My first and last entry was 14 months ago… wow. I remember what happened between those months, a mix of total ecstasy of been alive and a burning desire to end life. All my friends came into my life at the right time, some left for the better and others I just made them stay away from me for good reasons. But this roller coaster has taken me to many places of my soul that were deep inside, confined in many rooms full of old memories, painful & others just not that good. I took each memory and had a talk with it, why did it hurt? what did it teach me? how can I prevent this from happening again? do I have control over this kind of situations and how?.
This past months have been the more important ones of my life. They are totally focus to me. What do I want? What can I do to be better? Who am I? Which people are worth listening to? I’m been selfish and I feel good about it! I have more power to take decisions that are important, I can have a perfect day after another, I feel gratitude even to breathe, eat and see my friends. I’m not beaten the hell out of any unwanted thoughts, I tolerate my mind more by asking if it’s useful or not, if not I get it clean and work with it.
I’m still with my boyfriend that has provided help, sometimes, with or without his knowledge of it. His personality teach me each day tolerance and that nobody can read my mind! that I have to comunicate better. That is part of my problem, lack of good communication skills (this has cause me severe scars). More things I have learn with him and can’t be posted in this little entry… because only living it can be of true help to understand the meaning of it all. Also in this lonely room, I became stronger, I got myself a tough mind & spirit. Now, tears don’t fall so easy, only when I’m really happy and proud of something… or when I just give up for a minute, to give my body some relief of the anger I have felt. I got myself aware of most of the things that were running in my head, some had to be settled down and other got to set them in fire to get them to move.
...many things have change, but I still want to work with this in a more conscious way.
