145

Duff: Maybe we can use slingshots to rob the place.
John: A slingshot is not a real weapon, Duff.
Duff: Oh, yeah? Well maybe you’d like to define the word “weapon’ for me while this plastic doll smashes into your temple at 180 miles per hour.

146

Elaine: [whispers] He’s an asshole.
Duff: Mmm… casserole.
Elaine: I said asshole.
Duff: I heard casserole!

147

Detective Charles: I turned 40 last week. Do you know what I did? I got my colon scoped by Dr. Spencer. Do you know what he told me? He said “Detective Charles, you have one of the cleanest rectums I’ve ever seen.” and do you know why? During my quiet time here at work I use a toothbrush that I have here in my desk to get to the really hard to find spots… just for a really good scrubbin’... you guys think you’re so smart don’t you?
Duff: No
Detective Charles: The way you made those survilence tapes just… disapear? You just… got rid of ‘em some how…
John: What tapes?
Detective Charles: Will you do me a personal favor son?
John: Sure.
Detective Charles: Don’t ever play ME… like a flute… OK? Because see, you two idiots got real lucky, I don’t have enough to keep you here. But mark my words gentlemen… I mean… you’re goin’ down. I mean… you’re either goin’ down… or by God i’m gonna’ take you down. But either way… once you’re down?
[picks up a paper weight and slams it on his desk three times]
Detective Charles: YOU’LL STAY DOWN! YOU’LL STAY DOWN! YOU… WILL… STAY DOWN!

139

Paul Avery: Jesus Herald Christ on rubber crutches Bobby! What are you doing? You’re doing that thing again. That thing we discussed… starts with an L…
Robert Graysmith: Oh looming.

140

Robert Graysmith: [Both are brushing their teeth] Spit.
Aaron Graysmith: I swallowed it.
Robert Graysmith: Why?
Aaron Graysmith: It was minty.

141

Dave Toschi: Whoever this is, you owe me another lamp.

142

Paul Avery: Methinks our friend is a tad fuckered in the head.

143

Arthur Leigh Allen: I am not the Zodiac. And if I were, I certainly wouldn’t tell you.

144

Robert Graysmith: Doesn’t it bother you that people call you Shorty?
Shorty: Doesn’t it bother you that people call you retard?
Robert Graysmith: Nobody calls me that.
Shorty: Right

134

Dinkadoo Murphy: You clumsy Silverback, watch my FUCKIN’ legs.
Dave Murphy: Nice one, foghorn. Why don’t you just hurl your feces at the patrons?
Dick Murphy: Really Dink, you can’t just holler out vulgarities like that, we are in the middle of the gosh darn Bible-belt here.
Dinkadoo Murphy: Whatever Dick, no one even noticed.
Dot the Waitress: We all hate you. Also, some enraged farmer has stolen your wheelchair.

135

Kevin Haub: Hey with all them boxes. I’m going to make ‘em into a giant break dancing mat and we’re going to have a neighborhood break off.

136

Honey: So, what are you guys doing in Kansas?
Dave Murphy: World’s
[pause]
Dave Murphy: largest corn silo.
Honey: Really? It’s here in Kansas?
Dave Murphy: Oh yeah. We’re gonna bungie that big fucker.

137

Dick: Dink, we all loved her, she smelled like biscuits!

138

Dink: OUR WEED IS FULL OF TRUNK!

Not really a movie, but still.

126

[on anal sex] He’s, like, trying to sell me on it being “natural”. I’m like, “Um, first of all – doody comes out of there, ok? And second of all – fucking doody comes out of there.” I don’t need two reasons when doody’s involved.

127

There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He’s all, “Me Chinese, me play joke!” Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it’s not funny!

128

You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.

129

I don’t care if you think I’m racist. I only care if you think I’m thin.

130

I’m working on an open letter and it goes like this. Guess what, Martin Luther King, I had a fuckin’ dream, too! I had a dream that I was in my living room. It wasn’t my living room but it was, like, playing my living room in the dream. And I walked through to the backyard and there’s a pool and as I’m diving in, there’s a shark coming up from the water… with braces! So maybe you’re not so fucking special! Martin Loser King! Yeah, I wanna be the first comic ever to shit on Martin Luther King because people only talk about the good things. They don’t mention he was a litterbug. He would roll up all the windows and lock them and fart in the car with the heat up while his family suffered… and he would laugh.

131

When God gives you AIDS – and God does give you AIDS, by the way – make lemonAIDS.

133

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

124

Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell: Stacy, we broke up two months ago.
Stacy: Well, that doesn’t mean we can’t still go out, does it?
Wayne Campbell: Well, it does actually, that’s what breaking up is.
Stacy: Well, don’t you want to open your present?
Wayne Campbell: If it’s a severed head I’m going to be very upset
Stacy: Open it.
Wayne Campbell: What is it?
Stacy: It’s a gun rack.
Wayne Campbell: A gun rack… a gun rack. I don’t even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do… with a gun rack?
Stacy: You don’t like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you’re not careful, you’re going to lose me.
Wayne Campbell: I lost you 2 months ago. We broke up. Are you mental? Get the net!

125

Garth Algar: Benjamin is nobody’s friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick.

118

Andrew: We’re all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that’s all.

119

Allison Reynolds: When you grow up, your heart dies.
Andrew Clark: Who cares?
Allison Reynolds: I care.

120

John Bender: Uh, Dick? Excuse me; Rich. Will milk be made available to us?
Andrew Clark: We’re extremely thirsty, sir.
Claire Standish: I have a really low tolerance for dehydration.
Andrew Clark: I’ve seen her dehydrate, sir. It’s pretty gross.

121

Richard Vernon: What if your home… what if your family… what if your dope was on fire?
John Bender: Impossible, sir. It’s in Johnson’s underwear.

122

John Bender: Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?
Brian Johnson: Uh, no. Mr. Johnson.

123

John: Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we’ll all get up, it’ll be anarchy!

117

Wyatt: Do you think Lisa’s having a good time?
Garry: Lisa could have a good time at an insurance seminar, Wyatt.

116

Dan: Didn’t fancy my sandwiches?
Alice: Don’t eat fish.
Dan: Why not?
Alice: Fish piss in the sea.
Dan: So do children.
Alice: Don’t eat children either.

115

So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned – my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life’s too short to be pissed off all the time. It’s just not worth it. Derek says it’s always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can’t top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you’d like. ‘We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.’

110

You don’t get to tell me what to do ever again.

111

Remember those posters that said, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life?” Well, that’s true with every day except one: the day that you die.

112

I don’t think that there’s anything worse than being ordinary.

113

Carolyn Burnham: How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job.
Lester Burnham: Lose it? I didn’t lose it. It’s not like, “Whoops! Where’d my job go?” I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.

114

Never underestimate the power of denial.