on life still had not changed. I still think life stinks, and I still feel like work is meant to satisfy someone else’s wealth. Being productive on my computer sedates the awareness of how much reality sucks, and makes me feel proud every once in a while. But I have no right to be so loud at this time of the night. Tomorrow my sister’s going to get up early. She’ll go to college, work, whatever it is she needs to be doing. And I’ll be sitting here at home.

So even though I have many hobbies that involve a computer, it is also my way to escape reality, which is something I’m not proud of. Maybe I should move to a new goal and see what it’s going to end up like. Not using my computer for an entire month sounds about right. I need to force myself into a different direction.

Last entry I wrote for this goal sucked the life from me, draining me to a point where I just didn’t feel like paying attention to my goals for a while. But I didn’t stop and decided to focus writing an entry for a different goal. That helped me view my situation on this goal with a little more understanding. Especially Strobefire’s comment helped me get a long way.

I’d like to point out that I’m as “selfless” as I can possibly be. That is to say, I’m polite and barely ever say no to people. Usually it’s not an act of genuine compassion, thus not such a good idea afteral. So I could say no, but it’s not like I’ve got anything better to do. So why not do it? I’m seeking acceptance afteral, and I want to feel usefull aswel.

If helping people with any requests was to be my work, I’d be paid with a simple “thanks.” No money. But it really doesn’t bother me at all; at work you don’t even get to be thanked most of the time. This just comes to show what drives me to exist. I’d pay money just to feel appreciated.

I don’t hang out with other people alot because of how useless it makes me feel. My pride’s been depending a lot on the reactions of other people. If they’re not impressed, then I can’t be satisfied about what I’ve achieved. But who knows, I’m probably just trying to please the wrong crowd.

Each time I’m extremely proud of myself and can not contain my happiness, I take a picture of that very expression and save it in a folder somewhere on my computer. Why? Because pride doesn’t last for very long. Or is that just me?

Why would someone want to be proud of themselves anyway? If you love yourself, shouldn’t that be enough? Apparently not for me. But then again, I may be doing it for all the wrong reasons. By impressing other people, I feel accepted, if only for a short while. So with this wrong kind of motivation, I set my goals high. And if it impresses nobody, I’ll have to set my goals even higher. But it never achieved me anything, really. So in return I get nothing.

The only reason I would want to work, is so I can show others that I’m not lazy, and so I can feel accepted about it. The only reason I would want a girlfriend, is so I can show others that I’m sexually active. The only reason I would want to move out of the house, is so I can show others how independant I am. And so on, and so on. But what about me? Do I want to work? Do I want a girlfriend? Do I want to move out of the house? No.

I feel like I’m living to please other people. Work’s not for me, it’s for my boss. A girlfriend needs my attention, which would be a burden for me. And moving out of the house would mean I start becoming an independant member of society. None of it is for me. There is no place for me in this world. I can hardly enjoy life anymore.

So there you have it: I am demotivated, because I feel like in the end there will be nothing to be proud of.