kiss a girl

I kissed a girl… Yes.. But hmm. It wasn’t great. She wasn’t a very good kisser and maybe it makes a difference that she’s straight. She just wanted to try it out – and me too. Oh well – I did it:)

The girl happens to be straight! Well that’s sorted out. We had a crazy philosophy meeting with the four of us and we were in such a crazy mood we ended up talking about nothing but evil apples, scary toasters, gayness and the archaic meaning of knowledge. (and it was sorted out that 2 of us were straight, 1 gay and 1 bisexual (me) – and she belonged to the straight-party. Hehe – I think it’s quite funny actually

Kissing girls, being with girls.. It just keeps going through my head. I need to know more about my sexuality and I can’t get answers without experiences. I keep seeing books – in libraries and bookshops – just by accident – about lesbian relationships etc.
It’s everywhere. I told more of my friends about it, but my family doesn’t know. They don’t need to as long as I don’t have a relationship with a girl yet.
If I’d only met a lovely girl that liked me too (and stopped being shy)..

Still, I’m thinking about this girl – I mean.. I even got her to ask me on vacation with her! (with just talking to her)
Where did it go wrong?
How stupid of me..

I think I’m going to give it up – not the kissing a girl thing of course… but her. It just turned out to be disappointing. I passed her on my way to school and she smiled to me – but that was it. She wasn’t there at the charitymeeting, which really annoyed me. In fact No-one was there. I knew we were dying when I came in the board but I didn’t expect it to be this bad.. I mean.. hello.. new board = new style etc.. Nobody mailed that they would not come, and yet nobody came. I sent her a mail if she was still interested in charityco – she sent me a mail that that would depend on what our plans were and that we should have send a reminder that there was a meeting. We indeed forgot. She said she was sorry but the mail was not really friendly.
I don’t like it really – but I still have those questions. I should just erase them from my mind somehow. The good thing is that I just finished my exams. Just the ball and getting grades back. I dislike balls, now even more because I’ll probably see her there.

So I guess the ‘kissing-a-girl’ thing will be something not happening in the near future since I do not know any other girls that are both kissable and not arrogant and just nice and that I’m not too shy with. (And that want to kiss me)

Ohh crap! I messed things up. It must have to do with the boring sinterklaas and the bad presentation I gave last week (which she both attended)
And we discussed nearly everything via mail. I kept asking questions to keep the conversation going – and I still had some left – but the ‘spirit’ or the ‘lively’ conversation slowed down. I knew it would die some day – but I hoped that it wouldn’t be so soon.
Answers became shorter and shorter. I started to doubt if she still wanted to talk anyway. In the end she didn’t ask me anything anymore and I didn’t want to start talking about myself out of nothing. The last mail she didn’t even reply – it was about poems, if she ever read poetry (answered by ‘sometimes, if I feel like to’) and then I asked her if she didn’t like poetry on houses – just seeing it when walking around…
Not answered…
I feel so stupid:(
(and hope she doesn’t know I’m on here)
I was going to the office of someone in my university last Friday, because I was asked to bring this person a pile of paper (I usually don’t come there) and while I was passing by some classrooms I looked automatically in them – through the small windows next to the doors – and I looked her right in the eye. She was sitting with her back to me, but had turned a bit. She was sitting right behind the glass window then. It was scary. I don’t know what she thinks of me. When I came back from the office her best lesbian friend was standing there. I don’t know if that friend knows all about my emailing (I think she does because they probably know everything about each other – but I of course hope not + that friend is also in the philosophy comm. and in the theatre comm.)I was glad this friend was talking to someone – so I could pass without her really noticing me.
My only chance to talk to her again is during the charity committee. I’m the secretary now and we arranged a meeting with our members next Tuesday. She is a member and didn’t send a mail that she would not come – but we have problems with our members so it wouldn’t be weird if she didn’t show up. I just hope she does (she however send me a mail in the beginning of our mail conversation that she would always be ready to help with charityco) But yeah – maybe I don’t have the opportunity to talk then. The stupid thing is that I keep getting up with new questions – which I truly want and answer on (not just because I want to talk)

Ok… So we had this ‘gathering’ in my house because of ‘sinterklaas’ (Dutch). My housemate wasn’t there and I’m bad with people. Only the stupid ones came and I didn’t know what to say to them. I didn’t feel like saying anything to them, so I didn’t. Me and my good friend were sitting there – talking with the few nice people. It was sooo boring. Then they started with the presents and everything wanted like to unwrap theirs and go home immediatly (which they did).

