Ignore selfpitty, always think high of myself

• Realize Which Of My ‘Goals’ Are Actually ‘Dreams’
• Evaluate My Oldest Goals

But apparently I didn’t give up on anything worth noting, so I looked elsewhere. It was then I figured perhaps this is about the things I couldn’t grasp at the age of 16. I had such high expectations of my future self, but never quite realized they require a lot of effort to achieve. I was convinced that my life would naturally undergo big changes in the course of mere years, never realizing that these goals had to be worked towards. And nowadays, sometimes I take a look at my life, wondering whether my 16-year-old self would be displeased.

I think so.

Quick entry here. I’ve been feeling a little under the weather since last week. One of the interns at community service asked me whether I was going to college. This in turn led to “Why not?”, etcetera. All of this reminds me of what I’m “supposed” to be doing with my life right now. Anyway, it feels a lot better now I’ve got that off my mind.

Friday wasn’t such a good day for me. Since last week or so, a new woman drops by at work every now and then. Apparently she is severely depressed. This in turn led to a meeting with us discussing the subject of depression. And so it occurred that she told us about herself. She once had a psychosis, which was heaven compared to reality. This in turn made her feel apathetic and powerless. She felt like she didn’t belong here. It reminded me of my past self. I think the gloomy atmosphere followed me for the rest of the day.

So then I went to that place with autistic people, and I had to sign this document with some support plan. It was missing some information about my life situation, so I informed the management about it. I decided to take the document home with me, so I could look at it in detail and point out possible other flaws. The documents contained a profile of my personality, as observed by 3 different people from the management. I was shocked by the details! More shocked than I should have been, anyway. They really threw me off!

These observations were pretty well done, and somewhat flattering at first. But as I continued to read, they spoke of my flaws . Flaws I hadn’t seen! The blind spot of my Johari window, so to speak. And according to them I have a rigid personality, lack in fine motor skills, posture, and don’t protect my boundaries well enough. I’m pretty sure I made sufficient amounts of progress on all of these points! These might be misconceptions, or they might have confused me with someone else. I’m pretty sure I have excellent posture and motor skills, and sure – Tolerance is the reason I don’t always protect my boundaries! But me being rigid? I have no clue!

I agree with most other points. I tend to get anxious and confused sometimes, and I don’t like talking about myself. I only express my emotions when someone asks about them, and don’t take much initiative. Initiative should really be the keyword here!

The sheets are full of notes and markings now. I have a lot to discuss. That is how it’s going to be.

A few days ago I tried a new hairdresser, and they cut it way too short for my liking. Although, I must confess that it might have been a positive turn of events! Looking at myself in the mirror, I saw a side to myself that I haven’t been able to see for about 9 years.

Before my 14th, I always had really short hair. Eventually I noticed it looked pretty good once it had gotten too long, so then I decided to grow it out. Nine years passed since then. I’ve grown both mentally and physically, and yet, all this time I’ve been hiding something from myself underneath this hair. Certain facial features.

But to me, these aren’t just some normal facial features. They are features I’ve seen in the mirror up until I was 14. They’re memories! A link to my childhood. An old and forgotten personality. The physical appearance of someone I didn’t even know still existed! But most of all, it’s a part of me I’ve been trying to forget. These are features of naivety. It’s a part of me I have been fighting against. It’s the face of autism, if you will.

But I guess it’s a good thing. All of this reminds me of who I used to be. It’s pretty reassuring to see it never left me. Also, the fact that I have autism seems more believable now, for some reason.

Valentinesday didn’t work out the way I hoped, and I kind of stopped writing here for a while after that. In the meanwhile I’ve been busy plotting the booktrailer animation thing and my birthday has come to pass. I found a pretty personal and embarrassing file on my dad’s computer some days before that. It dates back from 2009, and my sister has been using the computer a lot since then. I bet she’s been reading it… For some reason I’ve been dealing with a lot of meaningless social guilt since the weekend. I’ve been pretty mischievous, so that must be the reason.

I’ve come to realize something during this short break from 43Things. Being on this website everyday, makes my life feel structured, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but my life in these past two weeks seemed more breezy. It kind of “flowed” in cool directions.

No reason to feel bad about myself, happy thoughts now.

Here’s me pitying myself again. January’s come to an end, and it’s about time I stop being so depressing! I’m completely embarrassing myself by forgetting my bankpass after checking out at the grocery store, again and again. I feel like a complete dopey these days. And even if I am, I don’t do myself a favor by caring what people would think of me. I think I’m done spiraling down for the moment.

Also, there’s a new girl at my workplace. It’s funny, she reminds me a lot of Sam Sparks from Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs. She even has the same glasses! Ever since I met her, I actually started to feel a bit better about my life. I guess I like her, and I think she might like me too. But again, like every pretty girl I meet, she’s not available. And even if she was, it wouldn’t change a thing.

Socializing doesn’t come natural for me, and so whenever I do; it becomes a study. I don’t always learn something new, but this time I have come to realize something pretty important. Mainly: The gradual steps on the ladder of socializing.

This pretty much speaks for itself. First we’re strangers, then we get acquainted and somehow we become friends afterwards.

It takes but a small conversation to become acquainted with someone. I still consider most of the people I know to be mere acquaintances. But once acquainted, it’s the moments spent together that evaluate it into a genuine friendship. The sharing of moments, and the building of trust is what turns them into genuine friends! I have always assumed these things come naturally, but they don’t.

