manage my Bipolar disorder

to remember to take my meds in the morning. Does anyone have any suggestions for making this easier?

Today was the first day I actually noticed a change in my mood other than just a general sense of not feeling bad. There is someone at work who has just been grating on my nerves for a few weeks now, to the point where I was finding myself being visibly annoyed with them. I bristled whenever they talked to me and would avoid them. And today I noticed it wasn’t that way.

Which is fantastic!

I went to my doctor on Wednesday, and he was surprised that I didn’t tell him everything was fine. I had been nervous that I’d let him down or he’d be disappointed in me, but he wasn’t. I knew he wouldn’t be. I suppose I should say the rational part of me knew it. He upped my meds and suggested I start seeing my therapist again. She must have become really popular since I last saw her because I wasn’t able to get in until mid July.

I know the increased dosage can’t have taken effect yet, but I feel much better already. I think it’s believing I’m back on track that’s making up the difference between where I was and where I need to be.

Situations like this make me realize that while I may have found a medication that works well for me, and I may have a strong support system, I am not cured. I will never be cured. I will be maintaining, and that is the most I can hope for. I’m glad I’m at a point in my life to understand that this is a good thing, and not a burden I’ll have to deal with.

I love 43T. This is the perfect outlet, since there are so many people here who can relate. Thank you for that.

I wonder how people do it when they say they’re “fine” all the time. What does that even mean? There have been few times in my life when all I’ve felt was fine. Right now, for example, I’ve got so many feelings swirling around inside me that I’m not sure I’d know how to answer if someone asked how I was.

Mostly I’m feeling a thick black tar swallowing me whole. For about the past week I’ve felt really off. I thought it was hormones at first, but now I’m not convinced. I’ve got the tell-tale signs I always see: I hate everything, but apathy is preventing me from doing anything. I want to sit and stare at nothing. I feel like my chest is collapsing into itself. The effort to breathe is sometimes overwhelming. And tears are at the edges of my eyes, threatening to roll down my cheeks at all times. Tonight I went to the grocery store for no reason other than I knew getting to my apartment would mean the black-hole swallowing my insides would start to spread. I stood in the frozen food section and couldn’t make myself move. I don’t know how long I was there, but it scared me.

I can’t be losing it again. I’ve been well for too long. Things are decent right now. Sure, there’s a lot that could be better, but I should be okay. I shouldn’t feel like I’m moving in slow motion when the rest of the world isn’t.

I always get so scared to say these things to my doctor. I don’t want to disappoint him, which is ridiculous beyond measure. At least I’m rational enough to recognize that.

Even when I feel nothing I feel more than I want to. The sound of my craziness seems to be screaming in my ears. I’m too frozen in space to try to make it stop. I need someone to rescue me, but there’s no superhero headed my way. I can’t remember feeling so alone.

I hate having to put on a happy face for everyone. I just want someone who will allow me to have emotions. Ups and downs.

I need someone to hold my hand while I try to pull myself out of this.

I cannot believe how well I’ve been doing for the past year. I had a fairly bad time in September 2007, but since then things have been nice and steady. My doctor has extended the time between my appointments so I’m only going twice a year, and I’m only seeing my therapist once every 3 months. Wow!

I’m not going to mark this as “complete” since I will never be done managing it. I will, however, move this down the list. Hooray!

Hi all! It’s been 6 months since I wrote anything on here. Do any of you even remember me? The last 6 months have been quite a ride. I’ve been taking Lamictal for about a year now, and it’s really working well for me. In August (or was it September?) I felt myself slipping, so I checked myself into the stress center, and took several weeks off work. I think that was probably the best thing I’ve ever done. I recognized the situation and took care of it.

I was seeing my therapist every week for quite a while, but I’m down to once every 4 weeks, and that feels really good. I can’t believe the progress I’ve made in the past year. My doctor and by therapist both say I’m doing great, and I agree!

A year ago I had a turning point, and I’m a different person now. It feels good to feel good. :)

The doctor increased my dosage the last time I went in. I saw it coming, and while in the past I would have been upset about it, I’m really okay with it. I was starting to feel very apathetic about everything, and I didn’t like it. I’m still on a relatively low dose for the medication I’m taking, so if I have to up it again, it won’t be so insanely high that it causes more harm than help.

It’s been quite a while since I posted anything on here. I hoped this would be a place where I would never have to censor myself, and for a long time, it was. I need this to be a safe place to say what I want to say without fear of criticism. You people have helped me through so much, and I’m sorry for my absence. I didn’t realize how much I lean on you all until I stopped.

I’ve been seeing my psychologist and therapist regularly since February. I’ve been taking my medicine just like I should. Things were really great for a long time, but I’m feeling a little down lately. Not enough to worry me, and not enough to worry either my doctor or my therapist. Debbie (my therapist) is having me do cognitive therapy exercises to try to pull myself out of this funk. I’m supposed to list 3 things I’m grateful for each day, and I’m supposed to focus on each of my 5 senses at least once a day. I haven’t been doing it, not out of rebellion, but simply out of laziness and forgetfulness.

Today was kind of a rough day for me. One of my longtime friends got married today, and while I was very happy for her, it made me feel so alone. I’m not really interested in getting married right now, but I would like to have someone who wants to be with me. I want to be the first choice, and not the fall back if someone doesn’t have plans on a Saturday night.

There was something else bothering me today, but because I have to censor myself, I can’t really talk about it. I wish I had never told anyone about this site. I need to get a lot off my chest, but I can’t. Maybe I’ll email one of my friends on here to be a sounding board. God knows you guys have helped me through a hell of a lot more serious things than this.

I’m going to go to bed now. I just wish I had someone to lie next to in that bed.

God I feel pathetic today.

I know I’ve written about this before, but it’s a recurring theme. When do you tell someone you have bipolar? After 2 dates? 4? 15?

I’ve gone out with a guy a few times in the past couple of weeks. He seems pretty cool. He has mentioned more than once that he always seems to date the crazy ones. He even said the word bipolar when talking about one of his ex-girlfriends. Obviously this throws up a red flag for me. Since I’m doing so well, should I wait to tell him?

Bipolar ended my last relationship. It ended several of the relationships I had before that.

I think I’m just going to wait it out.

I am doing better than I have in years. I feel like I am running my life instead of letting the bipolar run it. I’m learning to choose the things that are good for me, and to leave the unhealthy things (or people) behind.

I am amazed that I can feel like this. It’s almost like I’m normal.