learn to love myself

So I decided to remove this goal.

Just visited this site and read my last entree. Then I read some entries by others here and most people are doing much better.
I think I am too old to change.
Not that I don’t want others to improve, geez I don’t wish this on anyone ;) . I love that, but I wish I could change just a little bit and at least like myself.

I think I’d better give up. Don’t think I will ever manages to love myself.
I hate having to look at myself in the mirror so I avoid that.
But I do have to go to the dentist. I am so late. Have to call him and make an appointment

Last weekend I’d put on some make up. mascara and eye liner or whatever it is called :).
That day pictures were made and to my big surprise I did not look as horrible as usual. Even with glasses!!

So I am going to try and add a little makeup when I go out .

Nexzt step is go to the dentist. I want new teeth whahahahahaha
lmao

Although I feel I will never will be able to.
Forgiveness is one of the biggest issues.
I did get 2 tips and really appreciate those.

Well we have been working on that.

I also don’t like my looks and getting older is also an issue.
Not because I mind that so much but because my life wasn’t a ball to say the least, and now I am still dealing with so many issues. I am in a hurry.

I feel a bit better than last week though.

Now i am at least more aware of my behaviour, which is the first step to try to make it better.

I hate having such a low self esteem. Even in daily life, in shops and such and on the streets, I am always the one, who makes my self smaller, less than the others.I will always be the one that takes a step aside and worry about what they think of me.
That is why I don’t want to go outside anymore.
I know that that is the worst you can do.

One example. I used to be outside everyday, weeding the gardens of myself and my next door neighbour, an old lady.

This week I decided to give it a try, had not done it for almost a year.
I come outside and I see a neighbour from the next block.
He says hey Marlene how are you doing? I am walking up to him, but then he does not wait for my reply, but starts to whine about my hedge for crying out loud.
(He is always complaining that man)
When he said that I just walked away (but boy I was upset)
This was not the first time.
last time I went outside I decided to sweep and another neighbour asks me to sweep somewhere else because his dogs gets needles in his paws.! It is not even my duty to do that, but of course, Marlene immediately started to do what he asked.

I wonder why do people always feel they can treat me that way.
Afterwards I got very angry, first at myself but then at that guy.

It is my garden, and it is a hell of a job, he knows I have been sick. I was planning to do it, but now it is not going be the first thing to do on my list. ;)

Instead of only focusing on the bad things.

To make a list of why I am not worthy is so easy but now I am going to do a reverse and not look at all the negative things.

Good things of Marlene:

• I have a great sense of humour. I am able to make people laugh and that is one of my best assets.

• I care for people. I never want to hurt people intentionally.

• I always try to see both sides (sometimes this is not so good though)

• I love to help people. For instance learning them all about the computer. Then I do have a lot of patience, helping out makes me feel better about myself.

• I have the ability to talk with everyone. When I am doing my shopping I will not hesitate to talk with strangers. So I am not shy.

• I care for animals. Here I am saving little flies from a spiderweb. :-) (poor spider, I know but I think they kill so cruel) Picking up snails from the road so people will not step on them, save birds from cats.
  It does make my life more difficult though, especially in the summer.
  I know when a bird is in danger cause during the years I learned to recognise a lot of the bird sounds.

Come one everybody who like me don’t love yourself. Name the good things about yourself.

I did go out last Friday and I had the best night so far! lol

Decided to wear my sneakers, cause I feel more comfortable and that helped big time.
My friend was surprised how open I was that night.
Normally I hardly speak during such an night, cause the music is loud and nobody comes to chat me up, but this night I did dance and talk with some guys and had fun + at the end of the evening, we stayed till closing time, I was constantly cracking jokes and that is my strong point, so if felt like the real Marlene was coming out.

My coach also tells me, my strongest point is my humour and even when I am down, That is what brings me back cause I can always laugh about myself.

Funny story. Last year I received a phone call from my doctor and He gave me all bad news. I was in meno pause, that was such a shock. I started to get hysterical (blush). but the weird thign was, I knew immediately what I had to do.
I grabbed the phone and called Sylvia, my cousin and ebst friend. I cried in the phone. Huhhuhhuh, MOMMY I AM IN MENO PAUSE. and then we both started laughing so much, it was so funny.
Cause I could see the humour of my hysterical behaviour. (My coach was very proud of me, and I was proud of myself)
Thanks for reading this.xxx

The thing is, I do not want to disappoint my cousin. She is so looking forward to the Fridays.

I think I will give it one more try (It depends if my cousins car will be fixed on time today anyways)
She is recently divorced and never partied. We were always dreaming of going out together when we were 13,14.
When we were finally allowed she married and I left home to live in Amsterdam.

Still not sure. When I think of having to do all the preparations to look just a little bit decent, I am tired already.
Hmm maybe I should go with my glasses on, pair of jeans, hair not done and no make up. I will be just as invisable. :-)
sorry this sounds a bit depressed, but I do know if I keep feeling like this after the weekends I must protect myself and not go anymore.

Instead of getting used to lots of people and feeling more secure, it seems I am feeling more and more insecure.
Well It all depends on the car.

O what to wear.all those decisions
I just have a new haircut and they dyed my hair.
Now I have to blow dry it myself for the first time. Well if I want to go I need to start doing a laundry or 2. :-)

Lol I just discovered a very apopriate picture for this depressing entry.

Hmm I want to reply to Sambo’s respond but I can’t seem to.

Weird.

Yes I did try medications but the problem is, I am still using other medication and my coach wants me to be totally clean before he is able to treat me for the ADD, and , yes there is more, Generalized Anxiety disorder + they also think I am suffering from Avoidance disorder.
Because the tests were inconclusive I need to go to the hospital to do a brain scan. To be sure there is no brain damage.

I am still like a 15 year old teenager in a body of a 44 year old.

Right now I am using other medications, I started with 16 mg , and now I am on 4.5 mg. (I managed to go from 6 mg to 4.5 this week. If I manage to stop with these they can treat me. I did use ritalin and concerta, but it did not really help.
So because of the inconclusive test, it also could be brain damage . If that is the case there is no treatment.

I have made my life very secure, very safe, did not go out, just stayed at home.
Now at least I have been going out on Fridays.
The thing is, It doesn’t not help my insecurity cause my friend gets lots of attention and I hardly get any. So Every Saturday I think, why? O I am so ugly. I try not let it bother me, all the men are hitting on her, and there I am dancing on my own all the time. :-)

I think it is better not to go out anymore. it makes me even more insecure.
I lost a lot of weigh so I feel better about my body but my face is so ugly . lol. Monster from Frankenstein

I asked my cousin to make pictures on the night I had make up on and nice clothes but those were also ugly. My cousin also thought they were no good. That just makes me feel more insecure.