I hated it, never do it in my house again – and she was there.. How stupid I must have looked – she talking to everybody…
In the end – when everybody was leaving and I was closing the door behind the last one, she still stood there and smiled and me – we smiled at each other – and off she went…

Now I feel like crap and need a shower

Not knowing what exactly you want is so confusing. I know I am bisexual but do not know to what extent. I never kissed a girl. I never had a relationship with a girl. I even never really fell in love with a girl. The possibility of having a relationship with someone of the same sex always has occurred to me as natural as the opposite-sex relationships. In the past months/years (?) however I do feel the need to have more questions solved concerning my sexuality. I feel I cannot continue with to have relationships men if I don’t know how exactly relationships with women are. I feel the need to have one, or -for a start, to kiss someone of the same sex; hence my need to kiss a girl. This may seem simple, but for me it is not. I’m extremely shy (maybe I should work on that first) and I don’t like people knowing I’m bisexual. I don’t feel the need to show everyone who I am and I don’t want people to judge me on my sexuality. (This also has to do with me being extremely insecure). I’m kind of stuck. I don’t seem to meet the right people – girls – to kiss. I don’t want to just kiss someone-doesn’t-matter-who on some kind of party where everyone is drunk. Especially not if the other girl is straight and just want to do something ‘fun’ for a change. I don’t kiss people easily I guess. I’m too shy. The only people I kissed were people I got a relationship with. It might be possible that I like women far better than men – but I cannot say so for sure. It’s all very confusing.
Now I’m in college things can become possibly somewhat easier. I study at a very very small university college with only 360 people. Of those 360 people around 50/60 people are on exchange at the moment. From the 300 left I know already 7 people that are bisexual or lesbian. (I just happen to know those people – so there probably are a lot more bi/lesbians people here). However, about 1 of them I am not 100% sure. The others provided solid evidence but she did not. I never saw her kiss a girl, or heard that she had a relationship with a girl, or heard her say she was bisexual/lesbian. However, 4 of the other 6 people are befriended with her (is that evidence?) and she walks in quite a manly way. That’s what I know. I guess many people guess she is lesbian, but I want to be sure about it – since I developed a liking for her—which brings me to the next paragraph in this entry.
I have an interest in this girl – as I told you. I don’t know if it is because she might be bi/lesbian or because she is really interesting. She is incredibly smart – already graduated from high school at age 16 and accepted at several universities throughout Europe – but she found Freedom more important and went travelling through India for a several months. Then she came here… (Also an international university). She is a very open person and has many friends. We talked about twice for quite a long time, which probably meant nothing to her because she talks with a lot of people each day. There are many things interested about her. She was also in some committees I was in as well and I really wanted to know more. I thought of some things I could ask her, I had some things because she was organising this celebration-evening, and I mailed her about that, but then the conversation died. Luckily I got another opportunity in which I took the risk of asking her something personally out of nothing – which she apparently liked. We now have been mailing for about 3 or 4 days and it is cool.
So here we are in the next stage of mailing… But it also has made me extremely shy with meeting her in real life. I tend to almost ignore her now. I don’t want our eyes to meet because she might see that I like her more than just mailing-people. It’s confusing. We talked so much that I’m almost running out of interesting but not too ‘deep’ (she might think I’m an intruder in her personal life) questions. I maybe should take some step but I don’t know what kind of step. We talked about the break, she asked me to go cycling with her but I couldn’t go with because I have driving lessons :( I tried to put some ‘hints’ in but she doesn’t really respond to it. She is still mailing me though…
I’m getting depressed with it because she has so many cool friends – and other cool girls… She probably likes them way better…
So that’s how far I got basically. I guess it’s not just about kissing a girl but also about her. I’m afraid of the conversation dying, since it is already less flowing (just what you expect after 4 days and 60 emails) I don’t know if she does this a lot (emailing) – in that case I’m really nothing special.

Just… cross your fingers for me please!