lighten up

I went on vacation earlier this month, and when things weren’t going very well I decided that the only person who could ruin my vacation was me. I didn’t want my vacation to be ruined, so I didn’t let the bickering and yelling and uncomfortable situations ruin it. I had a great time.

It’s okay to just cry about it.

If I could go one day without feeling like I have to qualify my stories, I think I would feel better about things. I mean things like “I know this will sound crazy, but…” or “I realize I’ve only known him x amount of time, but…” Everyone does it, but for me it boils down to being afraid of what people will think of me. I need to get over that. Should I care if people will judge me for knowing that I’ve found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with after having known him for a few short weeks? Should I care if people don’t approve of the way I handle the stressors in my life? No! I shouldn’t at all!

It’s easy to say that on here, but it’s quite another to actually live it. I’m going to try to start living without apologizing for it. Starting today.

My grandmother is having a surgery next week to remove a large mass from her abdomen. The doctors have said that there is a 50/50 chance that it is malignant. There is more to the story, but the doctors have implied that they believe it is malignant, and that the outlook isn’t good.

In my head, she’s already died. I’m mourning her and she’s still alive. This makes me sound like a terrible person.

It’s frustrating, because everyone keeps telling me things like “medicine can do so much these days” and “they don’t know anything for sure yet, so you shouldn’t get too upset.” The worst is “she’ll be fine.” How the HELL do you KNOW that?!

I don’t want to hear people’s opinions anymore. I just want someone to say “your fear is valid, and I’m here to comfort you if you need it.” I just want a shoulder to cry on and someone to hold me. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Okay, this is me taking a deep breath, and chilling the eff out. I swear, there are times when I analyze things to death, and this is seriously one of them. I think it probably has something to do with the bipolar, but who knows for sure. All I know is that in my head, things have fallen apart, but when I explain it out loud, I sound like an idiot.

My brain has a tendency to create stories out of nothing, and when I think about them for long enough, I start to believe them. I swear, I’m losing it.

Have you ever woken up mad at someone for something they did in a dream? I did this morning and I just can’t get it out of my head.

Maybe if I keep repeating “it was just a dream” I’ll start to believe it.

Please stop freaking out about everything. And yes, you know what I’m talking about. Just let it happen and stop worrying about it.

And remember, you can’t change people’s minds on things.

Thanks,
Mgmt.

I’ve gotten the impression from several people in several aspects of my life that I need to lighten up. They’re probably right. I tend to get wrapped up in little things and let them take root in my brain and live there. I obsess over stupid things. I lose sleep over details of my life that I cannot control. And I need to stop.