From what I’ve noticed, being a genuine friend takes assertiveness and initiative from your part. You’ve got to make a lasting impression, sometimes even make a sacrifice! You’ve got to be honest, show actual interest, and make an effort to proof that you really are indeed; a friend, rather than an acquaintance. And as Nietzsche once said so beautifully:
“What doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.”
This too applies to a real friendship. It’s somewhat like unconditional love, I guess.

I think the same “friendship rules” apply when a boy and girl are acquainted, and work towards a relationship. But that begs the question: In contrast to relationships, why does genuine friendship seemingly form itself naturally, despite of all the effort used to build it up?

Ever since the new year, I don’t sleep very well. I can tell there’s things on my mind, but I’m not sure what. Possibly it’s obsessive compulsive behavour, as I promised someone to make a wikipedia about her brother’s radio pirating carreer. He passed away in the 90’s and everyone seems to have completely forgotten about him! I’m scraping pieces of information together about him on the internet, but it’s not sufficient.

If that’s not it, than I don’t know what else it could be! I feel like I just want to lose everything, like everything is a burden. I’m sure I don’t mean this, but that’s how I happen to feel right now. I feel itchy when I see the things I possess, and I can’t seem to find peace. My brain just won’t relax. It feels pretty terrible. Maybe it’s because there hasn’t been any structure in my life lately, or maybe I just feel disorganized in general? Either way, alcohol seems to neutralize this feeling and that kind of worries me.

One thing I’ve known about my sister is her stubborn and manipulative personality, but tonight my father told me a story that made me discover a different side to her, and it made me feel horrible about myself. Not because I was wrong about her – I was not, and would be willing to admit my mistakes anyway. But in self-reflection, she probably reflects every single thing I don’t like about myself! Like how she is probably much braver than I am…

Oh, but much more than just bravery it seems. Within the story she protected a girlfriend from getting her bike stolen by a couple of guys, and took revenge as they tried to take off with her own. I – on the other hand, always try to stay away from trouble, and feel like the city would swallow me whole. Her act of justice, boldness, assertiveness, persistence, vengeance, aggression and relentlessness kind of leaves me in the dust. She clearly does not give a fuck.

Other guys who’ve seen Pipi Longstockings or the Powerpuff Girls at young age, probably know how I feel right now. We compare ourselves to those girls whose physical strength cannot be bested. And this of course results in us feeling un-masculine, until we later realize these girls are merely fictional. But suppose they are not? Surely, society has reached a stage where women can be masculine, so isn’t masculinity just an old-fashioned concept that used to separate the girls from the boys? I’m afraid that could never happen…

People fight to achieve what they want, and to protect what they already have. I feel like masculinity is all about authority, so when they say it’s a men’s world, I wholeheartedly agree. And while the economic world seems to have drawn a clear perspective of how much thinner the lines between men and women have become, our social lives tell a very different story. I’m actually convinced that it is male instinct to follow this so-called “path to happiness.” Not only is it considered empowering to stand above another, it is considered “masculine.” And when a man feels masculine, he can do pretty much anything! But when a guy feels weak, and suspects that his little sister has a chance of beating him up, well… There’s nothing sexy about that.

But really, I deserve a lot more credit than that. There’s a lot of potential masculinity I am not even using! Like when some guy managed to intimidate me with his stories and attitude, long ago. Then one day, we ended up in a friendly game of sparring, and he proofed to be an incredible pushover. It was all just mindgames! So, what about my sister? Well, she’s a tough cookie but I’m sure that I can handle her physically. Authority is not my thing, but I wonder what other ways I could use to feel manlier?

Yesterday I went to bed and couldn’t get to sleep at all! Throughout my day, I hadn’t noticed there were things on my mind that need to be dealt with, but apparently there were. And so I started thinking of what these things might be. It appears I feel insecure. There’s things about my appearance that need changing, but I’m not good at it.

I suppose having a haircut would be easy, but I’m really having trouble with clothes. Truth is, I really don’t like to go shopping. The moment I walk into a store, I feel like I got lost on my way home. It’s as if the people there speak a strange language, and they can see that I’m not from around there. I really feel like I don’t belong! But I can’t walk around in what I currently own forever… I should really get myself some new trousers, a pair of new shoes, and maybe some other new clothes. I really don’t go shopping very often, so I might as well go all out.

Besides, there’s so many shops, so many brands! Where should I go? What should I wear? What’s considered cheap, and what would be expensive? What brand is totally me? And what brands are taboo? Hell, sometimes I can’t even tell what clothes are meant to be for men or for women! And then there’s this chance of meeting vague acquaintances who happen to work in said shops! It happened to me before, and I hated it! It’s awkward enough as it is. I just want to be left alone!

To my surprise, it happens that I still am a bit perfectionistic. I’ve never seen it up ‘till now, and I think I know how it all happened: Notepad. I’m using it right now to write this very block of text. It allows me to oversee my work, and fix any mistakes I make. A simple text like this might take me hours to write, and could still contain errors. This is fine on 43Things, as it allows me to edit my entries. And I forgot what it’s like when mistakes are permanent. You see, some other sites don’t allow you to edit your posts, and that really eats at me.

I barely ever start new threads on forums either. To me, it’s like getting on stage. I don’t have stagefright, but I don’t want to fuck it up either! Then again, I’m not sure why. Being literate, just to satisfy other users seems way pointless. But on the other hand, it’s a good defense against douchebags. So whenever I slip up, I worry about the vicious judgment of other people. I should really let it go, but it’s not something I can unwind, and that’s why I’m so careful.
But it’s never enough.