manage my Bipolar disorder

Hi all! It’s been 6 months since I wrote anything on here. Do any of you even remember me? The last 6 months have been quite a ride. I’ve been taking Lamictal for about a year now, and it’s really working well for me. In August (or was it September?) I felt myself slipping, so I checked myself into the stress center, and took several weeks off work. I think that was probably the best thing I’ve ever done. I recognized the situation and took care of it.

I was seeing my therapist every week for quite a while, but I’m down to once every 4 weeks, and that feels really good. I can’t believe the progress I’ve made in the past year. My doctor and by therapist both say I’m doing great, and I agree!

A year ago I had a turning point, and I’m a different person now. It feels good to feel good. :)

The doctor increased my dosage the last time I went in. I saw it coming, and while in the past I would have been upset about it, I’m really okay with it. I was starting to feel very apathetic about everything, and I didn’t like it. I’m still on a relatively low dose for the medication I’m taking, so if I have to up it again, it won’t be so insanely high that it causes more harm than help.

It’s been quite a while since I posted anything on here. I hoped this would be a place where I would never have to censor myself, and for a long time, it was. I need this to be a safe place to say what I want to say without fear of criticism. You people have helped me through so much, and I’m sorry for my absence. I didn’t realize how much I lean on you all until I stopped.

I’ve been seeing my psychologist and therapist regularly since February. I’ve been taking my medicine just like I should. Things were really great for a long time, but I’m feeling a little down lately. Not enough to worry me, and not enough to worry either my doctor or my therapist. Debbie (my therapist) is having me do cognitive therapy exercises to try to pull myself out of this funk. I’m supposed to list 3 things I’m grateful for each day, and I’m supposed to focus on each of my 5 senses at least once a day. I haven’t been doing it, not out of rebellion, but simply out of laziness and forgetfulness.

Today was kind of a rough day for me. One of my longtime friends got married today, and while I was very happy for her, it made me feel so alone. I’m not really interested in getting married right now, but I would like to have someone who wants to be with me. I want to be the first choice, and not the fall back if someone doesn’t have plans on a Saturday night.

There was something else bothering me today, but because I have to censor myself, I can’t really talk about it. I wish I had never told anyone about this site. I need to get a lot off my chest, but I can’t. Maybe I’ll email one of my friends on here to be a sounding board. God knows you guys have helped me through a hell of a lot more serious things than this.

I’m going to go to bed now. I just wish I had someone to lie next to in that bed.

God I feel pathetic today.

I know I’ve written about this before, but it’s a recurring theme. When do you tell someone you have bipolar? After 2 dates? 4? 15?

I’ve gone out with a guy a few times in the past couple of weeks. He seems pretty cool. He has mentioned more than once that he always seems to date the crazy ones. He even said the word bipolar when talking about one of his ex-girlfriends. Obviously this throws up a red flag for me. Since I’m doing so well, should I wait to tell him?

Bipolar ended my last relationship. It ended several of the relationships I had before that.

I think I’m just going to wait it out.

I am doing better than I have in years. I feel like I am running my life instead of letting the bipolar run it. I’m learning to choose the things that are good for me, and to leave the unhealthy things (or people) behind.

I am amazed that I can feel like this. It’s almost like I’m normal.

My bad week lasted only a week, and was completely situational. There were a few very painful things going on at once, and I think my reaction to them, while being a little more dramatic than it probably should have been, was normal. I’m sure it wasn’t due to the bipolar, which is a very comforting thing. I easily could have gone into a down. Instead, I was very upset for a few days, but came through it on my own. I think reminding myself that I would feel better soon helped a lot. It didn’t ever get to the low that I know it could have.

I think I’m starting to get better.

I’m starting to become overrun with emotions. I have cried every day for 4 days now. I’m completely drained.

I guess it’s a good sign that I know I’ll feel better eventually. Right now though, I just want to curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep.

Today was another bad day. I’m just so over all the bullshit. I’m pretty sure it’s all situational, and not related to the bipolar, but I’m still in a fairly crappy mood.

I cried 2 days in a row. Both times were at work. Not my finest moments, to be sure.

I’m angry and sad, and I will cry more before it’s through, but I know it will pass. I just have to let myself believe that I will be okay again.

Things are going really well with my new therapist. She’s giving me assignments which make me think and that push me. I’m really happy with her. Yay!

I’m having a hard night. I’m not sure why. Today was a very good day, and I was happy. Yesterday was pretty good, too. For the past few hours I’ve just been sitting, knitting, and thinking too much. Not about anything in particular, but about everything. I know it will pass, but I want it gone now.

I’ve been on the medicine for 18 days now, and while I know it hasn’t started affecting my moods yet, I’ve been fairly stable. I started keeping a log of my moods, and I’ve checked mainly mild depression or stable every day since I started.

The ex and I had a talk, and he said he wants to be there for me which makes me happy. I want him to be there for me also. I have my family and a couple of close friends who would drop anything for me, but it’s nice to have another option if I need it. The thing that’s got me worried now is that he’s said that he can tell I’m doing much better, which I am, but I’m afraid that calling him with a temporary issue will make him think I’m not doing better. I wanted to call him a couple of hours ago, because I was lonely and sad, and wanted to talk to someone, but I hesitated. When I started thinking about why I didn’t call him, I started to cry.

I’ve felt for a long time that people with bipolar aren’t allowed to have emotions. Those emotions are always met with the assumption that I’m having an episode, or accusations that I’ve gone off of my meds. Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell the difference between the bipolar, and the regular emotions that I’m supposed to have. I think it’s hard for other people to tell, also.

Tomorrow will be better.